Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of a goat, hedgehog and American Airlines logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: American Airlines has revised a guideline to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs on board as emotional support animals. Meanwhile, over at Spirit Airlines, it’s still a full on Noah’s Ark.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moon at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. “Cool,” said kids in Chicago.[Picture changes to a kindergarten classroom]
Police in Philadelphia said that a six year old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. The student was bringing a cocaine in for showing, [yelling] “Tell, tell, tell!” That’s a nice one.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]
Colin Jost: That’s nice.
Michael Che: That’s sweet one.
Colin Jost: That was a sweet one.
Michael Che: Kids on cocaine. That’s sweet.
Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really sweet. Well, this is the last episode of our season and there were a lot of jokes we tried this year. And some of them were deemed too offensive to do on air.
Michael Che: So we decided that since it’s the end of the year, we’re gonna do some anyway. How about that?[cheers and applause] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Boy Scouts of America’ logo at right top corner.]
The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization, coz somebody gotta sow those badges on. Now, again, these jokes are offensive and that’s why we won’t tell them on air.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of restroom doors with women posters on them.]
Colin Jost: These are the ones we won’t be telling. A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men’s room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women’s room door. Even worse, they called the handicapped door, “Rob.”
Michael Che: Now, you can’t do that joke.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]
You can’t do that. You can’t do that on TV. Pennsylvania police arrested a one armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police said the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her. Now, that’s– that’s just– you can’t say that.
Colin Jost: Yeah, you can’t. Pornhub has released– this is exciting– has released it’s parody of the musical Hamilton. And in the porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana leaf at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The New York Daily News published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana saying that the current law has primarily hurt people of color. But since it is the Daily News, the headline read, “Pot cigs catch nigs.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Went better than when I did it. Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic surgery obsessed woman known as Cat Woman has filed for bankruptcy. But don’t worry about Jocelyn, from the looks of her this is one cat who always lands… on her face.
Michael Che: Oh-ho![Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Have a great summer. Goodnight.