[Weekend Update intro playing]
Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]
Colin Jost: Hey, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of President Trump in the left top corner of the screen] This week Americans were hit with the stunning revelation that their president may have possibly lied to them. Trump’s former lawyer [Picture in the left top corner changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen, who I believe is the love child of Cellino and Barnes, [picture in the top left corner changes to Cellino and Barnes] testified in court that Donald Trump [picture changes to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump] continued to work on a deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow well into his presidential campaign. [Picture changes to a screenshot of Trump’s tweet] Trump defended himself saying the deal was, “Very legal and very cool.” That sounds like a craigslist ad for Russian prostitutes. [Picture changes to craigslist ad for prostitues] Number one all-time babes, very legal, very cool, man and we never kill you, only sometimes.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen in the right top corner of the screen with the tag “Weak Person”] President Trump attacked Michael Cohen for pleading guilty to lying to Congress, calling him a weak person. Oh, really, what gave that away, his chin? Doesn’t Donald Trump realize everybody he hires just ends up leaving him or getting fired or locked up? Oh, honey, it’s you. [Picture changes to President Trump] He picks counsel like my cousin Tasha picks baby fathers.
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Saudi Crown Prince and Vladimir Putin in the left top corner of the screen] At this weekend’s G20 summit, President Vladimir Putin greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman with a very enthusiastic high-five. [Cut to a video clip of Vladimir Putin giving Crown Prince a high five] Yeah, [Cut to Colin Jost] super cool. No one killed anyone. They looked like the video of NASA scientists when they found out their probe landed on Mars. [Cut to a video clip of NASA scientists celebrating their success] [Cut to Colin Jost] And then Putin greeted President Trump with as always, a violent sack tap. [Picture changes to President Putin and President Trump. President Trump leaning forward as if hit on the sack] [Picture changes to a baby Trump balloon] And protesters at G20 summit flew a giant baby Trump balloon which in the past Trump had said makes him feel unwelcome. Well, yeah, I mean the balloon was never meant as a tribute. Also saying that balloon is being mean to me is a pretty clear sign of dementia. Worst, Trump also thought that the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade was calling him a [picture changes to big Garfield balloon] huge orange pussy.
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Julian Assage and Paul Manafort in the right top corner] This week it was reported that Julian Assange, who dyes his face to match his hair, met with Paul Manafort in 2016. [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] Manafort denies the meeting ever took place, but I don’t know if trust a guy who looks like he bleeds cologne. Manafort looks like the kind of guy who tells his daughter’s friends, “You really filled out nicely.”
Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the First Lady Melania with many red Christmas trees behind her] First lady Melania Trump was mocked on social media for her white house Christmas display, which this year featured 40 red trees. And sure, those trees look like jagged teeth in the blazing hot mouth of Satan himself. But come on guys, Melania, she needs this. Her only thing is a campaign against bullying that has been used exclusively to bully her. It’s not like most Christmas decorations are super tasteful anyway. I mean if you’ve seen what people put on their lawns? Maybe you think the white house should be full of giant [red trees changes to minion balloons in the picture] inflatable minions? Or how about this lovely [minion balloons change to Santa in an outhouse] Santa in an outhouse. That’s real and cost $150? And also do you think Christmas displays would be better if Hillary had won? [picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton] I mean Bill would be doing the decorating. So that hallway would be just 100% leg lamps. [Picture to a hallway with giants lamps on really nice lady legs]
Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a map picture on the top right corner] American border agents fired tear gas and pepper spray on hundreds of migrants who tried to enter the country illegally through Tijuana. Giving migrants a fun preview of what it’s like to be a minority in America. [The picture changes to President Trump] Trump defended the border saying they used safe tear gas. Wait, there’s been safe tear gas this whole time? Boy, black people are going to be upset when they find out about this.