Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s arches put upside down making it a “W” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: McDonald’s celebrated international women’s day by turning it’s golden arches upside down. Not to be out-done, In-N-Out Burger changed its name to “Adequate Foreplay.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a barbie at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Also, in honor of international women’s day, barbie has released a new Amelia Earhart doll. It’s the only barbie that’s gotta be around here somewhere.[Picture changes to gummy bears]
Three daycare workers in Chicago were arrested for giving gummy bears laced with sleep inducing melatonin to a class of two year olds. Worse, they woke them up with cocaine.[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of map of West Virginia and people in strike at right top corner.]
Michael Che: West Virginia law makers reached a deal with public school teachers to end their strike and give them a 5% pay rise. Good. Nobody’s more underpaid than public school teachers. You ever see a faculty parking lot? Teachers drive cars made by companies that don’t even make cars. My dad is a public school teacher. He drives a 97 Frigidare.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bottle with a message written on it at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A family in Australia has discovered what’s believed to be the world’s oldest message in a bottle which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle aged Bernie Sanders.