Behind The Music: Rock And Roll Heaven


Behind The Music: Rock And Roll Heaven

Jim Morrison…..Val Kilmer
Jesus…..Will Ferrell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Rachel Dratch
Jimi Hendrix…..Jimmy Minor
Janis Joplin…..Molly Shannon
Buddy Holly…..Jimmy Fallon
Louis Armostrong…..Tracy Morgan
Keith Moon…..Horatio Sanz
Amelia Earhart…..Ana Gasteyer


Announcer: There’s an old saying in music, and it goes like this: “If there’s a rock and roll heaven, you know they’ve gotta have a hell of a band.” Well, tonight, we’ll explore this phenomenon, as we go up through the clouds, onto the stages, and behind the music of Rock and Roll Heaven.

Heaven. And every day, thousands of young hopefuls arrive by bus accidents, or other means, all vying for one thing – to make it big. But for the recently dead Jim Morrison, Heaven was proving to be anything but.

Jim Morrison: When I first got here, I was, like, “Whoa, it’s like ‘Candid Camera’, man. I thought for sure I was going to Hell – one of God’s little tricks. Anyway, I was thinking about some sort of revenge, so I decided to start a supergroup.

Narrator: And Morrison chose his super group wisely. On leads guitar, Jimi Hendrix; harmony vocals, Janis Joplin; on drums, the legendary Keith Moon; Morrison recruited the great Buddy Holly on rhythm guitar; and, finally, a Wild Card – Louis Armstrong on trumpet. They were to be the greatest band of all time, and they called themselves The Great Frog Society.

[ show “Exclusive Rehearsal Footage” of The Great Frog Society ]Jim Morrison: [ singing ]“And now, I’ve broke on through
Well, I’ve still got a question for you:
Now we’re on the other side
What do we do, now that we’ve died?
Not this side, the other side
Not this side, the adjacent side
Yeah!”

[ Louis Armstrong steps forward for his trumpet solo ]

Narrator: Luckily for the band, in the audience, at one of their earlier performances, was record producer, and Son of God, Jesus.

Jesus: When I first heard The Great Frog Society, I was, like, “Oh.. my.. Dad!” I signed them immediately!

Narrator: Their first release, “Mourn The Great Frog Society”, was an immediate success. And, from the start, the band was the talk of Heaven.

Fan #1: The Great Frog Society is the best band ever!

Fan #2: Oh, my God! They’re the best! The best ever!

Narrator: But offstage things were falling apart..

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “But offstage things were falling apart,” is a registered trademark of VH1 and “Behind the Music.”

[ show beginning downfall of the band ]

Narrator: The immense success of the band led to in-fighting, and a clash of egos.

Jimi Hendrix: I gotta tell you, man.. your vibes are really bumming me out.

Jim Morrison: No, man. I’m The Great Frog Society guy, man. I can do anything.

Jimi Hendrix: Now, see? That’s what I’m talking about, man!

Janis Joplin: Man, we’re here for the music, you know?

Buddy Holly: Well, I’ll tell you this much.. if this doesn’t get any better, than I qui-i-i-it!

Louis Armstrong: Hey, everybody? Why all the fussing and fighting? Every time I get mad, I just sing a song! Wop-bop-a-lu-bop..!

Keith Moon: [ bangs drums ] That’s it! I quit! [ runs out of studio ]

Narrator: Adding to the mounting pressure was the band’s increasing frustration with Morrison’s new girlfriend, famed aviatrix, Amelia Earheart.

Jim Morrison: Hey, guys. This is my gal, Amelia. Sing your song – she wrote it, it’s great. Listen.

[ other band members groan ]

Amelia Earhart: [ singing ]“Hey, Guy, don’t you know you have my heart?
Lucky guy, you’re my forever guy
Okay guy!”

Louis Armstrong: That’s awful.

Janis Joplin: I’m outta here.

Louis Armstrong: That’s awful!

[ they all leave in disgust ]

Narrator: But the worst news was yet to come, when, on January 28th, 1982, Jim Morrison received a phone call informing him that his bandmate and longtime friend Buddy Holly had been reincarnated as a sheep.

Jim Morrison: When we lost Buddy, man, I just.. is it recording? No music, man.. No Doors.. [ close-up ] I think I’m having a nervous breakdown..

Narrator: Dubbed “The Day The Music Was Reincarnated”, it proved to be a death knell for the band. It was the end of The Great Frog Society. And, for the next few years, the band members went their separate ways. Jim Morrison was reincarnated as this little girl; Jimi Hendrix became a businessman; Janis Joplin came back as a sumo wrestler; and Louis Armstrong became a tree stump. But The Great Frog Society are nothing, if not survivors. And we end tonight’s “Behind The Music” with exclusive footage of the surviving members’ reunion, as they perform The Doors’ classic “The End”. For The Great Frog Society, it’s most definitely the beginning.

[ as credits roll, show Little Girl and other reincarnated band members singing “The End” ]

Little Girl: “This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother.. I want to.. auggghhhh!!!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Centaur Job Interview


Centaur Job Interview

Boss…..Christopher Walken
Applicant…..Chris Kattan
Centaur…..Chris Parnell


[ open at the end of a job interview at Mercy General Hospital ]

Boss: I’m sorry, Dr. Wallace.. but I’m afraid we’re looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our Chief Resident position.

Applicant: I understand. So, did I get the job?

Boss: No. you didn’t.

Applicant: [ relieved ] Thank you! You won’t regret this! I’ll see you Monday morning!

Boss: You didn’t get the job. [ Applicant exits, as he speaks into his intercom ] Debbie.. please send in the next applicant.

[ Centaur enters ]

You must be Dr. Lemmon. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. You’ve come highly recommended.

Centaur: Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won’t hold that against me.

Boss: [ laughs ] Well.. as you know, we’re becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. [ he does, but the Centaur remains standing ] Our new Chief Resident will help lead that transition.

Centaur: Uh, well.. at Johns-Hopkins, I actually shared the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital.

Boss: As I said, your qualifications are most impressive.

Centaur: Thank you.

Boss: Now.. would you mind if I asked you a few questions about being a Centaur?

Centaur: Please. Go ahead. Believe me, I’ve heard them all?

Boss: Can I ride you?

Centaur: [ chuckles ] Only if I can ride you!

Boss: [ chuckles back ] Fair enough. Moving on.. could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby?

Centaur: Hmm.. I don’t know..

Boss: If you did.. would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey?

Centaur: I.. I see what you’re saying.. but, again, I don’t know.

Boss: Because, it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you.

Centaur: Right.. uh, are we going to discuss my medical qualifications..?

Boss: The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions. Do you have sex with horses, or with human women?

Centaur: Uh.. neither. I’m really only attracted to other Centaurs.

Boss: Okay. What if were a horse with a mask of a woman on it?

Centaur: No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on?

Boss: This interview is not about me. What if you saw a horse, but it was standing so that its head was in a barn, or something. Would you, maybe, be attracted to that horse’s rear end?

Centaur: Uh.. I don’t.. where is the head, exactly?

Boss: It’s in the barn.. or behind a door, or a vase, or something.. so you can’t see it.

Centaur: Uh.. I might be attracted to it – briefly.

Boss: Okay. So, let’s say, hypothetically, that you could have sex with the back end.. and it’s guranteed to be the greatest sex you ever had.. but you’d never know if it was as horse or as Centaur?

Centaur: Hmm.. you know, that’s pretty intriguing.. uh.. if I’d really never know, I guess I would.

Boss: It was a horse.

Centaur: Oh, come on!

Boss: It was a horse. Deal with it. Now.. could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder?

Centaur: Yes.

Boss: Do you dump wherever you’re standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

Boss: I’ve seen that establishment. You eat steak.. is that some kind of cannibalism?

Centaur: I’m sorry, could we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications?

Boss: Absolutely. Let me just find the right paperwork.. [ looks through his notes ] Um.. here we go.. Is there Centaur pornography?

Centaur: That is not a medical question!

Boss: Do you want this job?

Centaur: [ sighs ] Yes, there is Centaur porn.

Boss: If I were to watch Centaur porn.. but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard.. would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing?

Centaur: Well.. maybe.. But you’ve got to remember that, at some point, there’s gonna be a horse penis in there.

Boss: Fair enough. I think that’s all the Centaur questions I have. I want to thank you for coming in, we’ll be in touch.

Centaur: I appreciate it. Um.. can I just ask you: did I get the job?

Boss: No. I’m sorry.. we don’t hire dirty Centaurs.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts