Martha… Heidi Gardner
Cecily Strong[Starts with a video clip of a house in a Christmas night] [Laughing] [Cut to dining hall with six adults]
Beck: I mean, we can laugh at it now.
Martha: That’s our favorite story.
Matt Damon: So good.
Martha: Can I get anyone a drink?[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]
Kenan Thompson: Real quick, hey, just so you know, I just got to say thank you so much for inviting us. I know we just moved into the neighborhood but it’s nice to have company around the holidays.
Leslie Jones: Yes, you all have been so welcoming.[Cut to Matt and Cecily]
Matt Damon: Don’t mention it. That’s what neighbors are for.[Cut to Beck and Martha]
Beck: Yeah. You’re welcome here anytime.[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]
Leslie Jones: Thank you so much.
Cecily Strong: Cheers to our new neighbors.[Cut to everyone]
Everbody: Cheers! Cheers![Music plays]
Matt Damon: Oh, Now we’re talking. Who put this on?
Cecily Strong: This song sounds familiar. What is this again?
Martha: I don’t know, it’s on shuffle.
Matt Damon: I’m sorry. [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Wait, you haven’t heard this yet? This Weezer’s cover of “Africa”. It’s good right?
Beck: Wheezer? I didn’t know they were still a band.[Cut to Matt and Cecily]
Matt Damon: Haha. Where the hell have you been, Rick? They just set a released date for the freaking “Black” album. [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I mean, they’re laying new year’s rocking eve. Come on, Weezer!
Beck: Oh, okay. Ha.
Leslie Jones: So you call yourself a Weezer fan?[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]
Kenan Thompson: Baby, please it’s Christmas.
Leslie Jones: No, no, no, I’m just asking him a question. Sounds like you’re into that new stuff?[Cut to Matt and Cecily]
Matt Damon: Damn straight. I mean I think they’re doing some real cool things right now.[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]
Kenan Thompson: ♪Baby be cool♪
Leslie Jones: I’m just getting to know the neighbors. I’m just a little confused because real Weezer fans know that they haven’t had a good album since “Pinkerton” in 96’.[Cut to Matt and Cecily]
Matt Damon: Oh! Uh-oh. Looks like we got a purist in the house. All right, I’m going to have fun with this.
Cecily Strong: What’s happening right now?[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]
Leslie Jones: What’s happening is that Weezer put out two perfect albums, “Blue” and “Pinkerton”, and the rest have been pretty corny.[Cut to Matt and Cecily]
Matt Damon: Well, that’s your opinion, but me, I’m ride or die.
Cecily Strong: For Weezer?[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie Jones: They’ve been trash since 2001, son.
Matt Damon: Well if you think that, then you ain’t going to like what I’m about to say.[Cut to Beck and Martha]
Beck: Well then please don’t say it.[Cut to Matt]
Matt Damon: “Pork and beans” is better than “Buddy Holly”.[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]
Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. You’re dumb. Beck, tell him he’s dumb! [Leslie stands with her champagne] [Cut to Beck and Leslie]
Martha: Is this something people care about?[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan Thompson: No, no, it isn’t.[Cut to Matt]
Matt Damon: Wait, let me guess, you only listened to the first two records?
Leslie Jones: Hey, man, [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I’ll go all the way.
Matt Damon: You know what you sound like right now? [Matt also stands] Okay, hold on. Here’s what you sound like, you sound like, [Cut to Matt] “Oh, hey I’m stuck in 1994. High school’s awesome!” Why don’t you grow the hell up. Listen to “Raditude”, listen to “Pacific Daydreams.”[Cut to Leslie. She is laughing hard]
Leslie Jones: Pacific Daydream is not music, man.[Cut to Matt]
Matt Damon: No offense, but burn in hell. I mean you just don’t understand what Rivers is going through right now.[Cut to Leslie][Leslie grabs her champagne glass and breaks it with a tight grasp][Leslie is angry]
Leslie Jones: Bitch! [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] Rivers doesn’t understand what Rivers is going through right now! I know more about Rivers than he knows about himself.
Martha: I’m gathering that Rivers might be a guy in Weezer?
Matt Damon: Look, can we all just agree that Weezer is the best band of all time?[Some say ‘Yes’, some say ‘No’. Leslie says ‘Yes’.] [Cut to Leslie]
Leslie Jones: And then became the worst band of all time![Cut to Matt]
Matt Damon: What? Do you even listen to “Memories”?[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie Jones: [Laughing] [Leslie talks while she claps] You are a grown-ass man! You bringing up stuff from early?[Cut to Matt]
Matt Damon: [Matt claps while talking to mock Leslie] It was in “Jask ass 3D”.[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie Jones: [Laughing] Weezer died when Matt Sharp left.[Cut to Matt]
Matt Damon: Weezer didn’t start until Scott Shriner got there![Cut to everyone in the dining hall]
Leslie Jones: Oh, you trying to die. [Leslie tries to jump on Matt]
Kenan Thompson: Baby, calm down! I will testify this time.
Cecily Strong: Hey, you know what band I always liked? [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Yellow card.
Matt Damon: No offense, Tammy, but drink my blood.
Cecily Strong: What? Is that a Weezer reference?
Matt Damon: No, no, that is a Todd original. You know, I don’t even know why I cam here tonight.[Cut to Beck, Martha, Matt and Cecily]
Martha: Yeah, neither do we.
Beck: No one technically invited you.
Matt Damon: Oh, can it, dork. Martha, no offfense, your neighbors suck and I’m glad we’re divorced. But if you want to get back together with me— [Matt starts walking away]
Martha: I don’t.
Matt Damon: But if you do want to get back together with me, you know where to find me.[Cut to Kenan, Matt and Leslie]
Martha: Don’t say it!
Matt Damon: ♪Living in Beverly Hills♪[Matt mocks Leslie with the song and leaves]
Leslie Jones: Well, I actually like that song.