Jerry… Matt Damon
Georgina Mont-Blanc… Aidy Bryant
Tweedy Daddy… Alex Moffat
Business Daddy… Chris Redd
Announcer: Welcome back to the 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show.[Cut to Kate and Jerryin their set]
Kate McKinnon: Well, it’s Christmas time, so you know what that means.
Jerry: I do. It means it’s time for the Daddy Show.
Kate McKinnon: It is.
Jerry: We are finally up to the best in show category and I have to say, this year’s competitors are raising the bar.
Kate McKinnon: They are indeed. For anyone just joining us, this is a dog show but for daddies.
Jerry: Now, what exactly is a daddy?
Kate McKinnon: Well, think George Clooney but achievable.
Jerry: Love that. It’s like we say –
Both: Any man can be a father, but it takes a hot middle-aged guy with a big job to be a daddy.[Cut to the stage. Georgina Mont-Blanc walks in.]
Kate McKinnon: Oh, here comes out head judge, Georgina Mont-Blanc. What do you think she’s looking for from this year’s pack of daddies?[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Jerry: Our judges will be looking for men over the age of 46 with a little salt and pepper at the temples, some play money to throw around and a smug knowing smile that says “I do sex good”.[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]
Georgina Mont-Blanc: Bring out the daddies.
Kate McKinnon: And we’re off. [Golf daddy and his assistant start jogging around Georgina Mont-Blanc] Here comes the winner of the sporting group, West Palm Golf Daddy.[Cut to Golf Daddy and his assistant]
Jerry: Golf Daddy is a consultant who loves hanging out with buddies at the 19th hole, which I’m told is slang for bar.[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s a funny daddy. He went through a divorce last year which is typical of the breed, lot of weekends away from home.[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant]
Jerry: Looks like the judge is [Georgina Mont-Blanc starts to put her hands on Golf Daddy’s teeth and look at his veneers] looking at his new veneers. Yes, it’s cute little joke about them is at least my ex can’t take these.
Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s cute. I like that. Nice showing from Golf Daddy. [Golf daddy and his assistant leave] Okay.[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Jerry: Oh, now, here comes my personal favorite. Winner of the teach me, Daddy group. It’s Berkeley Tweedy Daddy.[Cut to Kenan and Tweedy Daddy walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc]
Kate McKinnon: Oh, yes. The Tweedy Daddy ought to have a long, elegant gape and this one does in spades.[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Jerry: Notable traits, the breed are biking to work and being absolutely awful to waiters.[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]
Georgina Mont-Blanc: Go ahead and bring him here.
Kenan: [Kenan talks to Tweedy Daddy like a dog] Yes. Tweedy Daddy, come here. And Tweedy Daddy right here. [Tweedy Daddy doesn’t listen to Kenan] Tweedy Daddy up on here. Tweedy Daddy right there. Tweedy Daddy right there. Here come Tweedy Daddy here. Get up Tweedy Daddy on here.
Tweedy Daddy: Maybe if you present the argument, better I respect it.[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]
Jerry: Another trait of the breed, being an obstructionist a-hole.[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]
Georgina Mont-Blanc: Please, bring him here.[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]
Tweedy Daddy: Please, debate me, coward.
Georgina Mont-Blanc: That’s a DQ.
Kate McKinnon: Tweedy Daddy disqualified. Georgina is not taking any of that.[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Jerry: She never does, wink wink.
Kate McKinnon: Stop. Here’s the next competitor, always a crowd favorite.[Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc.]
Jerry: From the working too much group, Wall Street Business Daddy.[Business Daddy is busy on his phone]
Business Daddy: I don’t know when I’ll be there [Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant] but I played for V.I.P. parking so it shouldn’t Jerryer, period.[Cut to Business Daddy, his assistant and Georgina Mont-Blanc.]
Jerry: Business Daddies are obsessed with efficiency. They love using the text-to-speech feature to text their fiances.
Kate McKinnon: Okay, judge is manipulating the Billfold. [Georgina Mont-Blanc takes Business Daddy’s wallet out and feels it]
Jerry: Yeah, what she’s looking for here is feeling for the give of cash and the firmness of a very heavy credit card.[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Kate McKinnon: Yeah, I got to say, this daddy could get it.
Jerry: It’s not just about can this daddy get it, it’s about this daddy a champion?
Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Because all of these daddies could get it. Obviously they can get it because if they couldn’t get it, they wouldn’t be here.
Jerry: So true. Okay.[Cut to the stage, Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant, and Business daddy and his assistant]
Georgina Mont-Blanc: Can I see the Business Daddy, the Golf Daddy, and the announcer.[Cut to Kate and Jerry]
Jerry: Wait, what? I don’t even have a handler!
Kate McKinnon: You heard her, get down there! [Jerry goes] Oh, very exciting turn of events, folks. Jerry is the Pedigree Broadcast Daddy! [Cut to Jerry is running around the stage like the other daddies did before] Makes a little awkward sex joke, looks great holding a mic. He could take this. [Georgina Mont-Blanc tells other daddies to run with Jerry around the stage] Okay, go around. Wow. Okay, this might be how she wants them.
Georgina Mont-Blanc: Okay. Third Golf Daddy, Second Business Daddy, first, Broadcast Daddy!
Kate McKinnon: Wow! What a coup! Jerry takes best in show!
Jerry: Best daddy! I did it![Cut to Kate]
Kate McKinnon: What an exciting daddy show. Thank you for joining us. I don’t have a name. Goodnight.[Ends with Outro]