Colin Jost
Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Yesterday, In Touch Weekly released a 5,000 word interview with pornstar Stormy Daniels about an affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump in 2006. Here to comment is Stormy Daniels.
[Stormy Daniels slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Stormy Daniels: Hi, Colin.
Colin Jost: Yeah, hi, Stormy. How are you?
Stormy Daniels: I’m way fine. Whatever.
Colin Jost: That’s great. Now, you’re a kind of unlikely ally for critics of Donald Trump now.
Stormy Daniels: I know. It’s crazy, right? I’m all over Huffington Pollison daily beast. I’m like a liberal hero. Even though I’m a republican pornstar who loves Sarah Palin. Right? Things are so bad right now, they are so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.
Colin Jost: Wow. So, you also direct porn?
Stormy Daniels: Yeah, Colin. Coz unlike your industry, we actually have female directors. Imagine that? Now, I get it that I’m not what these people in vision their hero would look like, but guess what, America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.
Colin Jost: What does that mean?
Stormy Daniels: Well, okay, okay. Take for instance the still Dacia, right? Alright. When the information about Russia was important enough that somebody wound up dead, but all anybody wanted to talk about was the Russian hookers. That’s why you get me. You get a Stormy. Alright? And when I was hanging out late at night with Donald Trump and Ben Roethlisberger, and the one I trusted to get me home safe was Ben Roethlisberger. And then you guys went and made the other guy president? You get a Stormy. And ladies, when it’s the one year anniversary of the women’s march and y’all are arguing about, who gets to say “me too” and who doesn’t? Well, you get a Stormy. And my hashtag isn’t #TimesUp. It’s #AssUp.
Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. So, you’re here to teach people a lesson then?
Stormy Daniels: No, no, no, no. I just, I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. But that’s not gonna happen. And I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey, you’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy. And that’s what you get. [pointing at audience] You get a Stormy. And you get a Stormy. Oh, I’m like Oprah.
Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.
Stormy Daniels: Should I run for president?
Colin Jost: No. No, no. Stormy Daniels, everyone.
Stormy Daniels: I would win. Of course, I would win.
