Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you, very much. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]
In a stunning turn of events, North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever is president in May. Trump will be the first sitting US president to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it’s also going to be the first time where both translators start every sentence with, “Okay, so what I think he said was…” I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance and we’re putting in our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman’s LinkedIn page.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Experts warn that the talk between Trump and Kim Jong-Un could be risky, because, well, duh! Best case scenario, they’ll realize they’re both crazy and become best friends like their movie “Step Brothers.” But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he’s just twitter crazy and Kim Jong-Un is crazy crazy. And there’s a big old difference. One guy trolls Oprah online and the other guy murdered his uncle with a cannon. This could end up being the greatest episode of Scared Straight ever! What do you think Trump’s gonna say at dinner when they tell them he is eating disrespectful limo driver?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And in this week’s presidential porno recap, Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen who is definitely a candidate for friend of the year said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a pornstar? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another pornstar and was like, “She is pretty cute too”, and Cohen’s like, “Dude, I’m gonna lose my house.”
I think it’s also fitting that the story about the president having an affair with a pornstar is struggling to hold our attention. Because the news now has become like porn. We’re desensitized. These days news wise we can only get excited about Asian lesbians. [Picture changes to Kim Jong-Un.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Gary Cohn at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Alright. Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House job Economic Advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House like, I don’t know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now, 300 points sounds like a lot but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I reacted to Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they’re about to have a kid. I’m like, “Word? How you feel about that?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seychelles map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in Seychelles between a Trump associate and official from United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. So, sounds innocent. At least with all these Mueller stuff, we’re learning a lot about geography. You know? I mean Trump at this point is basically Carmen Santiago. Only, he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Santiago.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump an PlayStation games at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don’t know. I grew up playing Mario Brothers but I never had the urge to curve stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played PCman all day and now he’s addicted to pills and sees ghost everywhere.