Weekend Update on New Security Measures in Parkland

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Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of kids wearing transparent bags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The students at Stoneman Douglas high school face new security precautions including rule requiring everyone to wear clear book bags. Is that supposed to keep guns out? Nobody comes to school with a gun and their books. When a mailman goes postal, he doesn’t also finish his route.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person spraining his ankle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the master’s tournament, golfer Tony Finau sprained his ankle while celebrating a hole in one. So, no, golfers are not athletes.

[Picture changes to Australian flag and a knife]

A man in Australia who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight ordered another drink with a knife still in his back. And then by law, he became the president of Australia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York city’s MTA had to suspend a subway train because someone smeared feces inside of a car. That sounds bad. But that’s also how amazing the subway system is in New York. You can see feces smeared inside and that still won’t be the last time you ride the subway. At most, you might switch cars. If you saw feces smeared anywhere else, you’d be like, “Well, I guess we don’t visit anymore.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whale at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that bow-head whales perform jazz-like improvisations when singing. Which explains why all the other whales hate them.

[Picture changes to a calendar and a bowl of noodles]

Wednesday was ramen noodle day but if you’re depressed enough, everyday is ramen noodle day.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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