Stefon… Bill Hader
Shy… John Mulaney
Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.[Stefon slides in] [cheers and applause]
Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.
Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.
Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?
Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.
Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?
Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?
Michael Che: Yeah.
Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.
Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?
Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.
Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.
Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.
Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.
Michael Che: What?[everyone laughing]
Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.
Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?
Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.
Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.
Stefon: Please, call me by your name.
Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.
Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.
Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?
Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.
Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?
Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?
Michael Che: Sure.
Colin Jost: Yeah.
Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?[Shy walks in with a briefcase] [cheers and applause]
Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.
Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?
Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.[Shy walks out]
Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.
Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.
Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]
Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?
Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.
Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.
Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.