Weekend Update: Trump’s Moscow Tower | Season 44 Episode 7

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of President Trump in the left top corner of the screen] This week Americans were hit with the stunning revelation that their president may have possibly lied to them. Trump’s former lawyer [Picture in the left top corner changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen, who I believe is the love child of Cellino and Barnes, [picture in the top left corner changes to Cellino and Barnes] testified in court that Donald Trump [picture changes to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump] continued to work on a deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow well into his presidential campaign. [Picture changes to a screenshot of Trump’s tweet] Trump defended himself saying the deal was, “Very legal and very cool.” That sounds like a craigslist ad for Russian prostitutes. [Picture changes to craigslist ad for prostitues] Number one all-time babes, very legal, very cool, man and we never kill you, only sometimes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen in the right top corner of the screen with the tag “Weak Person”] President Trump attacked Michael Cohen for pleading guilty to lying to Congress, calling him a weak person. Oh, really, what gave that away, his chin? Doesn’t Donald Trump realize everybody he hires just ends up leaving him or getting fired or locked up? Oh, honey, it’s you. [Picture changes to President Trump] He picks counsel like my cousin Tasha picks baby fathers.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Saudi Crown Prince and Vladimir Putin in the left top corner of the screen] At this weekend’s G20 summit, President Vladimir Putin greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman with a very enthusiastic high-five. [Cut to a video clip of Vladimir Putin giving Crown Prince a high five] Yeah, [Cut to Colin Jost] super cool. No one killed anyone. They looked like the video of  NASA scientists when they found out their probe landed on Mars. [Cut to a video clip of NASA scientists celebrating their success] [Cut to Colin Jost] And then Putin greeted President Trump with as always, a violent sack tap. [Picture changes to President Putin and President Trump. President Trump leaning forward as if hit on the sack] [Picture changes to a baby Trump balloon] And protesters at G20 summit flew a giant baby Trump balloon which in the past Trump had said makes him feel unwelcome. Well, yeah, I mean the balloon was never meant as a tribute. Also saying that balloon is being mean to me is a pretty clear sign of dementia. Worst, Trump also thought that the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade was calling him a [picture changes to big Garfield balloon] huge orange pussy.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Julian Assage and Paul Manafort in the right top corner] This week it was reported that Julian Assange, who dyes his face to match his hair, met with Paul Manafort in 2016. [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] Manafort denies the meeting ever took place, but I don’t know if trust a guy who looks like he bleeds cologne. Manafort looks like the kind of guy who tells his daughter’s friends, “You really filled out nicely.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the First Lady Melania with many red Christmas trees behind her] First lady Melania Trump was mocked on social media for her white house Christmas display, which this year featured 40 red trees. And sure, those trees look like jagged teeth in the blazing hot mouth of Satan himself. But come on guys, Melania, she needs this. Her only thing is a campaign against bullying that has been used exclusively to bully her. It’s not like most Christmas decorations are super tasteful anyway. I mean if you’ve seen what people put on their lawns? Maybe you think the white house should be full of giant [red trees changes to minion balloons in the picture] inflatable minions? Or how about this lovely [minion balloons change to Santa in an outhouse] Santa in an outhouse. That’s real and cost $150? And also do you think Christmas displays would be better if Hillary had won? [picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton] I mean Bill would be doing the decorating. So that hallway would be just 100% leg lamps. [Picture to a hallway with giants lamps on really nice lady legs]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a map picture on the top right corner] American border agents fired tear gas and pepper spray on hundreds of migrants who tried to enter the country illegally through Tijuana. Giving migrants a fun preview of what it’s like to be a minority in America. [The picture changes to President Trump] Trump defended the border saying they used safe tear gas. Wait, there’s been safe tear gas this whole time? Boy, black people are going to be upset when they find out about this.

Weekend Update: Six-Foot-Tall Steer | Season 44 Episode 7

[Michael Che on the news set. There’s a picture of big steer between many cows on the right top corner]

Michael Che: An Australian Rancher said that a six-foot tall steer weighing over one ton is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. Yeah, me too, [Picture changes to three cows stacked upon each other wearing a coat] said three cows in a trench coat.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gritty pupped on left top corner] Philadelphia flyers Mascot gritty helped light the Christmas tree outside Philadelphia’s city hall this week. Yeah! Yeah, Gritty was a last-minute replacement for Santa Claus, who was busy trying to escape from Gritty’s trunk. [Picture changes to Santa abducted by Gritty and kept in his trunk] [Picture changes to a logo of Starbucks and wi-fi symbol] Starbucks announced that starting in 2019 it will block pornography websites over its wi-fi. It’s a move they’re calling [Picture changes to Michael Che using a laptop in Starbucks] Che’s Law.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: It’s a good law. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of J.F.K airport on the top right corner] Officials at J.F.K. airport said that a suitcase containing more than 100 pounds of cocaine was left unclaimed at the luggage carousel. For reference, here’s what 100 pounds of cocaine look like. [Pictue changes to Steven Tyler] [Picture changes to a map picture of Brazil]

Brazilian officials announced that deforestation in the country has reached it’s highest level in a decade. Worse, they’re only doing it because their boyfriend likes it that way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

It’s a waxing joke!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin and Michael] Oh, thank you. I just got it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

Researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts. So, yes, there is a way dick pics can get worse.

[Picture changes to Dunkin Donuts] Dunkin’ donuts is saying it’s customer rewards program may have been hacked because American runs on Duncan, but Duncan runs on [Picture changes to old desktop computer] windows 98.

Michael Che: [Cut to Colin and Michael] And on a serious note, Friday night former President George H.W. Bush passed away. He was 94 years old. Our thoughts and condolences go out to his family and friends.

Colin Jost: That’s right, President Bush was famously a warm and gracious man who always understood the power in being able to laugh at yourself.

Speaker 3: [Cut to George Bush impressionist] Thousand points of lights still operating. Coming in from all of those areas. Not gonna do it! Not GA DA.

George Bush: [Cut to George Bush] George Bush here. I’m watching you do your impression of me, and I got to say, it’s nothing like me. There’s no resemblance. It’s bad. It’s bad.

[Cut to George Bush on right side and his impressionist on left side]

Speaker 3: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President, I think it’s a fair impression.

George Bush: Don’t see it.

Speaker 3: You don’t?

George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated, not me. Those crazy hand gestures, pointing thing. I don’t do’em. And also Na Go Da—never said it. In all my years of government service, I never once said Na, Ga, Da.

[Cut to George Bush’s picture] [Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Economy | Season 44 Episode 7

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin: The economic issues facing our country are very complicated and hard to understand. Here to explain them is the so-called free-thinking economist. Please welcome Jules, who sees things a little differently.

[Jules slides in on his chair]

Jules: Wow, wow. Hi.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I’m already worried. So what is the big general overview of the economy right now?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Well, first of all, I just want to say that growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. Like if other kids were watching cartoons, I was like making hats. If that makes sense. So I guess I just—I don’t know, I see things a little differently.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] Okay. What about something like about the economy?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Okay, so you’re looking at the economy, like numbers, charts, buy, sell. Meanwhile, I’m looking at a baby, and I’m thinking that’s what we need, open eyes, skin so soft, no bones, just love Colin.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Babies have bones. Okay. What do you think about GM cutting almost 15,000 jobs? What does that mean for the auto industry?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] So, I don’t love taking like cars places. Because they’re just so like 1984 the book to me, like these were Orwellian machines, straight out of George Orwell if that makes sense.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] No, it does not. No.

Jules: So instead of driving a car, I like to like, [Cut to Jules] lay belly down on a long-board and use my arms the way a dolphin uses its fins. Sure, it takes longer. And yes, I’ve been hit by a couple of cars, but the thing about getting hit by a car Colin is that for just a moment I get to fly. [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin has his palm on his face] Oh, look, Colin, chills.

Colin: Can I just ask, what do you do for a living?

Jules: I don’t know. I like to play.

Colin:  Oh, so gross.

Jules: [Cut to Jules] I just see people going work like—ra, ra, ra! I need money to put a roof over my head. But if you have a roof over your head, how are you going to see the stars?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Dude!

Jules: And, yes, my dad [Cut to Jules] invented Oxycontin, and I get that makes a lot of money, but like we’re all just animals in people’s costumes, right?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I have never hated anyone this much.

Jules: I guess the way I think makes me [Cut to Jules] a little strange. I’m kind of like dreaming while I’m awake, [Cut to [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin pushes Jules away from the set slowly] while other people wait to go to sleep to dream. Meanwhile, me, I’m always dreaming because I see things just a little different Colin.

Colin: Jules, everyone.

Trump Argentina Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 7

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen

[Donald is sleepless at night and is standing in the hallway. Melania comes to call Donald to sleep]

Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.

Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.

Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?

Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.

Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.

Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.

Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?

Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.

Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.

[Melania goes to bath]

Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?

[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]

Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]

Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.

Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.

Donald Trump: And the bad news?

Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.

Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.

Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.

Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.

[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]

Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call?  Someone who I know will always answer.

[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]

Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.

Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.

Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.

Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.

Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.

Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.

Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?

Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.

Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.

Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.

Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.

Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.

Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.

Michael Cohen: They seized the records.

Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?

Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.

Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.

Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?

Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.

[Cut to Donald]

God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?

Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]

] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.

Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.

[Prince comes in]

Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!

Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.

Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!

Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.

Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?

Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?

Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day!

[Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.

Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.

Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump  was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”

[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]

Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!

Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.

Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.

[Vladimir and Prince leave]

Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is

[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth I’m very guilty

Some little no-nos and maybe treason

But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t

[Everyone comes into the screen singing]

Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina

Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him

Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days

Rudy: My mad existence

Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt

Everybody: And we’re all witches

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The War in Words | Season 44 Episode 7

James… Mikey Day

Margaret… Claire Foy

Hemry… Kenan Thompson

[Intro playing]

Narrator: This is a PBS world war I centennial special. The war in words: letters from the trenches.

[Cut to old photographs of Private James and his wife Margaret] The letters of Private James merchant of the king rifles to his wife, Margaret.

[Cut to James writing a letter]

James: My darling Margaret, this war is hell. We in our trench, the Germans in theirs, dying by the thousands, and for what? [Cut to Margaret reading the letter] The only thoughts that calm my mind are ones of you, [Cut to the letter] my love. You adoring husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, sounds dreadful. Love, Margaret.

[Cut to James looking at the letter and looking confused. He starts replying to that letter]

James: My dearest Margaret. I was mad with excitement to receive your letter, though I found it lacking in substance. In future letters, please elaborate. As I long to read your words. Yours faithfully, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, will do. Love Margaret.

James: [Cut to James angry] Margaret, my dear, it seems that prose is not your forte. Perhaps you could send me a photograph of yourself instead? Your loving husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, enclosed is a photograph of me. Please enjoy it privately, you naughty boy: Hee-Hee, love, Margaret.

James: [Cut to James with a photograph in his left hand] Margaret, no! This is a photograph of you as a child. [Cut to an old photograph of a child] And the suggestion that I should enjoy it is extremely disturbing. Please send a current photograph of yourself instead. Your husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, as requested, here is a photograph I’ve taken this afternoon. Please send back the other one if you can pry it away from your army friends that is, hee-hee. Love, Margaret.

James: [Cut to James]Again, my love, nobody finds your childhood photo arousing. And as for this current photograph, [Cut to an old photograph of Margaret and a stranger] who is this gentleman you are with? He looks to have made himself very comfortable in our home and why is he wearing my hat? [Cut to James] Perhaps you would like to give him my pocket watch as well. Answers, Please, your husband, James.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Dear James, Henry here, I cannot thank you enough for the pocket watch. I love it. You and your wife are so kind, which is why I don’t believe a word of what the newspaper are saying. There’s no way she could have committed that crime. Can you write me at 149 Cherry Street, Brighton, UK. Henry.

James: [Cut to James] But that’s my house! [Starts writing again] Dearest Margaret, I am positively starved for context. Henry’s led me to believe you’re in trouble with the law. Of what crime are you accused? And who is Henry? And why is he living in our home? Confused in France, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] James, Henry is the man in the photograph.

James: [Cut to James] Yes, I know, but who is he?

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret] Anyway, love, wish me luck. My trial is today. Love, Margaret. P.S. how is World War I going?

James: [Cut to James] The war is bad, Margaret. And why would you call it World War I? This is cryptic. Do you think there will be a second World War? And also still needed, details about your legal troubles, i.e., how did the trial go? Also, everything Henry! Out letters have become like the causes of this war, deeply confused, your beleaguered husband, James.

Margaret: [Cut to Margaret. She is wearing a military uniform] My dearest James, forgive my silence. I will explain everything when I see you in France. That’s right; I have joined the army as a gunnery maid. I will be serving under captain Wilhelm in the Blitz division. Love, Margaret.[Margaret wears a helmet]

James: [Cut to James] Oh, my god, she’s joined the German army!

[Playing outro]

Narrator: Stay tuned for more of “The War in words: Letters from the trenchies.

Netflix Commercial | Season 44 Episode 7

Ruth… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Claire Foy

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[NETFLIX commercial playing]

Narrator: This holiday season give the gift of NETFLIX and enjoy streaming shows like [Cut to small clip from Stranger Things, The Crown and Making a Murderer] “Stranger Things,” “The Crown,” and “Making a Murder.” And in 2019 we’ll have even more programming to choose from because we’ve gone crazy! That’s right. [Showing thumbnails of many series in NETFLIX interface] We’re spending billions of dollars and making every show in the world. Our goal is the endless scroll. By the time you reach the bottom of our menu, there’s new shows at the top. And thus the singularity will be achieved. How we doing it? Simple. We buy everything. Here’s a look at one of our actual pitch meetings.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi in NETFLIX office giving presentation of her show] So this show is about a girl named Jimmy.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day with a pile of money on his desk accepting Heidi Gardner’s show]Yes, here’s money. Go, make it.[Throwing money at Heidi]

Narrator: We’re even buying stuff from ourselves. We love [Cut to clips from movie, The Crown] Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth so much, we’re sending her back to high school.

Claire Foy: [Claire Foy in high school] I’m in over my crown!

Narrator: It’s “Saved By The Crown.” We’ve got so many shows. Even we haven’t seen them all. Like “Kenny Meat Depot.” It’s been on for three seasons, and only one woman watches it.

Ruth: Hello. I’m Ruth, and I love “Kenny Meat Depot.”

Mikey Day: Thanks, Ruth.

Narrator: And hey. We still got movies, thousands of them — 12 of which you want to watch.

Mikey Day: We even made all the fake movies from “Entourage.”

Narrator: Betty Ian and Queen’s Boulevard. And we got reboots. Like our dark take on “Sabrina,” then you’ll love our “Greedy Family Matters” reboot.

Officer Winslow.

Chris Redd: Oh, la la my pet. [Kenan is drinking liquor from the bottle. He looks at Christ Redd] I love you.

[Kenan points a gun on Chris’ head]

Kenan Thompson: Get the fuck out of my house!

[Chris runs out of the house. Kenan shoots on the ceiling of his house]

Why did I do that?

Narrator: But don’t worry, we also got that comedy, like comedians in cars getting coffee or Leslie Jones in a van getting batteries.

Leslie Jones: [Leslie speaking out of her van’s window] Let’s go get some DURACELL. [Leslie is driving. She hits something] Oh, man, I think I hit that dude on the bike! [Leslie is driving away from the cops]

Narrator: It will take 12 human lifetimes to watch all of our content.  So start watching now.

Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks] [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]

HSN | Season 44 Episode 7

Male host… Kenan Thompson

Becky… Claire Foy

Tamara VanBurke… Cecily Strong

Charlene VanBurke… Aidy Bryant

[Intro of HSN playing] [Cut to HSN hosts in their show set]

Kenan: Well, Becky, bad news, we have officially sold out of the Candace Cameron Bure [Cut to the book male host is holding] Full Body shape wear sets.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: I knew that would happen. They were too good to last.

Kenan: And you know who got the last pair? Me. I got ‘em on right now.

Becky: Oh, you little stinker. You look dynamite.

Kenan: They’re smashing my wiener. But I like the feeling, and I love the look.

Becky: All right. [Kenan throws the book away] Now, we are moving on to a brand new vendor here at “HSN.” Her name is Tamara VanBurke, and she’s going to be showing us her ‘Teeny Adorables.’

Kenan: Well, that’s right. Let’s get it out here.

[Tamara comes in]

Becky: Hi Tamara.

Kenan: Hey Tamara.

Becky: Good to have you.

Tamara VanBurke: Can I just say I’m having like a real fangirl moment. [Cut to Tamara] I watch you guys every day. Don’t be scared but I know like, everything about you.

[Cut to everbody]

Becky: Oh you are too sweet.

Kenan: Yeah, why don’t you tell us about your Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: OKay. They’re very small. [Cut to Tamara] Just a little bigger than a tiny grain of rice. Sorry, my heart is beating so fast. They’re one of a kind, ceramic gifts. Guaranteed to be unique since I make only one of each kind. And there are over 800.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: And you’re a one-woman operation? Amazing.

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, yes, [Cut to Tamara] it’s just me with tiny tweezers, little magnifying glasses, all night long for hours.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Wow, and you brought them all with you today?

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, I did. They’re right in my case. [Tamara looks behind and starts looking for her case] Where is—[Cut to Tamara] my god. Oh, no, oh, god. Oh god, I was– I was so excited about being here that I left them in the flipping Uber! I’m stinking idiot.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: Okay. Okay, just hang on sweety.

Kenan: Yeah, maybe sounds like maybe you forgot those Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: Maybe? No. I left them in the tea bag [Cut to Tamara. Tamara is pissed off] in Uber because I’m a stupid butthole bitch.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Okay, sweetie. Think you might be being a little hard on yourself.

Becky: If they’re in the Uber, maybe we can just give him a call.

Tamara VanBurke: No. No, [Cut to Tamara] I’m sure he’s got them. Because for some freaking reason I had to open my fat mouth and brag and tell him they were over $100,000. Why Hubris god, eat my ass to hell!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Okay, well, [Cut to everybody] you know what sweetheart, I’ve seen these collectibles.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara leans her head on the table] Oh, bitch!

Becky:  And I think I can just tell everybody what they look like.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara losing control] Oh my brain sucks.

Becky: There’s one that looks like a tiny circle of camels just like for Jerusalem times.

Tamara VanBurke: God sucking loser!

Becky: And they’re just having the nicest little conversation.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: Okay, all right, I think you’re starting to scare me a little bit.

Becky: Maybe we just need to—

Tamara VanBurke: Need to what, kill me? Oh, please, you know what? [Cut to Tamara] That would actually be a favor because frankly, I am too much of a little chicken dump to do it myself.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Our phones are lighting up like crazy but remember folks, there’s nothing to buy.

Tamara VanBurke: Chicken dump loser!

[Charlene, Tamara’s mother, comes in on her wheelchair]

Charlene VanBurke: What the hell are you doing out here?

Tamara VanBurke: No, please mother, [Cut to everybody] do not pile on right now.

Kenan: So, this is your mother?

Becky: Well, that’s fine, isn’t it?

Charlene VanBurke: Well I told her she was incapable of [Cut to Charlene] handling stuff like this–

Tamara VanBurke: Mother get out of here.

Charlene VanBurke: [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] She can’t focus because she has no concentration.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh god, crack ass.

Charlene VanBurke: Her thoughts don’t connect to anything.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh my dumb ass, lie.

Charlene VanBurke: Now, did she tell you about her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: Mother, stop!

Becky:  [[Cut to Kenan and Becky] What’s wrong with her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: I can only [Cut to Tamara] see shadows!

Charlene VanBurke: Yes. [Cut to everybody] Yes, you ruined them making those dumb tiny things.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, my dog balls, lie!

Charlene VanBurke: Yeah, [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] I sat behind her every night as she bent over those little Dodads.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, crack my ass!

Charlene VanBurke: And I said, no one is ever, ever going to buy one of those little clowns. [Cut to everybody] And now she needs surgery, ‘cause her eyes are junk’.

Tamara VanBurke: Out! Get out! No! Don’t back up! Out! You out! Out! Out!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Kenan: Well, this was great.

Becky: It sure was. [Cut to Kenan, Becky, and Tamara]And we wish you luck with your surgery.

Tamara VanBurke: No, no surgery! I was going to pay for it with the money I got from here.

Becky: Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: All right, we’ll stick around because our next hour we’ll have Charlene VanBurke her big old adorables.

[Charlene comes in again with a toy that looks like snowman]

Tamara VanBurke: What? Mother!

Charlene VanBurke: My big adorables are cute and Christmasy, and I didn’t forget them.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: So stay tuned right here to HSN, the homosexual shopping network.

Kenan: It’s home shopping network.

Becky: Is it? Okay. If you say so. We’ll be right back.

[HSN outro plays]

Good Morning Goomah | Season 44 Episode 7

Gina Barbarosa… Kate McKinnon

Sandy Dentista… Claire Foy

Marian Perillo… Aidy Bryant

Tony… Pete Davidson

[TV show intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Staten Island cable.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy sitting on a couch of their set]

Gina Barbarosa: It’s 8 AM in Woodrow, Staten Island which means you’re watching “Good morning Goomah.” As always, I’m Gina Barbarosa.

Sandy Dentista: And I am waiting for him to call. I kid. I’m Sandy Dentista.

Gina Barbarosa: And to all the Goomahs watching at home, welcome to the worst month of the year.

Sandy Dentista: December. O

Gina Barbarosa: The holidays.

Sandy Dentista: When he has to see the family.

Gina Barbarosa: Because Christmas is for wives but you know in your heart he loves you just as much because say it with me—

Gina Barbarosa and Sandy Dentista: You do things the wife would never do!

Sandy Dentista: Look what he got me. Is that just fabulous?

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Sandy Dentista: He says it was an apartment ring because I’m not allowed to wear it outside of the apartment.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, okay. So trust me, today is jewelry, tomorrow he’s going to be eating with you in public. I can’t. I can’t

Sandy Dentista: Okay, so now it’s time for an advertisement.

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, let’s get going. Today’s episode is brought to you by Virginia slim’s extra long.

Sandy Dentista: They’re 30% longer because what do you have to do all day?

Gina Barbarosa: Okay, we have a real exciting one today. [Someone presses the door buzzer] Okay, here we go.

Sandy Dentista: Every time.

Speaker on the door: Hello! Leave my husband alone. Do you hear me?

Sandy Dentista: Just got to wait it out.

Speaker on the door: Is this the super? There is a whore living in this building. Dentista, Sandy, whore! 2C, whore.

Gina Barbarosa: Remember, he has to go home to that.

Sandy Dentista: Please, I’m immune. He still uses condoms with that, that one. Oh, the storm passed.

Gina Barbarosa: We’re fine.

Sandy Dentista: Okay, our first guests is Bobby Valico’s her Goomah. Marian Perillo.

[Marian Perillo walks in with a little puppy]

Marian Perillo: Oh, hey sandy, hey Gina.

Sandy Dentista: Hey! Oh, nice little dog. It’s nice to have you on. I hear Bobby’s very happy. But I have to ask you, what happened to the old Goomah?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Oh well, you didn’t hear it from me, but she’s called the house.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: No! Was she sick?

Sandy Dentista: When your man gets home before things get romantic, does he say hello?

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Never. No, I never get a hello.

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Gina Barbarosa: And by romantic, we do mean getting pulverized from the back.

Sandy Dentista: Of course, the only way.

[Cut to Marian Perillo]

Marian Perillo: Yes, of course, face to face is for—

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: The wives!

Gina Barbarosa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Gina and Sandy]

Sandy Dentista: Oh, my god! Tony is here.

Gina Barbarosa: Oh my god. I told you he’d come. Oh my god.

[Tony comes in from the door. Sandy stands up and walks behind Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Hey, Tony darling! So good to see you, baby cakes.

Tony: You got orange juice?

[Cut to Sandy and Tony]

Sandy Dentista: Of course I do Tony darling. It’s on the table.

Tony: On the table? So it’s hot! You got a hot orange juice. You don’t have cold orange juice? You don’t have ice cubes in it? What the hell?

Sandy Dentista: No Tony. Please, Tony.

Tony: No Tony this, no Tony that! How about this, no Tony!

[Tony walks to the door]

Sandy Dentista: What I got to do. All I do is love you.

Tony: Then get me some cold orange juice! [Tony throws some money to Sandy and storms out]

Sandy Dentista: Why are you so perfect?

Gina Barbarosa: [Cut to Gina] I mean And that’s all for this week on “Good Morning Goomah.”  [Sandy comes and sits beside Gina] I’m Gina Barbarosa, and remember, wait it out.

Sandy Dentista: He’s only with her for the kids.

Cut for Time: Cars | Season 44 Episode 7

Aunt Pinky… Claire Foy

Danny… Beck Bennett

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

[A while house in a peaceful neighborhood. Cut to Daniel and Aunt Pinky sitting on a couch. Daniel is eating his popcorn loudly.]

Aunt Pinky: Wow. [Cut to Aunt Pinky] Somebody likes his corn.

[Cut to Kenny coming in from the back door on his Downhill Derby car]

Kenny: Hey, hey, hey.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] What’s that?

Kenny: [Cut to everybody in the room] It’s my car for the Downhill Derby tomorrow.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Where did you get it?

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] I built it with my dad.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Aunt Pinky, can you help me build a car for the [Cut to Kenny shaking his head] Downhill Derby?

Aunt Pinky: Of course. [Daniel and aunt Pinky hug] Bye. [Aunt Pinky leaves the room]

Daniel: Bye. [Aunt Pinky leaves the room]

Kenny: [Cut to Daniel and Kenny] Excuse me. You’re going to let a girl help you?

Daniel: And what’s wrong with that?

Kenny: Everyone knows girls don’t have car brands. They have [Cut to Kenny] doll brands. [Kenny laughs out loud. He picks up a flower vase from the table and hits Daniel on his head with it] [Daniel is upset] [Cut to the backyard of the house. Aunt Pinky is building the car]

Daniel: Hmm, are you sure that goes there?

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Pretty sure. It is the steering wheel after all.

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny walking in] What do you call that piece of junk?

Aunt Pinky: We call it first place winner. [Daniel acts proud]

Kenny: Well it looks like a fucking piece of junk.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky. She stands up] Oh yeah? Hey, Daniel, hop in. Let’s show him what we’ve got. [Cut to everybody.

Daniel: You got it. [Daniel gets in the car]

Aunt Pinky: Ready, set, go. [As soon as aunt Pinky pushes the car, the front wheel of the car breaks] [ Kenny laughs out loud]

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] What you got is no chance. Bye girls. [Kenny picks up the flower pot on the floor and hits Daniels head with his helmet on with it] [Daniel is upset] [Cut to aunt Pinky and Daniel. Aunt Pinky is checking the car]

Aunt Pinky: Hmm, I think I found the problem. [Cut to aunt Pinky] I can fix this in no time.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] No, don’t fix anything. Let’s just forget about the race.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Are you upset about the wheel?

Daniel: I’m not upset. [Cut to aunt Pinky and Daniel] I just changed my mind. I’m the kid. It happens. [Daniel picks up a doll and gives it to his aunt] Here, play with this. [Daniel storms inside the house with anger. Aunt is hurt.] [Cut to aunt Pinky working on the car. Daniel opens the door and steps out]

Daniel: Aunt Pinky, you’re still working on the car?

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Yeah, it’s my passion. [Aunt Pinky stands up] So, why did you quit?

Daniel: Because Kenny said Girls can’t build cars.

Aunt Pinky: That’s wrong. Girls can do anything boys can do.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Oh, I didn’t know that. Hey aunt Pinky, can I unquit?

Aunt Pinky: Sure. Grab a paintbrush. [Cut to aunt Pinky] We have a race to win.

Race Announcer: Welcome to the annual Downhill Derby.

[Cut to Kenny on his car acting over-confident]

Kenny: Well, if it isn’t my next victim. Your car looks like garbage.

Daniel: Fuck you [Cut to Daniel] you fucking piece of shit.

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] I wish my dad was here.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky, with race flags on her both hands] Ready, set, [Kenny and Daniel get ready to race] go.

Race Announcer: And they’re off. [A black man and an Asian woman are cheering for the race] [As Kenny and Daniel race, Kenny’s car gets on fire.]

Aunt Pinky: Go, go, go. [Cheering for Daniel] [Kenny is running. He’s on fire.]

Kenny: I’m on fire.

Race Announcer: And Daniel wins.

[Daniel crosses the finish line]

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky cheering] You did it.

[Kenny is still on fire and running here and there] [Daniel stands on his car proudly]

Daniel: Wow, I did it. I did it. [Aunt Pinky comes to Daniel][Cut to Aunt Pinky and Daniel]Boys rule.

Aunt Pinky: Wait, no that’s—[Cut to the outro of the show]