Weezer | Season 44 Episode 9

Beck Bennett

Martha… Heidi Gardner

Matt Damon

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of a house in a Christmas night]

[Laughing]

[Cut to dining hall with six adults]

Beck: I mean, we can laugh at it now.

Martha: That’s our favorite story.

Matt Damon: So good.

Martha: Can I get anyone a drink?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Real quick, hey, just so you know, I just got to say thank you so much for inviting us. I know we just moved into the neighborhood but it’s nice to have company around the holidays.

Leslie Jones:  Yes, you all have been so welcoming.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Don’t mention it. That’s what neighbors are for.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck:  Yeah. You’re welcome here anytime.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you so much.

Cecily Strong: Cheers to our new neighbors.

[Cut to everyone]

Everbody: Cheers! Cheers!

[Music plays]

Matt Damon: Oh, Now we’re talking. Who put this on?

Cecily Strong: This song sounds familiar. What is this again?

Martha: I don’t know, it’s on shuffle.

Matt Damon: I’m sorry. [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Wait, you haven’t heard this yet? This Weezer’s cover of “Africa”. It’s good right?

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Wheezer? I didn’t know they were still a band.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Haha. Where the hell have you been, Rick? They just set a released date for the freaking “Black” album. [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I mean, they’re laying new year’s rocking eve. Come on, Weezer!

Beck: Oh, okay. Ha.

Leslie Jones: So you call yourself a Weezer fan?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, please it’s Christmas.

Leslie Jones: No, no, no, I’m just asking him a question. Sounds like you’re into that new stuff?

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Damn straight. I mean I think they’re doing some real cool things right now.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: ♪Baby be cool♪

Leslie Jones: I’m just getting to know the neighbors. I’m just a little confused because real Weezer fans know that they haven’t had a good album since “Pinkerton” in 96’.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Oh! Uh-oh. Looks like we got a purist in the house. All right, I’m going to have fun with this.

Cecily Strong: What’s happening right now?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones:  What’s happening is that Weezer put out two perfect albums, “Blue” and “Pinkerton”, and the rest have been pretty corny.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Well, that’s your opinion, but me, I’m ride or die.

Cecily Strong: For Weezer?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: They’ve been trash since 2001, son.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Well if you think that, then you ain’t going to like what I’m about to say.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Well then please don’t say it.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: “Pork and beans” is better than “Buddy Holly”.

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. You’re dumb. Beck, tell him he’s dumb! [Leslie stands with her champagne]

[Cut to Beck and Leslie]

Martha: Is this something people care about?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, no, it isn’t.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Wait, let me guess, you only listened to the first two records?

Leslie Jones: Hey, man, [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I’ll go all the way.

Matt Damon: You know what you sound like right now? [Matt also stands] Okay, hold on. Here’s what you sound like, you sound like, [Cut to Matt] “Oh, hey I’m stuck in 1994. High school’s awesome!” Why don’t you grow the hell up. Listen to “Raditude”, listen to “Pacific Daydreams.”

[Cut to Leslie. She is laughing hard]

Leslie Jones: Pacific Daydream is not music, man.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: No offense, but burn in hell. I mean you just don’t understand what Rivers is going through right now.

[Cut to Leslie][Leslie grabs her champagne glass and breaks it with a tight grasp][Leslie is angry]

Leslie Jones: Bitch! [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] Rivers doesn’t understand what Rivers is going through right now! I know more about Rivers than he knows about himself.

Martha: I’m gathering that Rivers might be a guy in Weezer?

Matt Damon: Look, can we all just agree that Weezer is the best band of all time?

[Some say ‘Yes’, some say ‘No’. Leslie says ‘Yes’.]

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: And then became the worst band of all time!

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: What? Do you even listen to “Memories”?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] [Leslie talks while she claps] You are a grown-ass man! You bringing up stuff from early?

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: [Matt claps while talking to mock Leslie] It was in “Jask ass 3D”.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] Weezer died when Matt Sharp left.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Weezer didn’t start until Scott Shriner got there!

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh, you trying to die. [Leslie tries to jump on Matt]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, calm down! I will testify this time.

Cecily Strong: Hey, you know what band I always liked? [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Yellow card.

Matt Damon: No offense, Tammy, but drink my blood.

Cecily Strong: What? Is that a Weezer reference?

Matt Damon: No, no, that is a Todd original. You know, I don’t even know why I cam here tonight.

[Cut to Beck, Martha, Matt and Cecily]

Martha: Yeah, neither do we.

Beck: No one technically invited you.

Matt Damon: Oh, can it, dork. Martha, no offfense, your neighbors suck and I’m glad we’re divorced. But if you want to get back together with me— [Matt starts walking away]

Martha: I don’t.

Matt Damon: But if you do want to get back together with me, you know where to find me.

[Cut to Kenan, Matt and Leslie]

Martha: Don’t say it!

Matt Damon: ♪Living in Beverly Hills♪[Matt mocks Leslie with the song and leaves]

Leslie Jones: Well, I actually like that song.