Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]
Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]
Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]
Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]
A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.