Weekend Update: Goop Staffer Basking Johns: Season 44 Episode 3


…..Michael Che

Baskin Johns…..Heidi Gardner

[ Inside the newsroom, Michael and Coli are seated at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop, celebrated its tenth anniversary last week. Here to tell us about the latest in self-care is Goop staffer, Baskin Johns. [ Baskin Johns slides over in her chair to join Michael at the news desk. ] So Baskin, how long have you been working at Goop?

Baskin Johns: So, I started at Goop pretty recently. But, um, I just finished my product knowledge training. So, I’m very excited to share some Goop skin care with you.

MICHAEL CHE: That’s great. And I bet Gwyneth is watching.

Baskin Johns: Oh, yeah. Hadn’t thought about that. Okay. So, alright. Um. [ She pulls out a beauty care product. ] So, up first is our Goop Revitalizing Lotion. It’s the number one most revitalizing lotion in the world. Rated number one in revitalization. Right? Yeah. No, yeah. That’s right. Sorry. Like I said, there is a lot of products to memorize at Goop. And, um, I just wanted to get it right, if Gwyn’s tuning in.

MICHAEL CHE: I hope I didn’t freak you out when I said Gwyneth might be watching.

Baskin Johns: No, Oh my God, no. I’m good. Okay.

MICHAEL CHE: Because, Goop is a pretty big company.

Baskin Johns: Yeahhh. Yeahhh. Uh-huh. Um. You know we actually have our own science labs.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh, wow and I assume there is no animal testing and its cruelty free.

Baskin Johns: Yes, there’s no animals involved. All the testing and cruelty is done on and to the staff.

MICHAEL CHE: So you test the products on yourselves?

Baskin Johns: Speaking of, I have another product that I wanted to get out there. [ She puts the product in her hand aside and pulls out a smaller container. ] So this is our Goop Luminous Solution. And it’s uh [ She hesitates. ] …number one most luminous solution in the world. [ She hesitates again. ] Rated number one in luminous-ization.

MICHAEL CHE: I thought the first lotion was rated [ He imitates her voice. ] ‘number one’.

Baskin Johns: Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah, no. Yeah. Actually. [ She holds up both the products. ] So these two lotions are tied for number one best supporting lotion. [ She pretend fights the lotion containers. ] They’re duking it out.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, I actually like the smell of that one.

Baskin Johns: Yeah! Can you smell the number ones in there? [ She opens the smaller container and holds is close to Michael’s face. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, okay, so Baskin..I don’t know what number ones are. What would you say is Goop’s mission statement?

Baskin Johns: Oh. [ She hesitates to speak while attempting to close the lotion several times. ] Sa Goop? Sa Goop…So Goop. Okay, Gwyneth is watching. Hi Gwyneth. So Goop, ummmm. So Goop is to me, okay so… Goop is, I don’t even know what Goop is [ She begins to cry a little. She holds up the two lotion bottles. ] This is Goop.

MICHAEL CHE: You seem a little on edge. Is Gwyneth Paltrow like a hard person to work for?

Baskin Johns: Noooo. Noo. No. No, no, no, no. [ She begins to nod. ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, um. What are you doing to me? You’re going to make me Goop my pants. Oh my God, which would be an honor Gwyn. I would love to Goop my pants.

MICHAEL CHE: Baskin Johns everybody.

Baskin Johns: I’ll get it right next time, Gwyn. I promise. I promise I will.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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