….. COLIN JOST
….. PETE DAVIDSON
….. MICHAEL CHE
COLIN JOST: And now here to talk about how he spent his summer is Pete Davidson.
PETE DAVIDSON: Hello.
COLIN JOST: Hi.
PETE DAVIDSON: Hi Colin. So my summer, yeah, do we need to explain? Or can I just like… [ Pete motions forward with his hand ] get into it?
COLIN JOST: Yeah, I think we can just get into it. Well, you got engaged to Ariana Grande.
PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah I did. Yeah. Thank you! I did. I got engaged, and no one could believe it. I couldn’t believe it. And, uh, I get it. She’s the number one pop star in the world, and I’m that guy from SNL that everyone thinks is in desperate need of more blood.
COLIN JOST: Well congratulations, I know it’s been kinda crazy.
PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Do you remember when that whole city pretended that kid was Batman because he was sick. That’s what this feels like.
COLIN JOST: And have you been enjoying all the attention?
PETE DAVIDSON: I hate it. It’s Awful. I’m so scared. Yo, I got death threats. Yeah, yeah..it’s Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and Pete Davidson are all people that have gotten death threats. And I like assumed that I would find out about it like they do in movies. Like the governments in your living room with like headsets and there are detectives with suits. And they’re like, ‘Sir we have a situation’. That’s not how I found out. I was leaving my building, and my doorman said, ‘Yo man! Somebody tryin’ to kill you’.
COLIN JOST: And now if you don’t mind me asking..Can I ask, what is the prenup situation?
PETE DAVIDSON: Well obviously I wanted one. You know so God forbid, God forbid we split up, and she takes half my sneakers. No look, I am totally comfortable being with a successful woman. It’s dope. I live at her place, you know. She pays like 60 grand for rent, and all I have to do is like stock the fridge. [ Pete pauses ] Yeah.
COLIN JOST: Well the man doesn’t always have to be the breadwinner in the relationship.
PETE DAVIDSON: God damn right, Colin! He does not. Uh, last night I switched her birth control with Tic Tacs. No, I believe in us and all. But you know, I just want to like make sure. [ Pete pauses ] That she can’t go anywhere.
COLIN JOST: Well she put a song on her new album, and it was called Pete Davidson.
PETE DAVIDSON: I know.
COLIN JOST: That sounds like a very amazing thing to do.
PETE DAVIDSON: Sick.
COLIN JOST: Yeah, and like what have you done for her?
PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, I mentioned the fridge thing. Um, I also love her very much.
COLIN JOST: That’s great.
PETE DAVIDSON: You know I don’t even get royalties for that Pete Davidson song. You know that, like if we break up, and we won’t. We will. But we won’t. No, I’m kidding. But like in 10 years, God forbid that ever happened, there will be song called Pete Davidson like playing in speakers at Kmart, and I’ll be working there.
COLIN JOST: Pete Davidson everyone. [ Colin points at Pete ] For the Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.
MICHAEL CHE: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!
