Weekend Update: Six-Foot-Tall Steer | Season 44 Episode 7


[Michael Che on the news set. There’s a picture of big steer between many cows on the right top corner]

Michael Che: An Australian Rancher said that a six-foot tall steer weighing over one ton is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. Yeah, me too, [Picture changes to three cows stacked upon each other wearing a coat] said three cows in a trench coat.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gritty pupped on left top corner] Philadelphia flyers Mascot gritty helped light the Christmas tree outside Philadelphia’s city hall this week. Yeah! Yeah, Gritty was a last-minute replacement for Santa Claus, who was busy trying to escape from Gritty’s trunk. [Picture changes to Santa abducted by Gritty and kept in his trunk] [Picture changes to a logo of Starbucks and wi-fi symbol] Starbucks announced that starting in 2019 it will block pornography websites over its wi-fi. It’s a move they’re calling [Picture changes to Michael Che using a laptop in Starbucks] Che’s Law.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: It’s a good law. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of J.F.K airport on the top right corner] Officials at J.F.K. airport said that a suitcase containing more than 100 pounds of cocaine was left unclaimed at the luggage carousel. For reference, here’s what 100 pounds of cocaine look like. [Pictue changes to Steven Tyler] [Picture changes to a map picture of Brazil]

Brazilian officials announced that deforestation in the country has reached it’s highest level in a decade. Worse, they’re only doing it because their boyfriend likes it that way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

It’s a waxing joke!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin and Michael] Oh, thank you. I just got it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

Researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts. So, yes, there is a way dick pics can get worse.

[Picture changes to Dunkin Donuts] Dunkin’ donuts is saying it’s customer rewards program may have been hacked because American runs on Duncan, but Duncan runs on [Picture changes to old desktop computer] windows 98.

Michael Che: [Cut to Colin and Michael] And on a serious note, Friday night former President George H.W. Bush passed away. He was 94 years old. Our thoughts and condolences go out to his family and friends.

Colin Jost: That’s right, President Bush was famously a warm and gracious man who always understood the power in being able to laugh at yourself.

Speaker 3: [Cut to George Bush impressionist] Thousand points of lights still operating. Coming in from all of those areas. Not gonna do it! Not GA DA.

George Bush: [Cut to George Bush] George Bush here. I’m watching you do your impression of me, and I got to say, it’s nothing like me. There’s no resemblance. It’s bad. It’s bad.

[Cut to George Bush on right side and his impressionist on left side]

Speaker 3: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President, I think it’s a fair impression.

George Bush: Don’t see it.

Speaker 3: You don’t?

George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated, not me. Those crazy hand gestures, pointing thing. I don’t do’em. And also Na Go Da—never said it. In all my years of government service, I never once said Na, Ga, Da.

[Cut to George Bush’s picture] [Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Colin Jost. Good night.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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