Anchor 1…..Colin Jost
Anchor 2…..Michael Che
[Intro video of Weekend Update playing]
Voiceover: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che sitting on the News Table]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Collin Jost.
[Cut to Collin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh’s picture on the top left corner]
Colin Jost: Just hours ago, the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the supreme court with a vote of 50-48. 50 is the lowest number of votes. The lowest number of votes for a justice in history, but keep in mind it’s also the most yeses Kavanaugh has ever heard.
Listen, even if you look past Dr. Ford’s testimony which many people seem to have no trouble doing, Kavanaugh did a bunch of disqualifying just this past week. He basically lied under oath at a job interview to become a judge. That’s like cheating on your wife during your wedding. And then after he went full “Do you know who my father is?” at the confirmation hearing, he had to publish an apology letter in the Wall Street Journal [The picture in the top left corner changes to The Wall Street Journal article] which is something AA calls Step Nine. In that OP-ED, Kavanaugh vowed he would be a quote “Open Minded Judge.” I actually think he will be open-minded because you’ve got to be pretty open-minded to try a devil’s triangle. [The picture in the top left corner changes to White House with a tag ‘LIMITED INVESTIGATION’] And this is all following an FBI investigation which honestly didn’t seem super thorough. He’s what a law and order episode on this investigation would look like.
[Cut to two detectives inside an investigation room talking to a suspect]
Female Detective: We found your fingerprints on a handle of the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.
The suspect: [Cut to the suspect denying the accusation] I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Female Detective: [Cut to the female detective] Well you’re free to go.
[Cut to Credit screen with only one credit, ‘Executive Producer – Dick Wolf]
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh with a Department of Justice logo and a tag ‘FBI INVESTIGATION’] Yes, that FBI investigation was quite ridiculous, but my question is for the five out of six Republican women that voted for Kavanaugh. [The top right corner picture changes to five republican females] So are you all like, hostages? This feels like one of those horror movies where white ladies in love with the monster but doesn’t know it. And all the black people watching are like, “Oh Megan, you’re about to get ate.” This is not good for any of us. And I say us because if these Republicans don’t care about you, oh they definitely don’t care about me, if a white lady in tears can’t get justice then there’s no hoe for my black ass in Jordans.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh on the top left corner with a tag ‘DEMOCRATS CALL HIM “EVIL”’] I’m also angry at Democrats like Cory Booker who came out and called Brett Kavanaugh evil when his nomination was first announced. Then when he was accused of actual evil they had nowhere to go.
[Top left corner picture changes to a picture OJ commercial] It’s like seeing OJ doing a Hertz commercial in the 80’s and saying this is the worst thing he’ll ever do.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I heard the president say on TV that quote, [Cut to the written quote] “IT’S A SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN IN AMERICA WHEN YOU CAN BE GUILTY OF SOMETHING THAT YOU MAY NOT BE GUILTY OF.”
[Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I don’t have a joke for that. I just thought it was hilarious. Come on! Old rich white dude telling us it’s a scary time in America. That is pure comedy. And I will be stealing that line.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost] Republicans are now planning to use the liberal opposition to Brett Kavanaugh to stoke anger among the GOP base ahead of the midterm elections. But if that doesn’t work, they can always fire up their base by saying any of the following things.
[Cut to lists of things they can say, the list – Hillary, Immigrants, Pelosi, Black Lives Matter, NFL, George Soros, Gay Frogs, Puerto Rico, Lady Ghostbusters, Male Nurses, MS-13, MS-14, UP-40, Diversity, Gender-neutral, Kaepernick, LeBron James, Catheter discomfort, Mexico, Obamacare, Starbucks cups, Maxine Waters, The Last Jedi, Barbie dolls with careers, Lena Dunham, Jeff Sessions for some reason] [Punk Rock music playing on back ground – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it. We’re not going to take it anymore.]
[List goes on after a small pause, the list – Black Panther, Black Santa, Brown Himilton, Vagina hats, “farm-to-table”, Fuel economy, Debra Messing, “Happy Holidays”, Michael Moore, Climate change, Mueller, They don’t tell you hit the quarterback anymore] [Punk Rock music playing on background – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it.]
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of the President Donald Trump top in the left top corner with a tag ‘TRUMP TAX SCHEME’] The New York Times uncovered that through out his life Donal Trump received a $413 million inheritance from his father, but Trump said what he was inherited was actually not that big. It was more toad stool sized. The New York Times also published a report accusing the Trump family of cheating the government out of $500 million in taxes. Personally, I think the IRS should just seize all the money the Trump family hid and gave it to Puerto Rico. Or better yet, they could make Trump’s biggest nightmare come true and let a bunch Puerto Ricans come live in his buildings.
