Michael Che
LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]Michael Che: The NBA Playoff started today and one team that won’t be playing is the Los Angeles Lakers and their rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to comment is Lonzo’s outspoken father, LaVar Ball.
[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]LaVar Ball: Alright. Okay. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible. What a year for Lonzo.
Michael Che: I mean, he did fine.
LaVar Ball: Fine? Stop talking out your neck. My boy averaged 50 points a game.
Michael Che: No, he didn’t.
LaVar Ball: 100 assists. 500 touchdowns. And he was just certified 100% fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. Never lost.
Michael Che: Well, Lonzo actually averaged 10 points a game making him not even a best rookie on his own team. Kyle Kuzma averaged way more point than that.
LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t– don’t do me about no Kyle Kuzma. He just keeping that seed warm on that Laker bench until my other sons get there. LiAngelo, Lamelo and my long lost Mexican son, LaBibliya-teka.
Michael Che: Now, none of your sons are projected to be NBA draft picks.
LaVar Ball: Lies!
Michael Che: I also read that you started your own league for young players called The Junior Basketball Association?
LaVar Ball: You damn right! My own league. Only real ballers need apply. You think you got what it takes? Then bring your A game to tryout this week at the first Korean Baptist church at Temecula. Cuz the JBA will feature the future all stars of America.
Michael Che: Do you have any top high school players signed up?
LaVar Ball: Not a one. But we got some hot prospects. We got a kid who can drain buckets like you wouldn’t believe. He’s athletic. He’s quick. And he’s 51 years old and he’s my cousin. We also got a mailman wearing compression socks, a Dominican dishwasher in blue jeans, and just to keep things interesting, an unclaimed rottweiler running around all willy-nilly.
Michael Che: You’re hoping this league will be like the NBA?
LaVar Ball: Oh, man. It’s gonna be better than the NBA. Players in my JBA will live the big baller lifestyle. You’ll be taken around the country courtesy of pizza pan bus line, where you will stay at a hotel so super they named it A. Free cable. No NBO. Every room exits to the street. And a contenti-nental breakfast with up to three cereals fresh from the screw tap. Regular mini-wheats only. Never frosted. Never with the frost.
Michael Che: Starting a league is tough. What makes you think you’ll be successful?
LaVar Ball: Because I’m the best businessman in the world. I’m currently worth $1 brillion. Let me show you my latest venture, Michael. You got a pair of big baller Zo-To? Well, you don’t have the hottest shoe of the summer. Presenting the Zo-T-Bop. [LaVar Ball pulls out a pair of sandals] That’s right. [Michael Che laughing]
Michael Che: Oh, yeah.
LaVar Ball: Only $500 a pair. Light weight. Breathable. And with a back strap that will leave your heel raw as hell. Never enough bandaids. Never enough band to the aids.
Michael Che: Man, those are just sandals.
LaVar Ball: Man, you say tomato, I say this tomato costs $500. And these are more than shoes, Michael. Look at em’. The sole gets as hot as the Devil’s booty hole. You could fry egg on em’. As a matter of fact! [LaVar Ball pulls out another sandal to the pair. There’s a poached egg on it.] This one is ready, Michael! You want an egg?
Michael Che: Sure!
LaVar Ball: That will be $6,000.
Michael Che: No! LaVar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.
