Robert Mueller… Mate McKinnon[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week, special council Robert Mueller may have reached a deal with Steve Bannon in exchange for his testimony in the Russia investigation. Here to comment is Robert Mueller.[Robert Mueller slides in] [cheers and applause]
Robert Mueller: Oh, hi. Hello. How are you?
Colin Jost: Hey. How are you there?
Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s me, Robert Mueller.
Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. You look great.
Robert Mueller: Yeah. Thank you.
Colin Jost: You look great. Thanks for being here.
Robert Mueller: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. I wanted to come out here tonight to assure the American people that our investigation’s progressing smoothly. We’re looking forward to a timely and orderly conclusion.
Colin Jost: That’s great. And, can you give us a sense of where it’s heading?
Robert Mueller: Well, obviously I can’t discuss particulars of an ongoing investigation. But… [Robert Mueller is smiling hard] Yeah. We’re good.
Colin Jost: Really? Really? We good?
Robert Mueller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean… no, no. You just wait. You’ll see.
Colin Jost: So, even with like, the Trump bout it, or–
Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re good. We’re good. Situation’s under control. Colin, you got– okay, yeah. You gotta remember, I have actual footage of– no. You know what? I want to tell you so bad. I can’t. I’m not gonna. it’s gonna be fun. Yeah.
Colin Jost: So, then I take it you have nard evidence?
Robert Mueller: Colin, come on. You’re putting me in a weird position. I cannot comment on that. But yeah, big time. I just– oh man! Can I tell them? Ah! I want to tell em’ one thing. Okay. I shouldn’t be– no. Okay, so– yeah. Don Jr., he wrote in his Venmo description, “Russia– ” No! I can’t! Oh! I can’t! It hurts. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, don’t do this. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Oh, my god.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what happens if Trump fires you?
Robert Mueller: He could. That’s a real possibility. But, it’s a little late for that. Cat’s out of the bag. And the bag’s full of, um, how do I say this? Michael Flynn’s wire tap. Ha-ha-ha.
Colin Jost: Wait. So, you put a wire on Flynn?
Robert Mueller: I can neither confirm nor deny this, Colin. Please. But, if you were to, I don’t know, ask me to bang the desk for if I did.
Colin Jost: Okay, well, bang the desk if– [Robert Mueller bangs the desk] But is it bad? Or–? [Colin Jost bangs the desk few more times] But it’s not like treason bad, right?
Robert Mueller: I don’t know.[Robert Mueller starts banging the desk here and there.]
Colin Jost: Wow!
Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s not. Colin, you gotta understand. The guide didn’t leave me a bread crunch here. He left me full loaves. Fresh seven grain loaves straight from panera bread. I’m having a blast, man.
Colin Jost: Well, can you give us any sense of how this all ends?
Robert Mueller: Yes. Okay. Well, let me put it this way. You know how you love the show ‘Lost’? But it never really came together. There was no satisfying ending. Ah! [smiling] This ain’t lost.
Colin Jost: Robert Mueller, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.