Val Kilmer’s Monologue


Val Kilmer’s Monologue

…..Val Kilmer
Clarence…..Darrell Hammond
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Molly Shannon
…..Chris Parnell
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Kattan


Val Kilmer: Straight up, I want to thank all the cast and writers of “Saturday Night Live”, relaly, really brilliant.

I was actually asked to host a couple of times, but I.. chickened out. Even backstage, I was just thinking, “God, I would just like to be out in the house, or home, watching on TV..

[ Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life” appears ]

Clarence: Well, now you’ve got your wish.

Val Kilmer: Oh, no.. who are you?

Clarence: I’m Clarence, the angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life”.

Val Kilmer: But I didn’t wish I was never born..

Clarence: I know. You wished you had never hosted “Saturday Night Live”. Come with me, won’t you, young man. I’m going to show you what would have happened if you hadn’t hosted the show. [ they walk over to the night’s first stage, The Great Frog Society, where Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon and Molly Shannon sit disapoointed in their Keith Moon, Buddy Holly and Janis Joplin costumes, respectively ] Take a look at this.

Val Kilmer: Oh, they’re sad..

Clarence: They don’t look very happy, do they, Val?

Val Kilmer: Gosh.. they were all so funny in the sketch..

Clarence: Oh, yes.

Val Kilmer: Why are they so down?

Clarence: Well, the sketch about The Doors never made it to air, because you weren’t there to hot the show! [ walks over to the next stage, Chris Parnell leaning against an airplane cockpit set ] And, look, over here. Poor Chris Parnell, he was hilarious in this “Top Gun” sketch during rehearsals, and he would have been even funnier on air when Mr. Steven Spielberg was in the crowd.

Val Kilmer: Spielburg came?

Clarence: Uh, he came to see U.. 2! Uh.. he’s a big Bono fan. Anyway, he discovered Chris Parnell and put him in his next movie, and Chris Parnell became an international sensation!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. Parnell became a big movie star..

Chris Parnell: Is that so hard to believe, Val? [ shoves him ] Jackass!

Clarence: Oh, my..

Val Kilmer: You said that they couldn’t see or hear me..?

Clarence: I never said that! Come over here! [ walks over to Tracy Morgan standing silently alone ] Poor Tracy Morgan.

Val Kilmer: Tracy really looks sad.. Because I didn’t host the show, he wasn’t in it?

Clarence: No.. he wasn’t in the show, anyway. He’s sad because he usually sells weed to the audience and picks up an extra $500. But, see, since there was no show, you know the rest.. [ walks past Chris Kattan dressed as Mango ] Oh, no, here’s the saddest of all.

Val Kilmer: Kattan lookd horrible. Is he that shaken Mango wasn’t gonna be on the show?

Clarence: Well, it was cut at dress, but he’s so upset about it, later tonight he takes his own life.

Val Kilmer: What? Oh, my God..

Clarence: Yes.. No! I’m yanking your chain! But, this one does cry a great deal and wears the costume for days.

Val Kilmer: To the after-show party?

Clarence: No! There is no after-show party, young man. There’s no show, no party, nothing – because you didn’t host!

Val Kilmer: Well.. what happens to me, Clarence.. how does my life change?

Clarence: Oh, I don’t think you want to know that..

Val Kilmer: No, Ido, Clarence! Tell me what happens!

Clarence: Well.. you stay at home, watching TV.. drink a few beers.. order a pizza from Domino’s.. and you eat it and fall asleep, like most people your age! That’s it!

Val Kilmer: Wow.. I do want to host the show!

Clarence: Well, get up there, young man!

[ Val runs back to Home Base ]

Val Kilmer: I feel better already! Well, we do have a great show! [ hears some bells ] Oh, is that Clarence getting his wings?

Darrell Hammond: [ removing his Clarence wig offstage ] No, that means I’m getting ready for the next sketch.

Val Kilmer: Oh, alright. Okay, then, U2 is actually on this show, then? Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Singles Cruise


Singles Cruise

Cruise Director…..Katie Holmes
Conner…..Chris Parnell
Lalani…..Maya Rudolph


[ open on a Singles Cruise ship as it departs – two passengers remain seated at the bar as the other passengers are leaving ]

Cruise Director: [ over loudspeaker next to the bar ] On behalf of the Crew of Krisma 2, we hope you had a wonderful time on this very special Mingle & Singles Cruise. Unfortunately, we do require that all passengers leave the bar at this time. [ walks away ]

Conner: [ sighs ] Looks like they’re casting us off the ship.

Lalani: Ya. Ya. I guess we’ve been voted off, huh? Well I certainly enjoyed the cruise.

Conner: Well, here’s to coming as singles and leaving as singles.

Lalani: Well, cheers to that. I’m Lalani, hi.

Conner: I’m Conner.

Lalani: Hi there. So, do you wear the hat all the time?

Conner: Uh, pretty much. Except when I sleep and when I shower.

Lalani: Ah. Is that right? Yeah, I remember seeing you at the disco.

Conner: Uh, yeah, I was there every night.

Lalani: Yeah! Yeah, you looked like you really love to dance.

Conner: Oh, it’s my steam-release valve. If I don’t dance, I got really violent. Do you like to dance?

Lalani: You know, I really do not.

Conner: Alright, that’s too bad.

Cruise Director: [ returns to make second announcement ] For those of who are still finishing your drinks on the outer deck, we’d like to once again ask you to take your belongings and disbark. From the crew of Krisma 2, we’d like to ask you to leave.

Conner: Uh, you don’t have to wait for us..

Cruise Director: Legally, we have to wait for every passenger to clear before we can leave. Giving you a heads-up. Have a nice one. [ exits ]

Lalani: Hey, where are you from? Do I detect a German accent?

Conner: I was born in Scotland.

Lalani: Wow! Isn’t that wonderful? Yeah, I’m part Scottish. But I guess you can tell with all of this red hair.

Conner: Redheads give me the creeps.

Lalani: I can see that. Sure, not for everybody.

Cruise Director: [ returns to make third announcement ] For the two people who are still on the boat, it is time for you to disbark! The crew is given only 45 minutes of shore leave, and some of us need to go home to take a home pregnancy test. [ exits ]

Lalani: Wow! It sounds like someone had a fun cruise, huh? [ laughs ] So, do you live in the area?

Conner: Oh, I live in Reno. How about you?

Lalani: Oh, I live in Boca Raton. Yeah. Boy, we do not live anywhere near each other, do we?

Conner: Looks that way! [ laughs ] And I will not fly, even if you paid me.

Lalani: Yeah. So, did you enjoy the cruise?

Conner: Ah, you know now, not too much. Most of my buddies were drowning in Tang all week, and, uh.. I kind of dreamed about meeting someone – you know, that juggy blonde who likes to get it on all night, you know?

Lalani: Yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend Leslie hooked up right away. She’s really fun.

Conner: I saw her! She’s beautiful!

Lalani: Yeah, she’s a neat girl.

Conner: Ohh.. she’s like a dream girl! I’d love to get my tongue down her throat!

Lalani: Sure.. sure.. absolutely.. why not?

Conner: So, what do you do?

Lalani: Oh, I run an animal rescue group called Sentient Creatures of Boca – it’s S.C.O.B., for short. And what do you do?

Conner: I’m a furrier.

Lalani: Well.. what are the odds of that? That is wild!

Cruise Director: [ returns to make fourth announcement ] Attention, all redheaded women and Scottish cowboys: if you do not exit this boat within the next three minutes, you will be removed by ship security! Thanks a lot! The cruise is now over, and we’re not obliged to be nice any more! Go away! [ exits ]

Lalani: You know there was, there was just one other thing I was gonna ask you, what was it? Oh, yeah – did you have the seafood buffet last night?

Conner: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did! I was sick all night!

Lalani: Me, too! I was sick all night, too. I am still shaking!

Conner: Hey! [ moves one seat closer ] Did you have it coming out of both ends?

Lalani: Yes! Yeah! It was, like, “Which way do I sit?”

Conner: Yeah, right! I know! Well, I finally solved that by setting a wastebasket on the floor in front of the crapper!

Lalani: So did I! Oh, my goodness! This is funny!

Conner: You know.. I’ll bet we were on the toilet at the same time!

Lalani: Yeah! I bet we were! On the.. toilet..

[ they lean closer and kiss one another passionately ]

Cruise Director: [ leans in from behind the bar ] Goodbye! Goodbye! Get a room, not on the boat! Krisma 2 is not interested in playing! [ grabs a beverage nozzle ] Don’t make me use this!

[ Conner and Lalani finally agree to leave ]

Lalani: Uh.. my Miata is in the lot, so..

Conner: I guess this is.. goodbye..

Lalani: Oh.. yeah. Okay. And.. goodbye..

Conner: I mean, uh.. unless you want to have sex?

Lalani: Yeah.. you know, I’m not so sure about that.

Conner: I do.

Lalani: Okay. Then, let’s go!

Conner: Uh, alright. Uh.. I’m not circumsized.

Lalani: Uh, yeah.. of course you’re not..

[ they walk off together ]

SNL Transcripts