MICHAEL CHE: A new report from the UN shows that last year Columbia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by Bobby Brown’s sneeze.
COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia flyers are being mocked online for their new team mascot which is a 7 foot tall fuzzy creature named Gritty with a long orange beard, googly eyes, and I assume a dime bag of mostly stems. And this is an interesting fact, Gritty is actually the first mascot made from the crayon drawings of a 5 year old who saw his parents murdered.
MICHAEL CHE: Hey, Hey, Hey. Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to ten years in prison. You know what really bothers me about Bill Cosby, if I can be serious. He made a show called ‘The Cosby Show’ and it was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable. Isn’t that weird?
COLIN JOST: A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than 11,000 dollars by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. Now these scams can be tricky. But one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asked to borrow 11,000 dollars.
MICHAEL CHE: I mean Frasier is about Frasier Roseanne is about Roseanne. Seinfeld is about Seinfeld. What if I told you Everybody Loves Raymond was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable? Am I the only one bothered by this? Alright. Fine. Take the rapist’s side.
COLIN JOST: ..is not a sponsor anymore.
MICHAEL CHE: Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will change its name to just Dunkin’. The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.
BECK BENNETT: That was the Oh?
Researchers in Hong Kong reported the first ever case of a human contracting Rat Hepatitis. Worst, now that guy has to call and inform every rat that he has ever slept with.