Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
…..Michael Che
…..Colin Jost
…..Brett Kavanaugh
[ Weekend Update opening credits. ]Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colon Jost and Michael Che.
[ Cut to Michael and Colin in the newsroom. ]COLIN JOST: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
COLIN JOST: I’m Colin Jost.
Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford appeared Thursday in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee in classic debate of ‘she said, he yelled’. Based on his testimony, I guess Kavanaugh thought the hearing was about whether he was cool in high school.
Brett Kavanaugh: We drank beer. I liked beer. I still like beer. I worked out with other guy’s at Tobin’s house. Just to meet up and have some beers. Working out, lifting weights. We drank beer, we liked beer.
[ Cut back to Colin and Michael in the newsroom. ]COLIN JOST: I got to say, you’re not really helping yourself in a drunk and assault case when you yell about how much you like drinking and how strong you were at the time. Pretty much the only ones who kept their composure at the hearing, were the woman being questioned and the woman the Republicans had to hire to talk to the woman being questioned. Now on an optics level, I get why the Republicans did that. But if you’re not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you’re not the right person to be a senator.
MICHAEL CHE: I just want to remind everybody that all this yelling and crying happened at this dude’s job interview. I mean typically when you’re asked about a sexual assault and your drinking problem at a job interview, you don’t get the damn job! I don’t know if Mr. Kavanaugh actually has a history of assault or if he actually has a drinking problem. But I do know that he might. And you shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if you might. You shouldn’t be on the People’s Court if you might. Sometimes ‘might’ is enough. I mean, I don’t want to pet your dog if he ‘might’ bite me. I don’t want to leave you in my house if you ‘might’ be a crackhead. I’m not gonna have sex with you if you ‘might’ have had sex with Charlie Sheen.
COLIN JOST: And then there are his calendars. You know, if you have calendars from 1982, it does not prove your innocent. It proves you’re a hoarder. You know when most people throw out their calendars from 1982? 1983. If you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to piece together what happened in your life. He kept a calendar the same way that the guy in ‘Momento’ got tattoos. Now to be fair to Judge Kavanaugh, it’s insane that he has to answer questions about his high school yearbook. If you looked into anyone’s high school yearbook, you’d find something super embarrassing. Like I regret that my senior quote was a Smash Mouth lyric. And I very much regret that my hairstyle was “The Rachel”. But if they do ask about your yearbook, why would you lie? “The Devil’s Triangle” is not a drinking game. But speaking of drinking games, if you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you’d be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of ‘82.
MICHAEL CHE: You know these hearings have taught me a lot about what happens at white prep schools. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sending my kids to a black school where it’s safe. Of course this is a big deal because a Supreme Court Judge is a lifetime job. And sadly that’s more important to Congress than the concerns of half the country. Kavanaugh could be the deciding vote on issues concerning the very people he makes feel unsafe. It would be like letting a coyote decide on roadrunner rights. Or letting all white cops police an all black neighborhood. Also, why does it have to be him? You can’t just pick another dude from your Illuminati lizard meetings? Are Republicans so pro-life that you don’t even have a Plan B for this?
COLIN JOST: Now President Trump on Friday ordered the FBI to conduct a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. And Trump is so serious he said the FBI should probably just drop everything else and only investigate this one thing. Because after Dr. Ford’s testimony in this new FBI investigation, Kavanaugh basically has two strikes against him. Or as Kavanaugh thinks of it, Dos Equis.
