LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This week, 1.6 million people watched on Facebook as LaVar Ball’s sons LiAngelo and LaMelo made their debut for Basketball team at Lithuania. Here to comment is LaVar Ball.[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]
LaVar Ball: Yeah. Yeah. Triple B. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m magnificent.
Michael Che: You’re in the good mood.
LaVar Ball: Why shouldn’t I be? I’m an internet sensation. I’m a multi-billionaire.
Michael Che: Alright. You’re not.
LaVar Ball: I own 16 Toyota Corollas. And I’m the only man in history to out pizza the hut. Never lost.
Michael Che: And you just got back from the Lithuania?
LaVar Ball: You damn right. I flew all the way. Business economy. Middle seat. One hotel room to share. The only hotel in Lithuania is in the back of the soup restaurant. Never not smell like cabbage. Never not a cabbage.
Michael Che: Never not the cabbage. So, just to be clear, you took 19 year old LiAngelo out of college and 16 year old LaMelo out of high school to play Eastern Europe basketball? I mean, were they okay with that?
LaVar Ball: Man, they living the dream, Michael. I told em’, “Pack up your things. We moving up. I’m taking you out of this dump called Los Angeles. And we’re going to pray new. Where the forecast is always a crisp, -2 degrees celsius. And a 100% chance of freezing rain. Never dry. Never dry.”
Michael Che: And you think the Lithuania league is good training to play in NBA?
LaVar Ball: Absolutely. I love the Lithuanian league. All white team mates. Nobody above 140 pounds.
Michael Che: Oh, man!
LaVar Ball: Vitamin deficiencies. Soft teeth. All layups. No dunks. Perfect training for the NBA. I love it. Every night the crowd of 61 people just goes wild. Cheering and waving wooden spoons in the air.
Michael Che: Alright. But, your Big Baller company has been having some problems lately. I saw you got an F from the Better Business Bureau.
LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t you talking bout no Better Business F rating Bureau. I told my kids that F stands for phenomenal. And yes, my kids are home schooled. Never taught them.
Michael Che: You know, the word is you’re getting a lot of complaints from customers.
LaVar Ball: Well, that don’t matter. Coz I just launched a first Big Baller product in Lithuania. And it’s selling millions. Fresh from the wild streets of business. It’s called Beats by LaVar.
Michael Che: Oh! So, the headphones?
LaVar Ball: No, no. They’re just Beats from the ground with the roots still on. They so baller, they make your dookie redder than Santa Clause.
Michael Che: [laughing] Oh, my god.
LaVar Ball: Order your’s today and it will arrive between one and 11 months.
Michael Che: LaVar Ball everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.