Veronica Elders… Jessica Chastain
Cecily Strong[Starts with show’s intro]
Male voice: And now, it’s time to play “What Even Matters Anymore.” With your host, Veronica Elders[Host walks in to the stage]
Host: Hello, folks. Welcome to “What Even Matters Anymore.” The show where I tell you something our president did or said and you have to tell me does it even matter anymore.[Cut to the contestants
Contestants: Hi.[Cut to the host]
Host: Great. First question. The president of the United States refers to African countries as Poo-poo holes. And says all Hasians have AIDS. Does it even matter anymore?
Kate: Um, that’s really bad. That has to matter. Yes.[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to the host]
Host: Umm, actually, it does not matter. Zero consequences and everyone just moves on. Next, the president has an extra marital affair with a pornstar right after his wife gives birth to his son. Then he pays the pornstar to shut up. Does it even matter to say he’s evangélico base?[buzzer sound] [Cut to the Male Contestant]
Male Contestant: Um, to evangélicos, of course it matters. It’s against everything that they stand for.[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to the host]
Host: You think so, but no. They say he’s just repented and they forgive him. And Mike Pence is like, “That’s my dude.” Next, the president fires Robert Mueller, the very man investigating him for treason. Does it even matter?[Cut to 4]
4: What? He hasn’t done that yet.[Cut to the host]
Host: Yeah, but you know, he’s gonna. So, when he does, will it even matter?
4: I’m gonna say yes, that would matter. That’s a clear line that he’d be crossing.[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to the host]
Host: Ooh! So, close. You were right that it would cross a line. But you were wrong to think that it would matter in the least. Republicans will just shake and mumble something about Hillary’s emails.[Cut to 4]
4: Yeah. But they have a conscience.[Cut to the host]
Host: Judges, do they have a conscience?[wrong answer buzzer]
Sorry, we checked and they don’t.[Cut to the Male Contestant]
Male Contestant: I’m sorry. Is this still part of the game?
Host: It doesn’t even matter anymore.[Cut to the contestants]
4: Are there like, points?[Cut to the host]
Host: Next question. The president builds a wall but hires illegal immigrants to build it and he accidentally puts an unlocked door every 10 feet. Would that matter?[Cut to the Male Contestant]
Male Contestant: Okay, I’m sensing a pattern here. So, I’m just gonna say it would not matter.[right answer bell] [Cut to the host. She looks shocked.]
Host: You’re absolutely right, Greg.
Male Contestant: It’s Bernard.[Cut to the host]
Host: You think Trump supporters would get mad. But then Trump blurs out, “Chuck Schumer did it,” and everyone believes him. They just believe him.[Cut to Kate]
Kate: But you know that’s not gonna happen, right?[Cut to the host]
Host: [yelling frustrated] Does it even matter anymore? Fake news. Fake news.[Cut to 4]
4: Are you okay?
Host: I’m great. Okay. You know what? On our final round, you guys just write down what you think would matter. What do you think would actually lead to any kind of consequences? 10 seconds on the clock. And while you’re writing, I’m just gonna drink.[Host starts drinking wine off the bottle.]
Alright, what do you guys got?[Cut to 4]
4: I wrote, “Trump punches pope.” I think that would be like really bad.[Cut to the host]
Host: Argh. You think so? But a lot of people still hate Catholics. Next?[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Okay, I wrote, “Cancels Olympics because flags are gay.”
Host: Ha-ha-ha. Are you kidding me? He’s his ratings will jump five points. Next.[Cut to the Male Contestant]
Male Contestant: Um, I wrote, “Sex tape with Don Jr.” I mean, that would check like, a lot of boxes.[Cut to the host]
Host: You think so? But FOX News would just report it as “He’s a family man.” Because nothing truly matters. None of it matters.[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Jessica?[Cut to the host, very frustrated.]
Host: It’s Veronica. Veronica Elders.[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Jessica, you don’t have to do this.[Cut to the contestants]
4: Yeah. Jessica, we know you’re upset about the way our country’s going but you can’t just like, build a whole game show set and make us pretend to be contestants.
Male Contestant: Even though some of us relish the opportunity to become Bernard.[Cut to the host]
Host: I’m sorry, guys. It just seems like, nothing matters anymore.[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Yeah, we got that from the name of the show and how you keep saying it over and over. But, it’s gonna be okay, Jessica.[Cut to 4]
4: Yeah. There’s another election in 2018 and democrats have a chance of taking back– oh my god! You’re right. You know what? It doesn’t matter. [Cut to all. 4 is walking away looking frustrated] How does it not matter?
Male Contestant: Ay! At least the stock market is up.
Kate: [yelling] Out! Kenan, you go! Now!
Male Contestant: Alright, well, Kenan will leave, but Bernard will stay.[Cut to the host]
Host: Well, thanks for watching. As always, the host of tonight’s show gets a hug. Because she really needs it.[Cut to Kate and Male Contestant]
Kate: Are we supposed to hug you now? Or–?
Host: Yes.[Kate and Male Contestant walk to the host and hug her.]
Male voice: Thanks for watching “What Even Matters Anymore?” Contestants on the show stay at… oh, oh! Trump Tower. That’s not good. And tonight’s show is sponsored by, “Little Ball.” When you can’t take the news anymore, just crawl up into a little ball and rock yourself to sleep. Goodnight!