Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A teacher in Oklahoma who was participating in the state wide teacher walkout was arrested for having sex with a student. Worse, she had to pay for her own supplies. [picture changes to condoms.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: For shame.
Michael Che: You’re wrong about that.
Colin Jost: A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, “Ah, I think I’m gonna like court.”[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]
This week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress for a total of 10 hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why he needed a congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean, they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, “There’s no way that I clicked on a 147 ‘Dog Befriends Turtle’ pictures.” People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, “She won’t forward this to all her friends, right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre.”[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a woman doing yoga at right top corner. There’s a baby goat beside her.]
Michael Che: A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is, it doesn’t.[Cut to Colin Jost. There are picture os Argentinian flag and marijuana leaf at right top corner. Colin Jost is looking down going through the papers. Suddenly, he looks at the camera laughing.]
Colin Jost: [laughing] I did not know it was coming back to me.
Michael Che: Slides, dude!
Colin Jost: I did not know it was coming back to me. Eight police officers in Argentina were fired after more than a ton of marijuana disappeared from a warehouse and they claimed it was eaten by mice. For reference, this is what a mouse who ate one ton of marijuana would look like. [Picture changes to Miley Cyrus wearing mouse dress.] [Picture changes to an alarm clock.]
According to a new study, people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So, if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.