Hilary Knight[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.] [cheers and applause]
Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?
Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?
Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.
Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?
Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–
Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–
Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.
Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.
Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.
Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.
Leslie Jones: Whatever.
Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?
Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.
Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.
Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.
Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”
Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.
Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?
Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?
Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.] [cheers and applause]
Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!
Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.
Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]
Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.
Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.
Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.
Colin Jost: Okay.
Leslie Jones: Get it?
Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.
Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?
Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.
Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.
Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?
Colin Jost: Girls.
Leslie Jones: That’s right.
Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?
Colin Jost: Girls.
Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.
Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch![Leslie Jones laughing hard] [cheers and applause]
Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.
Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.