Brittainy…..Melissa Villaseñor[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]
COLIN JOST: Well, it’s a tough transition. The Young Adult book genre is more popular than ever. Here with her reviews of today’s hottest YA novels is ‘every teen girl murder suspect on Law & Order.’[ Brittainy slides over in her chair to be sitting next to Colin Jost at the news desk. ]
COLIN JOST: Uh, hey there Brittainy, how are you?
Brittainy: I don’t have to tell you anything, not until my lawyer gets here.
COLIN JOST: Oh, okay. But didn’t you say you wanted to come out and give us a book report?
Brittainy: I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.
COLIN JOST: Okay. It says here you read the book, “The Hate You Give,” and you wanted to talk to us about it.
Brittainy: Oh yeah. That’s right. I remember now. It was good. It, like, says a lot about being a teen. And the pressure. I read it with my friends. At the library. And then we went home. And went right to bed. That’s it okay.
COLIN JOST: That’s all you did?
Brittainy: Okay, fine! We went to a big alcohol party at Carrie’s boyfriend’s house. And we drank beer from a beer keg, okay! That’s all we did, was drink alcohol, and go in a hot tub, and look at Carrie’s boyfriend. That’s it.
COLIN JOST: Okay, well what about the new Marcus Zusak book?
Brittainy: Look, I don’t know any more than you do. I got to homeroom, and they told us, Logan was murdered. And you know what? I was happy. She treated me like ass. And now she’s dead. In the trunk of my car. And I have no idea how she got there.
COLIN JOST: She’s in your car?
Brittainy: Okay, fine! I shoved her in the trunk, but it wasn’t my idea, okay. Carrie said we should just put her in the trunk and drive around a little to teach her a lesson. That’s all we did.[ Cut to Michael chewing on a toothpick. ]
MICHAEL CHE: Damnit Brittainy. I’m tired of your lies. Tell the damn truth!
Brittainy: Your partner’s crazy!
COLIN JOST: Partner? This was supposed to be about books.
Brittainy: Okay, fine!! They dared me to stab her, but just as a joke. So I stabbed her. But Logan took it the wrong way and started bleeding.
COLIN JOST: Wait. So you did kill your friend?
Brittainy: I feel so bad about it. All the terrible things I done. But I guess the worst crime of all was being a bad friend.[ Cut to end credits of Law & Order; the screen reads: “ Executive Producer DICK WOLF”. ]
COLIN JOST: Yeah, okay, well, the worst crime was murder. Teen murderer, everyone. Thank you so much.
Brittainy: That’s it. Okay!