Trees: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Chris Redd

…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Bro Sir…..Beck Bennett

Doctor…..Alex Moffat

[ Scene opens with a sign that says, ‘Help the Trees.’ The camera pans to Chris Redd and Pete Davidson standing with two other men; they are dressed like Hip Hop performers. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey excuse me, Mr. Bro Sir.

[ Mr. Bro Sir approaches the men on the street. ] You have time to talk about the environment?


CHRIS REDD: Climate change!

Mr. Bro Sir: Oh, no.

[ Chris takes off his sunglasses. ]

CHRIS REDD: What you mean ‘no’?

Mr. Bro Sir: I just don’t believe in that garbage.

CHRIS REDD: Yo, bag this fool, man. Get the car. [ One of the other men with Chris and Pete put a black bag over Mr. Bro Sir’s head. Yeah, let’s get him in the car. [ The men push Mr. Bro Sir into their car.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete’s music video with the tite: “Trees” on the screen. Chris and Pete aren’t wearing shirts and their bouncing around while rapping. They are in a forest setting dancing around large Oak trees. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees. Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees.

Chris: Make that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree. Ay. Ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen. Breathe!

Pete: Y’all know me. Puffin’ that OG. Young VIPs. Can’t get a job, cause I smoke too much weed. But you’re full of THC okay.

[ Chris stops the video to interrupt Pete’s flow. They are standing in front of a large tree. ]

CHRIS REDD: Okay, hey, hey, yeah. Pete, you talking about the wrong trees, fam.


CHRIS REDD: Yeah, uh. We talking about, like, environmental trees. Like, the planet.

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh. Okay, cool.

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, focus on words towards that.


CHRIS REDD: You know what I’m saying. Yeah. So, whenever you want to do that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, give me a second.

CHRIS REDD: Alright.

PETE DAVIDSON: I worked really hard on the other verse.

CHRIS REDD: Create, my dude.

PETE DAVIDSON: I thought this was a weed song.


PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you so dressed up anyway? We’re playing ourselves.

CHRIS REDD: I like character work.

PETE DAVIDSON: Okay, how about something like, uh…I put my green thumb in a brown hole.

CHRIS REDD: Oh alright, I don’t know which hole, but I like..

PETE DAVIDSON: Something, something about clean coal.

[ The musics tarts again and they continue to rap. ]

Chris: Let’s go!

[ Cut to a poker game in a shed. Multiple photos of Al Gore are shown. ]

Pete: Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Almost President, Al Gore. Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Should’ve been President Al Gore. [ Cut to Pete and Chris standing in front of a tree with Al Gore’s face carved in it. ] Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gorrrrre. Now is not a word anymore.

Chris: Yeah, my ni-[ bleep]-ga Pete.

Pete: Oh yeah and I love the Trees.

[ Cut back to Chris and Pete dancing around trees. This time there is also a man in a tree costume dancing with them. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be lovin these trees. Lovin these trees. Trees. Bitch I was born in a tree, right under a tree.

Chris: Plant them in a hole. Water them. Wait for a minute. Wait a couple days and water them again. Go to sleep, wake up. Mmmm, nothing! God damn, trees take a long time. Water them, read a magazine, and I still got nothing. Do I got bad dirt? Huh? I don’t know! Somebody tell me.

[ Music stops. Cut to Chris and Pete dragging Mr. Bro Sir into a Dr.’s office. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey, yo, tree doctor! Tell this man, climate change is real.

[ Chris throws Mr. Bro Sir to the ground in front of an approaching doctor. Mr. Bro Sir makes a grunting noise. ]


Doctor: Guys, again, I am a medical doctor.

CHRIS REDD: Good for you.

Doctor: You can’t keep kidnapping people and bringing them here while I’m trying to save lives.

[ Chris pulls out a stack of fliers and hands them to the doctor. ]

CHRIS REDD: Yo, what you need to be doing, is saving these trees, homie. Alright, you can take all of them.

PETE DAVIDSON: Spread that word, yo.

Doctor: So many fliers. Look fellas, I get it and I agree. But this is the trauma center.


Doctor: So you’re saying all this in the wrong place.

PETE DAVIDSON: So, y’all don’t have any trees.

Doctor: Not to mention, that the changes that we need to make include a lot more than trees.

CHRIS REDD: Oh damn.

Doctor: It’s increasing electric car use.



Doctor: Buying locally sourced foods.


CHRIS REDD: Everyday.

Doctor: Taking planes less, and trains and cars, more.

PETE DAVIDSON: Like John Candy.

CHRIS REDD: Uncle Buck.

Doctor: And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

CHRIS REDD: Word, word, word, word, just the tip. Got it. Yeah, but you can agree that more trees isn’t a bad thing. Right?




CHRIS REDD: Right tho?

Doctor: [ Sighs. ]



Doctor: I mean, shore.

Chris & Pete: Dope!

[ Cut back to the music video, “Trees”. Chris and Pete are rapping in the hallway fo the doctor’s office and club lights turn on. The doctors are freak dancing on the other side of the hallway. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees! Yo, you know we be lovin’ our trees. Lovin’ our trees. Trees! Trees with the branches and leaves. Branches and leaves. [ Pete pops a champagne bottle and sprays the champagne in the hallway with Chris and the doctors dancing behind him. ] MAke that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete dancing with a large tree bending side to side between them. ]

Chris: Ay, ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen, breathe.

Pete: Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete holding their hands around a flower that is blooming. The sunflower blooms to reveal an image of Al Gore giving a thumbs up in the center of it. ]

Chris & Pete: You all need trees. Trees.

Kanye West Donald Trump Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Pres. Trump…..Alec Baldwin

Kanye West…..Chris Redd

Jim Brown…..Kenan Thompson

Press member…..Pete Davidson

[ Opens with the C-Span title image. ]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, it’s interns gone wild. But first full coverage of the Oval Office meeting between President Trump, rapper Kanye West, and football legend Jim Brown. Among the issues discussed were prison reform, education, alternate universes, Superman, and flying cars. We go now to President Trump in the Oval Office.

[ Cut to the Oval Office. Trump is sitting at his desk with Kanye West and Jim Brown. There is a group of photographers taking their photos and a member of the press asking questions. ]

Trump: Hello. Thank you all for joining us today for this important discussion. It is no way a publicity stunt. This is a serious private conversation between three friends plus 50 reporters with cameras. I’m proud to welcome Kanye West Yeezus Yandhi Yaddam Yussein. An amazing guy. Thank you for coming Kanye.

Kanye: Yeah, that’s right. I flew here using the power of this hat. [ He is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Trump: That’s terrific. We also got Hall of Fame running back and Civil Rights activist, Jim Brown. Not many people know he was a great lacrosse player. How are you feeling, Jim?

Jim: Already pretty nervous.

Trump: These two are great dear friends of mine. A couple of real Chicago types, if you know what I mean. And Kanye, I want to thank you for giving me, thank you for giving me a pair of your sneakers. [ He pulls out a pair of white sneakers. ] They’re perfect for me because they’re white, they’re wide, and they’re never going to be worth as much as you say they are. Now we got an amazing lunch to get to, but first I’m sure that Kanye wants to make one or two brief lucid remarks. Kanye.

Kanye: First, let me being with the idea that time is a myth of infinite amounts of universe. And I’m a prisoner in another dimension. Have I lost anyone so far? [ Everyone on stage raises their hand. ] Okay, so I’m gonna talk about trapped doors. Like the 13th amendment is a trap door. And if you’re installing a floor, aka the Constitution, why would you build a trap door? Why would you build a trap door when you can end up with the unabomber?

[ Trump pouts his lips and nods as his voiceover explains his thoughts. ]

Trump voiceover: Oh, this guy might be cuckoo. I’ve been in the room with Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, and they made a lot more sense than him.

Kanye: And then if you in Chicago, some people call it shy-raq. But the murder rate is going down, 20% every year. And pretty soon it’s going to be a negative murder rate. We’re gonna be digging bodies out of the ground.

Trump voiceover: That was freakin’ dumb. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t listen to anyone but himself. Who does he remind me of?

Kanye: And I don’t want to brag, bro. I don’t wanna brag. But I really have a high IQ; I’m a stable genius. I got a big brain, and I got the best words.

Trump voiceover: Oh my god, he’s black me! I feel like I’ve been visited by the Christmas black. Quick, look at Jim Brown instead. [ He looks at Jim Brown. Jim statres on quietly thinking. ]

Jim voiceover: Oh my lord, what have I gotten myself into? I played football with a leather helmet, and my brain’s still working better than his.

Kanye: And when I put this hat on, this hat is like Superman’s hat.

Jim voiceover: Superman didn’t have a hat, you idiot.

Kanye: See the 13th amendment. You gotta abolish it. It should jump from 12 to 14 like skyscraper elevators. Huh?

Jim voiceover: Can someone be tri-polar?

Kanye: And another thing to think about is that actually, Hillary Clinton is not a man.

Trump voiceover: Wow, that was a curveball. You know this could be good for me. This guy makes Brett Kavanaugh look calm and collected. Wait, no, it can’t be that good. Every reported from CNN is way too happy. [ Camera pans over to the press guy smiling really happily. ]

Kanye: Now, I wanna show y’all a picture of an airplane on my Iphone. [ He pulls out his Iphone. ] Let me put the passcode in, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, I’m a genius.

Trump voiceover: His password is six zeros? Well, at least now I feel a lot better about my password eight, zero, zero, eight, five, aka boobs. [ He mouths the word boobs along with his voiceover. ]

Kanye: Okay, okay. Here’s a picture of a new plane. [ He leans towards Trump showing him an image of Wonder Woman on his phone. ] I want this to be your new Air Force One.

Trump: Wow, very cool. Very cool, indeed. Where’s the plane.

Kanye: It’s invisible.

Trump: Oh that’s fantastic, okay. And, who is that?

Kanye: That’s Wonder Woman.

Trump: Okay, maybe we should order your lunch from a pharmacy. Oh, let’s remember the big lesson today, that black people love me. They love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin.

Jim voiceover: Is God testing me? Or is this like that show, ‘What Would You Do?’ I might have to tackle both of these fools.

Kanye: So in conclusion, 13th amendment, shy-raq, trap doors lead to the unabomber, male energy, Trump is my dad, Hillary is a woman, and the media needs to start making this President look good.

Trump voiceover: Poopity-scoop. Scoop-de-loop. Boop-de-scoop-de-poop. Poopity-scoop.

Kanye: Hey Jim, do you want to add anything?

Jim: Add? I got a couple of subtractions I’d like to suggest. The only thing I definitely want to point out is that mental health in the black community is an even bigger issue than I apparently thought. I mean I’ve been on coalitions with Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson, and this is the first time I’m having regrets.

Kanye: And now it’s time for me to hug my new dad. [ Kanye gets up and walks over to Trump and gives him a big hug. ] Come on in here, Dad. Bring it in.

Trump: Get in here blood.

[ Trump and Kanye continue to hug. ]

Trump voiceover: Don’t check to see if you’re wallet’s still there. Don’t check. [ Trump’s hand hesitates to leave Kanye’s back, but then he gives in and checks his pocket for his wallet. ]

Kanye: I want everyone to know, I love this man!

Trump: I love you, Kanye. We got a lot more in common than people know. We’re both geniuses, we’re both married to beautiful women, and we both definitely have been recorded saying the n-word.

Kanye & Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!!!