Weezer | Season 44 Episode 9


Beck Bennett

Martha… Heidi Gardner

Matt Damon

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of a house in a Christmas night] [Laughing] [Cut to dining hall with six adults]

Beck: I mean, we can laugh at it now.

Martha: That’s our favorite story.

Matt Damon: So good.

Martha: Can I get anyone a drink?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Real quick, hey, just so you know, I just got to say thank you so much for inviting us. I know we just moved into the neighborhood but it’s nice to have company around the holidays.

Leslie Jones:  Yes, you all have been so welcoming.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Don’t mention it. That’s what neighbors are for.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck:  Yeah. You’re welcome here anytime.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you so much.

Cecily Strong: Cheers to our new neighbors.

[Cut to everyone]

Everbody: Cheers! Cheers!

[Music plays]

Matt Damon: Oh, Now we’re talking. Who put this on?

Cecily Strong: This song sounds familiar. What is this again?

Martha: I don’t know, it’s on shuffle.

Matt Damon: I’m sorry. [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Wait, you haven’t heard this yet? This Weezer’s cover of “Africa”. It’s good right?

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Wheezer? I didn’t know they were still a band.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Haha. Where the hell have you been, Rick? They just set a released date for the freaking “Black” album. [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I mean, they’re laying new year’s rocking eve. Come on, Weezer!

Beck: Oh, okay. Ha.

Leslie Jones: So you call yourself a Weezer fan?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, please it’s Christmas.

Leslie Jones: No, no, no, I’m just asking him a question. Sounds like you’re into that new stuff?

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Damn straight. I mean I think they’re doing some real cool things right now.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: ♪Baby be cool♪

Leslie Jones: I’m just getting to know the neighbors. I’m just a little confused because real Weezer fans know that they haven’t had a good album since “Pinkerton” in 96’.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Oh! Uh-oh. Looks like we got a purist in the house. All right, I’m going to have fun with this.

Cecily Strong: What’s happening right now?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones:  What’s happening is that Weezer put out two perfect albums, “Blue” and “Pinkerton”, and the rest have been pretty corny.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Well, that’s your opinion, but me, I’m ride or die.

Cecily Strong: For Weezer?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: They’ve been trash since 2001, son.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Well if you think that, then you ain’t going to like what I’m about to say.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Well then please don’t say it.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: “Pork and beans” is better than “Buddy Holly”.

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. You’re dumb. Beck, tell him he’s dumb! [Leslie stands with her champagne] [Cut to Beck and Leslie]

Martha: Is this something people care about?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, no, it isn’t.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Wait, let me guess, you only listened to the first two records?

Leslie Jones: Hey, man, [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I’ll go all the way.

Matt Damon: You know what you sound like right now? [Matt also stands] Okay, hold on. Here’s what you sound like, you sound like, [Cut to Matt] “Oh, hey I’m stuck in 1994. High school’s awesome!” Why don’t you grow the hell up. Listen to “Raditude”, listen to “Pacific Daydreams.”

[Cut to Leslie. She is laughing hard]

Leslie Jones: Pacific Daydream is not music, man.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: No offense, but burn in hell. I mean you just don’t understand what Rivers is going through right now.

[Cut to Leslie][Leslie grabs her champagne glass and breaks it with a tight grasp][Leslie is angry]

Leslie Jones: Bitch! [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] Rivers doesn’t understand what Rivers is going through right now! I know more about Rivers than he knows about himself.

Martha: I’m gathering that Rivers might be a guy in Weezer?

Matt Damon: Look, can we all just agree that Weezer is the best band of all time?

[Some say ‘Yes’, some say ‘No’. Leslie says ‘Yes’.] [Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: And then became the worst band of all time!

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: What? Do you even listen to “Memories”?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] [Leslie talks while she claps] You are a grown-ass man! You bringing up stuff from early?

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: [Matt claps while talking to mock Leslie] It was in “Jask ass 3D”.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] Weezer died when Matt Sharp left.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Weezer didn’t start until Scott Shriner got there!

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh, you trying to die. [Leslie tries to jump on Matt]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, calm down! I will testify this time.

Cecily Strong: Hey, you know what band I always liked? [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Yellow card.

Matt Damon: No offense, Tammy, but drink my blood.

Cecily Strong: What? Is that a Weezer reference?

Matt Damon: No, no, that is a Todd original. You know, I don’t even know why I cam here tonight.

[Cut to Beck, Martha, Matt and Cecily]

Martha: Yeah, neither do we.

Beck: No one technically invited you.

Matt Damon: Oh, can it, dork. Martha, no offfense, your neighbors suck and I’m glad we’re divorced. But if you want to get back together with me— [Matt starts walking away]

Martha: I don’t.

Matt Damon: But if you do want to get back together with me, you know where to find me.

[Cut to Kenan, Matt and Leslie]

Martha: Don’t say it!

Matt Damon: ♪Living in Beverly Hills♪[Matt mocks Leslie with the song and leaves]

Leslie Jones: Well, I actually like that song.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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