Weekend Update Betsy DeVos

Colin Jost

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was under fire this week after a disastrous 60 minute interview. Here to clarify her points is Betsy DeVos.

[Betsy DeVos slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Thank you. Hello, the audience. Hello, the man.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah, well, thank you so much for coming. So, Betsy, what happened with that interview?

Betsy DeVos: Well, I think the problem is that the words that were coming out of my mouth were bad. And that is because they came from my brain.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, tonight, we can give you another chance. Like, what are your thoughts about public schools versus charter schools?

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, I don’t like to think of things in terms of school. That it should be up to the states. In Wyoming, for example, which has many potential grizzlies, there should be a school for bears. And in Louisiana, crocodile crossing guards. And in North Carolina, stop being trans and that’s what’s best for them.

Colin Jost: Okay. You might now be the most protested member of Trump’s cabinet. Why do you think that is?

Betsy DeVos: You know, I think it’s because I do not do a good job. And I can’t because I don’t know how.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, that’s– yeah. Well, recently people have also been criticizing your position on guns in school.

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, and again I think that the states should choose how they protect their schools based on their circumstances. For example, if two home alone style bandits want to rob a school, that school should have the option of red hot doorknobs or a paint can that swings down a staircase. You know, that’s good school’s good choice. So, whatever they choose, we are working hard to ensure that all schools are safe learning environments for guns.

Colin Jost: Can I just ask you something? Do you like your job?

Betsy DeVos: No, I do not. I do spend most of it getting screamed at while climbing into an escalate. But I do like visiting good school and doing worksheets with cute little blacks and the occasional stinky poor white.

Colin Jost: Stinky poor white

Betsy DeVos: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Secretary DeVos, do you really want to say that on TV?

Betsy DeVos: Oh! I did a fudge. Oh! Look, I may not be very good on camera. But behind the scenes, my ideas are much worse.

Colin Jost: Betsy DeVos, everyone.