Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the book ‘Fire and Fury’ by Michael Wolff at left top corner.]
The book Fire and Fury, a salacious expose of the Trump White House was released last week. And then this week, the sequal wrote itself. [Picture changes to the same book, but the title is ‘S—hole countries’.] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]
During an oval office meeting, Trump attacked protections for immigrants from African countries which he called S-holes. That’s what NBC asked us to say, by the way. S hole. Even though the president can say shit hole. Oops! I feel bad at this point for parents with young children. Every word you tell your kid not to say, they can be like, “But the president gets to say it.” The most insane thing is that Trump has said all of this racist stuff right before Martin Luther King day. Which is like pounding a case of beer on your way to rehab. Now, I’m just worried about what he’s gonna say the day before passover.
Trump also said that instead, we should take more immigrants from countries like Norway. And Norweigians were like, “America? We’re not going to that shatter oven.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Can I be honest? When someone asks me, “Did you hear what Donald Trump called Haiti in Africa?” I was like, “Oh, boy. Did it start with an N?” But then I heard what he said and I was like, “That’s it?” I’ve said that about countries for not having CBS. Here’s the thing. My job is to make jokes about the news. But Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said, “You know what we need more in this country? Hasians.”
And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life and I’ve been asked to go back to Africa several times. And it has never been because they thought I enjoy it there.[Picture changes to a map of Africa]
But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? I mean, they’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by western powers. So, the president of the United States calling Africa a shit hole is like telling the kid you molested, “Boy, did you grow up to be weird.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was reported that just before the election last year, president Trump’s personal lawyer arranged a six figure payment to cover up an alleged affair between Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels. So, at least there’s one storm Trump will pay for. Now, let me just say what a thrill it is to be alive in a time where a porn star blackmails president is like the forth biggest story of the week. At this rate in a year from now, we’re gonna see the headline, “Trump found with dead hooker” right next to the crossword puzzle.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: At a cabinet meeting on Thursday, president Trump called for toughening the country’s liable laws to make it easier for people to sue media outlets for making false claims. Let’s take a listen.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the meeting]
Donald Trump: Can’t say things that are false. Knowingly false. And be able to smile as money pores into your bank account.[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: And with a straight face. His lack of self awareness is almost adorable. And again, he’s not totally wrong about this. He’s just the worst possible person to point this out to us. He lies all the time. It’s like listening to OJ complain about the loopholes in the justice system.
Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump said it seems unlikely he would have to be interviewed by Robert Mueller as part of the Russia probe because “they have no collusion.” It’s almost like I’ve heard him say that before.[Cut different video clips of to Donald Trump saying “There is no collusion’ at different speeches.] [Cut to Colin Jost]
He says “No collusion” the way a dumb ass frat guy says “No homo.” So, I met up with a Russian guy the other night. No collusion. Also, just repeating a phrase over and over again doesn’t make it true. For example, ever since Trump got elected, half the country has been repeating the phrase, “This can’t be happening.” And yet, somehow it is.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: In a new interview, president Trump said that his tweets antagonizing Kim Jong-Un are part of his strategy saying, “You see that a lot with me. Then all of a sudden, somebody is my best friend.” It’s a strategy experts are calling, “Early on set dementia.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a caduceus at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Speaking of dementia, Trump underwent a physical exam on Friday and a staff released a statement announcing that Trump is in “excellent health.” That’s right. This guy, president drum stick is in excellent health. [Picture changes to Donald Trump enjoying kFC drum sticks] I think I wanna see the full medical report because unless it’s chart says “Blood type: Thick,” I’m skeptical.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oprah at right top corner.]
Michael Che: After Oprah went for Golden Globe speech, many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Argh! Can’t we just have a regular run for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me, “Hey, did you hear what the president said?” and I’d be like, [annoyed voice] “No.”