Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week, Red Lobster, Blue Apron and Slim Fast join the adviser boycott against FOX News host Laura Ingram after she mocked Parkland survivor David Hogg for getting rejected from four colleges. She’s back on her show after her fourth hiatus. Here to comment is Laura Ingram.[Laura Ingram slides in] [cheers and applause]
Laura Ingram: Hey! Hey. Hi, Colin. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi. Thanks for having me.
Colin Jost: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. And, congratulations on returning to your show.
Laura Ingram: Thank you. It’s so good to be back after that planned vacation. It was so fun and so planned and it’s so scheduled a long time ago. The important thing is I’m back. And I’m not gonna cave to bullying from the tolerant left. I don’t care if I lost a couple of sponsors.
Colin Jost: Well, so far you’ve lost 27.
Laura Ingram: Yeah. And all because I trolled a traumatized teen. After spewing venom for decades, Twitter suddenly has made me accountable [coughs]. Okay. You know what? That can’t keep me down. Coz I’m really excited about some of my new sponsors. Like, Carl’s Sr., leftover Carl’s Jr. food ground to mush for old people. Umm, Carl’s Sr. And Your Pillow. From the makers of My Pillow, send us your pillow, we need more pillow. Or how about Shkreli’s Jelly? It’s just Jelly that’s $8,000 a jar.
Colin Jost: Are those real products, Laura?
Laura Ingram: Yup. You see, the totalitarian left can attack me all they want. But I’ll continue to defend the first amendment. That’s my right to bully people without being bullied in return. Right, Colin?
Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not how it works, Laura.
Laura Ingram: Yeah, fine. Just look, don’t boycott my show. Our country is so divided right now and I’m an important part of that. Let’s move on. You know I’m gonna say something worse. Why don’t you just watch a show and find out what that’s gonna be? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mention more of my sponsors. Like, Lady Bump Stock. The light weight Bump Stocks for delicate hands. And reverse Mortgage. We’ll take that house now. And how about Malaysian Airlines, caught in a scandal and need an escape? Malaysian Airlines.
Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Laura, I really– [Laura raises her both hands to her shoulder levels mimicking an airplane] Don’t do the act of Malaysian Airlines.
Laura Ingram: What?
Colin Jost: What? I don’t think those are real sponsors.
Laura Ingram: What do you want me to say? Look, I’m getting ponned by teenagers. Am I using that right? Ponned?
Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t really know. I definitely don’t know.
Laura Ingram: I don’t understand anything anymore. I mean Emma Gonzalez looks like some bad ass super hero trying to change the world. But when I in high school, it was bad to try. I said I wanted to try art and I got kicked in the face. But I didn’t say I was getting bullied. I just grew up into this. [pointing at herself] But you now who’s not afraid to sponsor this? Cream Soda. The soda for whites. You got the white one, baby.
Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Alright. Laura, I think that’s enough. Alright.
Laura Ingram: Can I say one more thing about the Parkland kids?
Colin Jost: No! That’s what got you in trouble!
Laura Ingram: Okay, fine. Whatever.
Colin Jost: Laura Ingram, everyone.
Michael Che: I always knew white people loved cream soda.