Weekend Update: U.N.’s Climate Change Report: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. Well, guys, hi. [ He points to an image of Trump and Kanye shaking hands. ] This was pretty crazy. But look, it’s not the end of the world. Okay, because this is the end of the world. [ He points to an image of the world with the words ‘Catastrophic Climate Change by 2030. ] That’s right scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth this week. And people were like, but yeah, what does Taylor Swift think about it? We don’t really worry about climate change because it’s too overwhelming and we’re already in too deep. It’s like if you owe your bookie a $1000, you’re like, ‘I gotta pay this dude back.’ But if you owe you’re bookie a million dollars, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m just gonna die.’

MICHAEL CHE: This story’s been stressing me out all week. I just keep asking myself, ‘Why don’t I care about this?” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I 100% believe in climate change, but yet, I am willing to do absolutely nothing about it. I mean we are all gonna lose the planet. We should be sad, right. This whole episode should be a telethon or something, but it’s not. I think it’s because they keep telling us we’re going to lose everything and nobody cares about everything. People only care about some things. Like if Fox News reported that in 2030 climate change was gonna take away all the flags and Confederate statues, oh there would be recycling bins outside of every Cracker Barrell and Dick’s Sporting Goods. White dudes would learn how to recycle then. Black dudes already know how to recycle good. Every container in my apartment used to be something else. But you know how much more black people would care about the planet if you told us we were going to lose Atlanta in 10 years? Black dudes would put windmills on their rims. You want white women to care about the environment? Tell them that if they don’t do something about climate change, we’re gonna lose all the yarn. White women love yarn. No more hats, no more scarves. No more of those ridiculous socks you knit for your dog.

COLIN JOST: Yarn. In a new interview, Melania Trump changed her explanation for wearing the ‘I really don’t care do you?’ jacket, saying she did at as a message for the liberal media. Then what was the message behind your African safari look? Was it a warning not to play Jumanji? I mean just admit that it was tone deaf. I mean, at this point I’m surprised she didn’t show up to the Kavanaugh hearing dressed as the St. Pauli girl. A new report claims that Taylor Swift’s Instagram post endorsing mid-term candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy’s got 6 million people to vote for, ‘Which burger can get it?’

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