…..Colin Jost
…..Michael Che
David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson
[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.
[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!
COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!
David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!
COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.
David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?
COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?
David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.
COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?
David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!
COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?
David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.
COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?
David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.
COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?
David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.
COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?
David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.
COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?
David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.
COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?
David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’
COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?
David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.
COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.
David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’
COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?
David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.
COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?
David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?
COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.
David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?
COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.
David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?
COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.
David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.
COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!
David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!
