Weekend Update- Robert Mueller


Colin Jost

Robert Mueller… Mate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, special council Robert Mueller may have reached a deal with Steve Bannon in exchange for his testimony in the Russia investigation. Here to comment is Robert Mueller.

[Robert Mueller slides in] [cheers and applause]

Robert Mueller: Oh, hi. Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: Hey. How are you there?

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s me, Robert Mueller.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. You look great.

Robert Mueller: Yeah. Thank you.

Colin Jost: You look great. Thanks for being here.

Robert Mueller: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. I wanted to come out here tonight to assure the American people that our investigation’s progressing smoothly. We’re looking forward to a timely and orderly conclusion.

Colin Jost: That’s great. And, can you give us a sense of where it’s heading?

Robert Mueller: Well, obviously I can’t discuss particulars of an ongoing investigation. But… [Robert Mueller is smiling hard] Yeah. We’re good.

Colin Jost: Really? Really? We good?

Robert Mueller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean… no, no. You just wait. You’ll see.

Colin Jost: So, even with like, the Trump bout it, or–

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re good. We’re good. Situation’s under control. Colin, you got– okay, yeah. You gotta remember, I have actual footage of– no. You know what? I want to tell you so bad. I can’t. I’m not gonna. it’s gonna be fun. Yeah.

Colin Jost: So, then I take it you have nard evidence?

Robert Mueller: Colin, come on. You’re putting me in a weird position. I cannot comment on that. But yeah, big time. I just– oh man! Can I tell them? Ah! I want to tell em’ one thing. Okay. I shouldn’t be– no. Okay, so– yeah. Don Jr., he wrote in his Venmo description, “Russia– ” No! I can’t! Oh! I can’t! It hurts. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, don’t do this. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Oh, my god.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what happens if Trump fires you?

Robert Mueller: He could. That’s a real possibility. But, it’s a little late for that. Cat’s out of the bag. And the bag’s full of, um, how do I say this? Michael Flynn’s wire tap. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Wait. So, you put a wire on Flynn?

Robert Mueller: I can neither confirm nor deny this, Colin. Please. But, if you were to, I don’t know, ask me to bang the desk for if I did.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, bang the desk if– [Robert Mueller bangs the desk] But is it bad? Or–? [Colin Jost bangs the desk few more times] But it’s not like treason bad, right?

Robert Mueller: I don’t know.

[Robert Mueller starts banging the desk here and there.]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s not. Colin, you gotta understand. The guide didn’t leave me a bread crunch here. He left me full loaves. Fresh seven grain loaves straight from panera bread. I’m having a blast, man.

Colin Jost: Well, can you give us any sense of how this all ends?

Robert Mueller: Yes. Okay. Well, let me put it this way. You know how you love the show ‘Lost’? But it never really came together. There was no satisfying ending. Ah! [smiling] This ain’t lost.

Colin Jost: Robert Mueller, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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