Month: November 2018

So You’re Willing to Date a Magician | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Leslie Jones

Tracy…..Awkwafina

Marconius Wilde…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

…..Mickey Day

…..Kyle Mooney

[Intro of So You’re Willing To Date a Magician]

Host: [Host and Tracy standing on the stage] Welcome back to ‘You’re Willing To Date a Magician”. We have four bachelor magicians hoping to cast a spell on our constant Tracy. Tracy, why do you want to date a musician?

Tracy: Well, I just got out of a two-year-old relationship with a DJ, so I’m not feeling that picky.

Host: Ah! Well, that’s fine. Now let’s meet our four single magicians.

Voiceover: [Cut to Marconius Wilde’s pictures on cool video effects] Marconius Wildd. There’s a slide of hand magician who divides his time between Las Vagas, Nevada and a parcel of land just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

[Cut to Marconius enters the stage from the door with a deck of cards]

Marconius: Tracy, tonight I’m a king [showing a card, King of hearts] and I’m hoping that you will be, Tracy check your pocket.

[Cut to Tracy and the host, Tracy checks the pocket and shows the card Queen of Hearts] [Tracy is not excited, but the host is very much excited]

Host: Oh my god, it’s a queen of hearts. You’re going to want to keep that.

Marconius: [Comes to Tracy and takes the card back and leaves] Yeah, I need that back. I appreciate it.

Host: All right then. Yes, next is Henry Van Dazzle.

Voiceover: [Cut to Henry Van Dazzle’s pictures on cool video effects] Henry calls himself an Artisan of Amazement on his LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Henry enters the stage from the door with his hands cuffed]

Henry: Charmed my lady. I always said no shackles could hold me [uncuffs himself as a trick] until I met you.

Host: [Cut to Tracy and host] Whoa, that’s impressive right?

Tracy: Yeah, it’s a cool party trick.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] If only one could be invited to a party.

[Cut to Tracy and host]

Host: Okay, next is Dante Raven.

Voiceover: [Cut to Dante Raven’s pictures on cool video effects] Dante is described as a body endurance artist and the prince of self-inflicted pain.

[Cut to Dante enters the stage from the door]

Hey Tracy. I’m the guy for you. I once snorted a billiard ball to impress Valderrama but enough about me, I better hold my tongue. [Literally holds his tongue and pierces it with a long dagger] [Cut to Tracy and the host disgusted]

Tracy: No, please. Not again.

Host: Why Dante, why? She don’t like that Dante. That’s not magic. That’s not magic.

Voiceover: [Cut to Justin Bird pictures on cool video effects] Finally we have Justin Bird from the Brother and Sister team, Byrds of Prey. Fans say their act violates the laws of time and space.

[Cut to Justin enters the stage from the door with his sister dancing]

Justin: HAHAHAHA. Indeed. And those are only some of the laws my sister, and I have violated.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: Yeah, he’s nice, but it’s weird his sister is always with him.

[Cut to Justin and his sister]

Justin: Don’t want my sister around? Well, I can easily make her disappear. Vanessa! Vanessa! Oh, I thought I lost you.

Host: Okay Tracy, you are asked to go on a date with each of our bachelor magicians. Let’s start with Marconius Wilde.  [Cut to Marconius staring at them] What did you do with him?

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: He said he’d already eaten so he too me to a bookstore where we browsed for three hours until he accidentally found a book he was mentioned in the thank yous.

[Cut to Marconius]

Marconius: It’s an intriguing title called “Houdini’s Mistress.” Check your pocket, Michelle.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Wow, he signed it. That’s so—

[Marconius comes to the host and takes the book back and leaves]

Marconius: Yeah I need that back.

Host: Really? All right then. Let’s go to Henry Van Dazzle. [Cut to Henry] HenryHow was your date with him?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] A little weird. He took me to this Burlesque show that they do a month in pickle factory in Brooklyn.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Oh, Burlesque, the thinking man’s erotica.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Yeah, I guess he thought that made it okay and fun fact, I saw his ID. He’s 55.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] That ID is merely an illusion I use to get senior discounts at Denny’s.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Okay dude. Let’s get over to Dante Raven. [Cut to Dante] How did that go?

Tracy: Dante said he was going to take me on a freaky [Cut to Tracy and the host] journey inside the mind. We actually went to a very modestly priced Italian restaurant. [Cut to Dante teasing Tracy]

Host: Nice.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Later when they brought the check, he asked if he could pay by running a sewing needle through his testicles and they said no.

Dante: [Cut to Dante] But I did it anyway for I’ve mastered my pain. [Hits his own head with a bottle and breaks it] [Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: No Dante. No. How about Justin Bird? [Cut to Justin and his sister] Where did he take you?

Tracy: Oh, we went to Chile’s [Cut to Tracy and the host] which would have been fine but his sister kind of stared at me the whole time. Kind of like that. [Cut to Justin’s sister staring at Tracy] [Cut to Tracy and the host, host is shocked] It also got awkward when our waiter came.

Host: Why is that?

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Because it was me. Waiting tables is my side hustle. My lady.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] It’s his main hustle.

Host: Okay Tracy, if you’re willing to go on a moonlit cruise with one of these guys, we’ll pay for it.  Who will it be? [Cut to Marconius acting weird] Marconius? [Camera moving to Henry, Dante and Justin, and his sister] Henry? Dante? Or Justin?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Oh man, it’s so hard to pick one. Would it be possible to pick nobody?

Host: Well that’s what happened last week. So let’s do it again. When we come back, we’ll tell you—[Dante comes close to Tracy in the cut] Why Dante, why? [Dante leaves] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Travis Scott: Skeletons/Astrothunder Medley (Live) | Season 44 Episode 2

Musical Guest…..Travis Scott

[Picture of Travis Scott]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina on the SNL stage] Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Scott.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [Travis Scott on the stage with his band on the right side and a girl on a rotating wooden horse on the left side] [Playing song Skeletons by Travis Scott]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh
Feels like slow motion,

we’re floating at the speed, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Louder, louder
Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, yeah, higher
It’s like standing in the ocean

We just rocked Coachella, I gave her half of the check
It was good sex, honorable mention to the neck
Didn’t pass the loud, that was out of respect
Afterwards, pass the towel, I was out of Kleenex
If you take your girl out, do you expect sex?
If she take her, do you expect checks?
First visit, I gave her a pearl necklace
Next visit, I’ma need your girl naked
Took a church visit, you know, ’cause the world hectic’

Like floating, if I can’t be in time
I don’t know, I don’t know

wash on me, wash on me, yeah
if I can’t be loved
I don’t know a sound
Standing in the ocean, standing in the ocean, Ooh
Bad memories like waves echoing

[Playing the song Astrothunder by Travis Scott]

Yeah,

Seem like the life I feel
Seem like the life I feel’s a little distant, yeah
Seems like the life I need
Seems like the life I need’s a little distant, yeah

Light the remedy, yeah
Sit back while I watch, repeat
Do it on repeat-repeat
Sins controllin’ me, yeah
Angels, halos over me
I can’t even give that D
You been out the streets, yeah
Wilin’ out on me and my Gs
We been rolling for a week
Now you wanna peak, yeah
Hands up, why they tryna reach?
I can’t even get that deep
Told you I don’t teach, yeah
Practice, oh, no, never preach
Practice, oh, no, never preach
Infiltrate the enemy, moving in on them randomly

Feels like the life I need’s a little distant, yeah, yeah
Feels like the life I need, yeah
Feels like the life I need’s a little distant, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah

[Cheers and applause]

 

Travis Scott: Sicko Mode (Live) | Season 44 Episode 2

Musical Guest……Travis Scott

[Picture of Travis Scott]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina on the SNL stage] Once again, Travis Scott.

[Cheers and applause] [Playing song Sicko Mode by Travis Scott]

 Astro, yeah
Sun is down, freezin’ cold
That’s how we already know, winter’s here
My dawg would probably do it for a Louis belt
That’s just all he know, he don’t know nothing else
I tried to show ’em, yeah
I tried to show ’em, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Goin’ on you with the pick and roll
Young La Flame, he in sicko mode

[Travis Scott appears on the stage on the booth with ‘ASTRO WORLD’ written on it]

Yeah, made this here with all the ice on in the booth
At the gate outside, when they pull up, they get me loose
Yeah, Jump Out boys, that’s Nike boys, hoppin’ out coupes
This way too big when we pull up give me the loot

(Gimme the loot!)

Was off the Remy, had a Papoose
Had to hit my old town to duck the news
Two four hour lock down, we made no moves
Now it’s 4 AM and I’m back up poppin’ with the crew
I just landed in, Chase B mix this pop like Jamba Juice
Different colored chains, think my jeweler really sellin’ fruits
And they chokin’, man, know the crackers wish it was a noose

Some—some—some, someone said

[Cut to stage decorated with colorful lights that says ‘ASTRO WORLD’]

To win the retreat, we all in too deep
Pl—pl—playin’ for keeps, don’t play us for weak (Someone said)
To win the retreat, we all in too deep
Pl—pl—playin’ for keeps, don’t play us for weak

[Cut to Travis Scott]

Yeah, way too formal, y’all know I don’t follow suit
Stacey Dash, most of these girls ain’t got a clue
All of these o’s I made off records I produced
I might take all my exes and put ’em all in a group
Hit my eses, I need the bootch
‘Bout to turn this function to Bonnaroo
Told her “Hop in, you comin’ too”
In the 305, bitches treat me like I’m Uncle Luke
(Don’t stop, pop that)
Had to slop the top off, it’s just a roof,
She said, “Where we goin’?” I said, “The moon”
We ain’t even make it to the room
She thought it was the ocean, it’s just the pool
Now I got her open, it’s just the Goose
Who put together? I’m the glue (Someone said)

Shorty FaceTimed me out the blue
Someone said
Pl—playin’ for keeps
Someone said, —someone said
Don’t play us for weak

[Cut to the DJ]

Yeah
Astro
Yeah, yeah
Tay Keith,

She’s in love with who I am [Cut to Travis Scott playing an instrument on the stage]
Back in high school, I used to bus it to the dance (yeah)
Now I hit the FBO with duffles in my hands
I did half a Xan, thirteen hours ’til I land
Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah
Like a light, ayy, yeah
Like a light, ayy

[Travis Scott takes the stage]

Yeah, passed the dawgs a celly
Sendin’ texts, ain’t sendin’ kites,
He said “keep that on lock”
I said “you know this, it’s life”, yeah
It’s absolute (yeah), I’m back reboot (it’s lit!)
LaFerrari to Jamba Juice, yeah
We back on the road, they jumpin’ off, no parachute
Shawty in the back
She said she workin’ on her glutes, (oh my God)
Ain’t by the book
This how it look
‘Bout a check
Just check the foots
Pass this to my daughter, I’ma show her what it
Baby mama cover Forbes, got these other shook

Yeah

[Travis Scott sits on the stage] [Cut to Travis Scott breathing heavy] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Travis Scott breathing heavy]

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Kanye West | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Guest…..Pete Davidson

[Colin Jost on the News table speaking]

Colin Jost: Last week Kanye West performed on the show and afterwards gave an unplanned speech to the audience in support of Donald Trump. Here with his reaction to Kanye Speech is Pete Davidson.

[Cheers and applause, Pete Davidson slides into the cut on a chair]

Pete Davidson: First off, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] a lot of people thought Che should be the one to talk about Kanye but we discussed it, you know. [Cut to Michael Che] Che is black, but I’m crazy [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] and we both know which side of Kanye is at the wheel right now. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So off to a good start. So speaking strictly for myself, what Kanye said after he went off the air last week was one of the worst, most awkward thing I’ve ever seen here. And I’ve seen Checy chase speak to an intern. And we all had to stand behind him and here’s what it looked like.

[Cut to Kanye West with his Trump ‘Make America Great Again’ red hat saying “That inspires me]

So I’m on the left, I’m like, “Oh God!” [Everything is darkened out but Pete Davidson trying to hide from the camera] And then I’m like, “I want a career”, [Cut to many people on stage and focusing on Pete Davison hiding and leaving the stage] so I leave. [Cut to Pete Davidson on the news table.] [Crowd Laughs]

No, not necessary.

So Kanye was wearing a MAGA hat (Make America Great Again). That’s what it’s called. It’s stupid. Yeah. And he started by saying people backstage tried to bully him into not wearing it. He wore it all week, like, nobody told him not to wear it. I wish I bullied you. I wish I would have suggested that you know, it might upset some people like your wife or every black person ever. You know? I wish someone bullied me into not wearing this hat. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson wearing a pink hat on the streets] [Crowd laughs] [Cut to Pete Davidson on the news table]

Can you imagine that that t-shirt was the second stupidest thing I was wearing that day?

[Cut the same picture of Pete Davidson wearing a pink hat, the t-shirt says “BATHING APE”] [Crowd laughs]

Then Kanye said that Democrats broke up black families with welfare and that slavery is not real. You know how wrong about politics you have to be for me to notice? You know how annoying that is? Kanye is a genius but a musical genius. You know, like Joey Chestnut is a hot dog eating genius. But I don’t want to hear Joey Chestnut’s opinion about things that aren’t hot dog related.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Yes, there you go. I agree.

Pete Davidson: Thank you.

[Cheers and applauses] [Cut to Pete Davidson] Thanks, guys. Like Kanye, I know you’re like, “Yo, this is the real me. I’m off the meds.” Take them! There’s no shame in the medicine game.  I’m on them. It’s great. Take them. There’s nothing wrong with taking them. If I ever got on the plane and the pilot said, “I just want all of you to know, this is the real me flying,” I’d jump out. Being mentally ill is not an excuse to act like a jackass, okay? I’m quoting my therapist, my mom, and my mailman. Sorry, Carl.

But no, seriously, one time I stopped taking my meds, and I bit my mom. No, it’s all good. I bought her a house.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] All right. So is there anything Kanye could do to win you back?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, there is, and I’ll tell you the way that Kanye understands. I made this. Make Kanye 2006 again. [Cut to Pete Davidson wears red hat that looks like Trump’s MAGA hat, but it said “Make Kanye 2006 Again”] We want the old Kanye.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone. Drop that album. Where’s that album?

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Where’s that album?

Awkwafina Monologue | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Awkwafina

[Starting the show on the stage with a band playing music]

Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, Awkwafina.

[Awkwwafina walks out onto the stage in front of the SNL band and waves to the audience]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina] Thank you. Thank you. I’m so stoked to be hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is Awkwafina. Thank you, guys.

Yeah, I was going to come out dressed like a water bottle, but apparently, someone did that last week. Just right out at the top, I want to say Hi to my grandma, “Hi Grandma,” who’s watching at home in Queens. She thinks the show is called “Comedy Central.” so she might definitely be watching  a rerun of “Tosh Point.O” right now. Grandma, but either way I love you and this one is for you.

It’s been a really cool year for me. I was in a movie called “Crazy Rich Asians.” [Crowd cheers and applauds for Awkwafina]

Yes, and if you don’t know me, I’m just your average Asian trumpet player turned rapper turned actress, very stereotypical. But people still make all these assumptions about me. Like for example, some of my friends are like, “Oh, your movie is out dude. You must be loaded”, which is not true. I am not a crazy rich Asian. I’m more like a ‘rebuilding my credit’ Asian. [Crowd laughs] I’m not buying private jets. I’m splashing out on economy plus with a light room. So it’s like an extra appetizer red lobster. You know? Like, I buy my underwear in packs of 12 at CVS. That’s me. Thank you. That was a- I love that underwear pack joke.

I’m actually from New York. I grew up in Queens. [Crowd cheers] Whoo! Queens. My dad still lives there. My dad! People assume my dad has an accent and he does. He sounds like Donald Trump because they’re both old guys from Queens. So whenever I go home, he’s like, “Sweetie, I love you so much. Never forget, your family is from China”. Very rattling. Thank you. [Crowd laughs]

Very unsettling. No, but before we start, I just want to say, and this is a true story, back in 2000 I came here to 30 rock and waited outside when my idol Lucy Liu hosted SNL. I was a kid. Yes. I was a kid, and I didn’t have a ticket, so I knew I wasn’t getting in. But I just wanted to be near the building. And I remember how important that episode was for me and how it totally changed what I thought was possible for an Asian-American woman. Standing here tonight is a dream I never thought would come true. So thank you, Lucy, for opening the door. I wasn’t able to make it in the building back then, but 18 years later I am hosting the show. [Crowd cheers and applauds for Awkwafina] So I love you, Lucy. I love you, Lucy Liu, be my friend. We got a great show, Travis Scott is here. Stick around; we’ll be right back.

Weekend Updates: Weekend Update: Senate Confirms Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court | Season 44 Episode 2

Anchor 1…..Colin Jost

Anchor 2…..Michael Che

[Intro video of Weekend Update playing]

Voiceover: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che sitting on the News Table]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Collin Jost.

[Cut to Collin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh’s picture on the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the supreme court with a vote of 50-48. 50 is the lowest number of votes. The lowest number of votes for a justice in history, but keep in mind it’s also the most yeses Kavanaugh has ever heard.

Listen, even if you look past Dr. Ford’s testimony which many people seem to have no trouble doing, Kavanaugh did a bunch of disqualifying just this past week. He basically lied under oath at a job interview to become a judge. That’s like cheating on your wife during your wedding. And then after he went full “Do you know who my father is?” at the confirmation hearing, he had to publish an apology letter in the Wall Street Journal [The picture in the top left corner changes to The Wall Street Journal article] which is something AA calls Step Nine. In that OP-ED, Kavanaugh vowed he would be a quote “Open Minded Judge.” I actually think he will be open-minded because you’ve got to be pretty open-minded to try a devil’s triangle. [The picture in the top left corner changes to White House with a tag ‘LIMITED INVESTIGATION’] And this is all following an FBI investigation which honestly didn’t seem super thorough. He’s what a law and order episode on this investigation would look like.

[Cut to two detectives inside an investigation room talking to a suspect]

Female Detective: We found your fingerprints on a handle of the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.

The suspect: [Cut to the suspect denying the accusation] I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Female Detective: [Cut to the female detective] Well you’re free to go.

[Cut to Credit screen with only one credit, ‘Executive Producer – Dick Wolf]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh with a Department of Justice logo and a tag ‘FBI INVESTIGATION’] Yes, that FBI investigation was quite ridiculous, but my question is for the five out of six Republican women that voted for Kavanaugh. [The top right corner picture changes to five republican females] So are you all like, hostages? This feels like one of those horror movies where white ladies in love with the monster but doesn’t know it. And all the black people watching are like, “Oh Megan, you’re about to get ate.” This is not good for any of us. And I say us because if these Republicans don’t care about you, oh they definitely don’t care about me, if a white lady in tears can’t get justice then there’s no hoe for my black ass in Jordans.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh on the top left corner with a tag ‘DEMOCRATS CALL HIM “EVIL”’] I’m also angry at Democrats like Cory Booker who came out and called Brett Kavanaugh evil when his nomination was first announced. Then when he was accused of actual evil they had nowhere to go.

[Top left corner picture changes to a picture OJ commercial] It’s like seeing OJ doing a Hertz commercial in the 80’s and saying this is the worst thing he’ll ever do.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I heard the president say on TV that quote, [Cut to the written quote] “IT’S A SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN IN AMERICA WHEN YOU CAN BE GUILTY OF SOMETHING THAT YOU MAY NOT BE GUILTY OF.”

[Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I don’t have a joke for that. I just thought it was hilarious. Come on! Old rich white dude telling us it’s a scary time in America. That is pure comedy. And I will be stealing that line.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost] Republicans are now planning to use the liberal opposition to Brett Kavanaugh to stoke anger among the GOP base ahead of the midterm elections. But if that doesn’t work, they can always fire up their base by saying any of the following things.

[Cut to lists of things they can say, the list – Hillary, Immigrants, Pelosi, Black Lives Matter, NFL, George Soros, Gay Frogs, Puerto Rico, Lady Ghostbusters, Male Nurses, MS-13, MS-14, UP-40, Diversity, Gender-neutral, Kaepernick, LeBron James, Catheter discomfort, Mexico, Obamacare, Starbucks cups, Maxine Waters, The Last Jedi, Barbie dolls with careers, Lena Dunham, Jeff Sessions for some reason] [Punk Rock music playing on back ground – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it. We’re not going to take it anymore.]

[List goes on after a small pause, the list – Black Panther, Black Santa, Brown Himilton, Vagina hats, “farm-to-table”, Fuel economy, Debra Messing, “Happy Holidays”, Michael Moore, Climate change, Mueller, They don’t tell you hit the quarterback anymore] [Punk Rock music playing on background – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it.]

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of the President Donald Trump top in the left top corner with a tag ‘TRUMP TAX SCHEME’] The New York Times uncovered that through out his life Donal Trump received a $413 million inheritance from his father, but Trump said what he was inherited was actually not that big. It was more toad stool sized. The New York Times also published a report accusing the Trump family of cheating the government out of $500 million in taxes. Personally, I think the IRS should just seize all the money the Trump family hid and gave it to Puerto Rico. Or better yet, they could make Trump’s biggest nightmare come true and let a bunch Puerto Ricans come live in his buildings.

Pumpkin Patch: Season 44 Episode 2

The boss…..Mikey Day

Todd…..Beck Bennett

Nathan…..Kyle Mooney

…..Awkwafina

[A woman is buying pumpkin for Halloween in the pumpkin shop.]

The boss: Super easy to carve. They should have a blast. All right, bye Sarah. Say hi to Josh. [Todd, Nathan, and Awkwafina are fooling around and having fun talking about something they like. The boss finds it hard to confront to them, but he decides that he should.]

The boss: Hey, team? [Cut to three staffs at the left and the boss at the right talking to them] Can I talk to you for a sec?

Todd: Yes sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] This morning, I found some of our jumbo pumpkins in the dumpster. [Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] Some of the pumpkins [Cut to the boss speaking] had holes cut in them [Cut to Nathan listening to the boss][Cut to Todd listening to the boss] and others were completely destroyed. [Cut to the boss speaking][Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] So I cannot believe I have to ask you this, [Cut to the boss] but did you perform a lewd act with some of our pumpkins last night?

All three staffs: [Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] No sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] All right, well Louis, the grounds keeper saw you, and he told me what you did.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] Right, yes. And that’s because we did do what you said, sir.

Todd: [Cut to Todd] Enough lies, we did do that sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss disappointed] Do you guys see how this would be a problem? [Cut to Todd listening to the boss] [Cut to Nathan listening to the boss] That employees of my pumpkin patch [Cut to Awkwafina listening to the boss] are having sex with the pumpkins?

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan speaking] I mean it’s not ideal sir. [Cut to the boss shocked]

Awkwafina: [Cut to all three staffs] I think there’s been a misunderstanding. They only did it because it felt good.

Todd and Nathan: Exactly.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] That doesn’t change my opinion.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan speaking] Does it change your opinion on us as people sir?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Yes.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan acting confused] For worse?

The boss: [Cut to the boss annoyed] Yeah. Oh, poor Louis. He saw the entire thing.

[Cut to Louis with his garden tool in his hands shaking his head with disgust looking at the three staffs]

Todd: [Cut to Todd] So let me tell you our side of the story as to clear the air here?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Sure Todd.

Nathan: [Cut to all three staffs] Let’s just paint a picture for you, sir. [Cut to Nathan] Kind of a horny night in general.

Awkwafina: [Cut to the scene portraying their past story. All three staffs enjoying inside the pumpkin store] We were talking about that film, “American Pie.” There’s a part where Jason Briggs does some dirty deeds with an American pie.

Todd: This one time at band camp.

Awkwafina: And sir this is where I’ll take some responsibility because I had dared Nathan to pump the pump.

Nathan: [Cut to three staffs] And so I did. And to my surprise sir, it felt very, [Cut to Nathan] very good. [Cut to the boss looking at Nathan shocked]

Todd: Upon hearing my [Cut to Todd] friend’s happy, happy noises, [Cut to Nathan] [Cut to Awkwafina nodding and agreeing] I decided to grab a couple of pumpkins and do the same myself. [Cut to Todd]

The boss: You guys, [Cut to the boss] this is a family business. [Cut to Todd] Kids come here with their parents. [Cut to the pumpkin with three holes on it that Todd is staring at at this moment] There’s a slide. [Cut to Todd losing what the boss is saying because his attention is at the pumpkin with the holes] I can’t have my employees pumping the pumpkins [Cut to pumpkin with three holes with dreamy effect] at night. And Nathan, I’d expect this from Todd, [Cut to Nathan staring at the boss but not paying attention to what he’s saying] but I’m pretty disappointed in you Nathan. [Cut to the boss as a pumpkin with holes speaking to him. Nathan sees a pumpkin speaking to him] Because I actually think that you’re pretty smart. [Cut to Nathan lost in his thoughts] So if you did do this to a pumpkin it– Nathan! [Cut to the boss pissed off] [Cut to Nathan embarrassed]

Nathan: Oh my god.

The boss: [Cut to all three staffs] You got anything to say for yourself man? [Cut to the boss]

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] I’m embarrassed. This is not our finest hour. [Cut to the boss agreeing] To be caught doing that with a pumpkin? [Cut to Nathan]

The boss: [Cut to the boss] You had sex with it.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] By someone I admire and respect, my boss, who’s also the father of my wife?

The boss: [Cut to the boss disappointed] I’m your father-in-law.

Nathan: But I promise sir, [Cut to Nathan] I will never do this again.

Todd: [Cut to Todd] I can’t promise that sir, but I’ll try my hardest not to. I might do it.

Nathan: [Cut to the boss disappointed] Sir, in our defense, [Cut to Nathan] have you ever actually done that with a pumpkin?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] NO.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] It feels pretty legit. [Cut to Todd nodding his head and agreeing]

Awkwafina: Sir, if it helps in any way, [Cut to all three staffs] Todd used a condom.

The boss: [Cut to the boss] It does not. It makes it even weirder.

Awkwafina: Oh.

The boss: So now, surprise guys, I have to let you all go.

Three staffs: [Cut to them regretting] Oh, come on. [Cut to the tree staffs walking away with background musing saying “Let me go, I don’t want to be your hero.”] [Cut to three staffs reaching the car]

The boss: Wait, [the three staffs turn around] [Cut to the boss] open the trunk. [Cut to the three staffs opening the trunk of the car finding it to be full of pumpkins] [Cut to the boss] Here’s a tip, the more orange the skin, the softer it is inside. [Cut to the three staffs. Awkwafina nodding her head and agreeing]

Awkwafina: Good to know.

Todd: Thank you, sir.

Nathan: Happy Halloween.

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Happy Halloween.

[Cut to three staffs driving away in a car with a trunk full of pumpkins]

Ted Cruz Rally: Season 44 Episode 2

Hype Woman…..Awkwafina

Hype Man…..Kenan Thompson

Ted Cruz…..Beck Bennett

[People cheering. Cut to people standing in a line and cheering.]

Voiceover: There’s something happening in Texas. [Cut to an article that says “Beto O’Rourke Rally Draws Record Numbers in Texas.]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] How ya’ll feeling today?

Kenan Thompson: How ya’ll feeling?

Voiceover: [Cut to internet article and crowd] The most closely watched race in America.

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] I said how ya’ll feeling today?

Kenan Thompson: Dallas!

Voiceover: [Cut to internet article] It is electric.

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina on a stage] Ya’ll like [inaudible 00:00:17] ? [Cut to crowd excited] Ya’ll like [Cut to Awkwafina on a stage. Cut to Kenan Thompson on a stage] [inaudible 00:00:20] ? [Cut to crowd excited. Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] Ya’ll like Ted Cruz?

Kenan Thompson: We are about to find out.

Sound Effect: TED CRUZ!

[Cut to Ted Cruz coming to the stage waving to the audience. Ted Cruz stands close to mic. Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson standing behind Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hi, I’m Ted Cruz. [Cut to audience covering their ears as they hear sound distortion. Cut to Ted Cruz speaking and Awkwafinad and Kenan Thompson standing behind him] Look when God whispered to me that I should run for Senate, he didn’t tell me it was going to be a popularity contest. [Cut to Ted Cruz speaking] But we are going to throw the coolest rally in town. [Cut to crowd clapping] Stop. Humor time. What do you call a Democrat in Texas? [Ted Cruz drops the mic, and he talks in the damaged mic] We call the Democrats in Texas…. [Cut to crowd watch at shock as the speaker explodes]

Awkwafina: You know, maybe Ted Cruz can’t sound cool [Cut to Awkwafina, Ted Cruz and Kenan Thompson on the stage] but I bet we can make him look cool.

Kenan Thompson: Who want to see Ted Cruz dunk a basketball? [Cut to Ted Cruz, Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson passing basketball. Ted Cruz tried to dribble the ball on the stage, but it doesn’t bounce. Cut to the bored crowd.]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina speaking with Ted Cruz and Kenan Thompson on the stage] We need to hit the emergency party button.

Kenan Thompson: Oh! [Cut to Ted Cruz going and pressing the party button. Cut to embarrassing wet confetti stuck together falls on the ground. Cut to Kenan Thompson moves towards the party button and presses it. The button then works. Ted Cruz is disappointed.]

Ted Cruz: Okay. [Ted Cruz jumps and tried to dab hard, but he hits his own nose.] Ouch. [Cut to Ted Cruz holding his nose]

Kenan Thompson: Ted’s nose is bleeding up here so [Cut to Ted Cruz, Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on the stage] why don’t we just wrap this up?

Awkwafina: Give it up one more time [Cut to Ted Cruz holding his nose and waving his hand] for Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: [The Ted Cruz backdrop falls]Your future senator.

Sound effect: Ted Cruz!

Film Panel: Season 44 Episode 2

Karen Domineau…..Aidy Bryant

Marion Cotillard…..Cecily Strong

Allison Janney…..Heidi Gardner

Sandra Oh…..Awkwafina

Debette Goldry…..Kate Mckinnon

[56th New York Film Festival’s intro plays. Cut to the show where the host and four actresses are sitting]

Karen Domineau: Welcome to the 2018 New York Film Festival Actress round table. [Cut to Karen Domineau] Tonight’s topic “Me too, year two, how we doing Hollywood?” Joining me are some of today’s brightest stars. First, Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: [Cut to Marion Cotillard] Yes, je m’appelle, hello.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] She’s an Oscar winner. And also I guess on the show ‘Mom,’ Miss Allison Janny.

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Yeah, well that’s me pumpkin.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] Next, the start of Grey’s Anatomy and Killing Eve, Sandra Oh.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] Hello, it’s an honor to play woman who give long speeches immediately after a shower.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] And finally a legend of such classis Hollywood films as Shimmy on the Train Tracks and The Jiggle Sisters, The incomparable Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry ] Thank you. I’m- I’m so happy to be here is what I wanted to say on my tombstone. Would someone write that down?

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] Miss Goldry, I have to say I’m such a fan. I have all your movies.

Debette Goldry: Oh, and I have no idea who either of us is.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to host and the actresses] All right. Well, this week marks the one year anniversary of [Cut to Karen Domineau] the Harvey Weinstein story. Despite the strides, Hollywood has made, what still needs to change?

Marion Cotillard: [Cut to Marion Cotillard] You know, some of these men producers are terrified to meet alone with a woman. They need to stop shouting us out.

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] They need to give bad men second chances.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] They need to stop using our fingerprints when they commit party murders.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] I’m sorry, what?

Debette Goldry: It’s a huge problem in Hollywood that, you know. [Cut to Debette Goldry] These men, they’ll have a party at a house in Palm Springs. Some girl takes a nap in the pool. And they’re all, “Please baby, just touch the knife. I’ll buy you a sweater. Be a pal.” You girls know what I’m talking about.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] No, I’ve never experienced anything like that.

Debette Goldry: Okay, see? Progress.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] So, how do you all think that the movement has spread to the culture at large?

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] You see it with politics now. More women are coming forward.

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Let me tell you, these politicians can defend their supreme court justice all they want, but usually when they’re smoke there’s fire.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] And when there’s fire, there’s Rita Hayworth taking a cigarette nap. That sleepy bitch.

Marion Cotillard: [Cut to Marion Cotillard] You- you can see it in those hearings. You know, there’s a double standard. If a woman acted the way he did, she’d be labeled hysterical.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Now, I was labeled hysterical once. I asked them to clean [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] my costume in between shoot days. And they sent me to a spa to relax and get a lobotomy. And now I cannot think or smell.

Sandra Oh: Oh my god, are you okay?

Debette Goldry: I think so.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] How has the movement affected the types of roles you’re being offered?

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] It’s exciting that this has sort of compounded the existing conversation of representation. There’s so many roles for Asian women today where before there were almost none.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Now What? That’s not true. There were plenty of fabulous parts for Asian gals in the 1940, and I played all of them.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] And that’s offensive.

Debette Goldry: No it’s not Sinder Hoe, I was a brunette. What’s the damn problem?

Sandra Oh: I’m going to ignore all of that because I really like her. I think this moment is an opportunity women are coming forward with stories from a long time ago, and they need to be heard.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Yeah. I actually would like to come forward about something that happened to me a long time ago. I was babysitting for a very powerful family. Have you heard of the Lindberghs?

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Yeah. Wait, did you lost the Lindbergh baby?

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Well, Ish! I left him on a porch with a sign that said: “Famous baby, please don’t steal.” What could I do? I had an audition. Silver lining, I booked it. I was the queen of Siel.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] How Okay. I’m just going to reset because my boss is here. Do you think there’s a place for men in this movement?

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Absolutely, we need male allies.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Right. Male allies. That means gay husband, right? I had a lot of male allies.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] I just want to say that there are plenty of good men who collaborate with women and respect their ideas.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Yes, that’s right. I had that kind of relationship with Orson Wells when he made CDs and came. I was the one that gave him the idea for a rosebud. But I wasn’t talking about a darn sled. I was talking about my wet hole. [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry]

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] Okay. I’m afraid that we’re out of time.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Oh good. Just in time for my cigarette nap. Can we dim the lights, please?

[Closing screen to 56th New York Film Festival playing]

Brett Kavanaugh Post-Game Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 2

Don Lemon…..Kenan Thompson

Dana Bash….. Heidi Gardner

Senator Mitch McConnell…..Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham…..Kate McKinnon

Susan Collins…..Cecily Strong

Jeff Flake…..Pete Davidson

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Senator Chuck Schumer…..Alex Moffatt

[News starting. Cut to Don Lemon as a news reporter.]

Don Lemon: Good evening. I am Don Lemon. We’ve all just witnessed history as Judge Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate to become a justice of the Supreme Court. There have been protests in Washington and several cry breaks here at CNN. It’s a somber day for many Americans. We now go live to Dana Bash who is with Senate Republicans.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash as a news reporter with Senate Republicans.] Don, I’m here in the GOP locker room where the mood is nothing short of euphoric.

John Kennedy: Whoo! We’re going to Kavanaugh this tonight. Let’s Ralph till we Moo!

Dana Bash: Thank you, Senator Kennedy.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Quite the display Dana.

Dana Bash: That’s right Don. There are a lot of pacemakers being put to the test tonight. [Cut to Dana] And I see Mitch McConnell here. Mitch, how are you feeling?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, oh, that was awesome! Whoo!

Dana Bash: Do you feel like this is a win you can be proud of?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, hell yeah Dana! Republicans read the mood of the country, and we could tell the people really wanted Kavanaugh. Everyone’s pumped from white men over 60 to white men over 70. We did it. We got the PJ and Squee.

Dana Bash: Put this victory in context.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it’s up there with Vietnam for sure. I mean this is historic.

John Kennedy: Uh, winning!

Dana Bash: And um, Lindsey- Lindsey Graham. Do you have a moment?

Lindsey Graham: All righ- Woo! How amazing is this, huh? We- we made a lot of women real worried today but I’m not getting pregnant, so I don’t care. Um, here. Take a- take a Kavanaugh world champion hat.

Dana Bash: Um, yeah, no! I’m not wearing that. Um, oh Lindsey, walk us through the final confirmation.

Lindsey Graham: Well, oh man! Well for a while we thought it was going to be tied and we were going to have to go with our closer mock pants. He was going to jog in to Metallica’s Enter the Sadman and start throwing votes at 100mph. But thank the male lord that was not necessary. Helped a lot. The democrat Joe Manchin scored in his own goal. That was dope. And well, we couldn’t have done it without Susan Collins. Susan, get over here.

Susan Collins: Do I attack again?

Lindsey Graham: No girl, no! No! But seriously, this was all Susan.

Susan Collins: Oh, please. The last thing I wanted was to make this about me. That’s why I told everyone to tune in at 3 PM so I could tell all my female supporters, “Psyche!”

Dana Bash: And you don’t think that Brett Kavanaugh did anything wrong?

Susan Collins: Listen, I think it’s important to believe women until it’s time to stop. But I also believe that you know, I’m a guy’s gal, okay? I can party with the big dogs and “Whoo!” You know? We’re going to have fun tonight.

John Kennedy: Whoo! That’s our girl. Our one girl.

Susan Collins: Yeah. Also now we’re going to party like it’s 2021, Susan Rice takes my seat.

Dana Bash: And Senator Jeff Flake was also reportedly on the fence until yesterday. Senator Flake?

Jeff Flake: Oh hey, yeah! Obviously, I was really sad about the whole process as you could tell from my resting bitch face. And I really considered all the testimony because this was such a–

Lindsey Graham: Got you! Oops!

Jeff Flake: You stinker!

Mitch McConnell: We all know who .you are. Flake the snake! You were never voting, no.

Jeff Flake: Okay. You got me. I stink.

Lindsey Graham: Seriously, this one is about the fans. They’ve been there for us all week cheering and screaming outside of our offices.

Dana Bash: I’m sorry. You think those were fans?

Lindsey Graham: Oh yeah, for sure. And I know that they agree with us because they’re shouting out me too.

Dana Bash: Okay. And I see that the Arizona prosecutor they hired is here as well.

Rachel Mitchell: Yeah. I sure am. I sure am. What’s up women? I hope I did you proud. I think I helped.

Dana Bash: And what’s next for you Rachel?

Rachel Mitchell: Oh well, I’m flying South West Airlines back to Arizona like a freaking champ.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Dana, I hate to interrupt you.

Dana Bash: No, please do. I need a break from this.

Don Lemon: Okay, well then let’s throw it over to Kate Bennett [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Kate Bennett at right.] who’s with the losing team Chuck Schumer.

Kate Bennett: Senator Schumer, [Cut to Kate Bennett interviewing Chuck Schumer.] what went wrong?

Chuck Schumer: Well, my doctor thinks it might be Sciatica.

Kate Bennett: No, I mean with the Kavanaugh vote?

Chuck Schumer: Oh, right. Yes, well the Dems lost in other one. Yes. This is what we do now. Um, look, we thought this time would be better than Anita hill hearing because Dr. Ford was white.  Um, but then it turned out Brett Kavanaugh was white too and you know, we were completely blind-sighted by that.

Kate Bennett: Understood. And I see Senator Joe Manson, the one Democrat yes vote is heading this way right now.

Chuck Schumer: Hey Joe, listen, no hard feelings.

Joe Manson: Nut job. Oh!

Kate Bennett: Dana, back to you.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash and Senate Republicans celebrating behind her.] Okay. Very cool chill energy here. Several of the senators also appear to be wearing goggles.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. These are for the Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.

Lindsey Graham: To celebrate Brett Kavanaugh, the naughty life of judges. All right, now listen everyone, let’s keep this corny male energy going to the mid-term.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!