Space Station Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 6

Captain Ed McGovern….Steve Carell

Lieutenant Becker….Leslie Jones

Lieutenant Sussman….Mikey Day

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut)….Ego Nwodim

Teacher Hailey (Tillman Middle School, Wyoming)….Aidy Bryant

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio)….Alex Moffat

Frozen Astronaut…Kate McKinnon

[Intro of NASA Television]

Captain Ed McGovern: [Cut to Sussman, Becker, and Ed] Hello, earthlings and happy space day. Captain Ed McGovern broadcasting live from the international space station to over 5,000 K through 8 science classrooms across the U.S.A. As I am joined by Lieutenant Sussman and Becker.

Lieutenant Sussman: Hi.

Lieutenant Becker: Hey!

Captain Ed McGovern: There’s also some Russian cosmonauts on board. It’s a party up here. Get back to work, bums.

Lieutenant Sussman: Okay. Bye-bye. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: I can’t wait to answer some of your questions about space and science. Let’s start with Paulson Middle School in Connecticut.

Kid (Paulston Middle School, Connecticut): [A student appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, what kind of experiments are you doing up there?

Captain Ed McGovern: Great question. We are actually studying how animals adapt to space, and we have funny monkey friends up here helping us out. Thanks for your question, star student. Okay, next. [Sound of a blast] God, mother of god. Oh, what happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman comes in the screen] Sorry about that.

Captain Ed McGovern: What happened?

Lieutenant Sussman: There was an airlock breach in the bio lab. Got a little chilly in there but everything is fine now.

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Sussman: What’s up?

Captain Ed McGovern: Are the animals alright?

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker comes in the screen] I need you right now.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yep. [Sussman and Becker leave]

Captain Ed McGovern: Well, I Apollo-gize about that. Let’s get back to questions. How about Tillman Middle School in Laramie, Wyoming.

Teacher Hailey: [Hailey appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, this is Haley like the comet and like Eminem’s daughter. Um, how big is the space station?

Captain Ed McGovern: That is a great question. It’s about 32,000 square feet. Down this way, there is a long corridor [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] that winds into several works and living stations. [Sussman takes away the monkey] It’s kind of like a floating hamster habitat. Thanks, Haley, make sure that you comet to your studies. Now, let’s go to Orchard Middle School in Ohio.

Teacher (Orchard Middle School, Ohio): [Teacher appears on the right bottom of the screen] Hi, I’m a teacher. My students and I wanted to ask how you guys make food up there, but we’d like to change our question too, is that frozen monkey okay?

Captain Ed McGovern: What monkey? [frozen monkey floats in front of Ed] Oh. OH! This little guy, it’s Capooka. What are you doing? Yikes, he is cold! Wave hello, to everyone. [Ed tries to wave monkey’s hand but the hand breaks] Oh my god! Oh, god! No, no, no, no. [Sussman takes away that monkey] Okay, goodbye. Capooka! Teacher’s out there if you can mute your classroom TV for just a sec while I attend to some space business, that would be great. So, hit mute now. Sussman, what’s going on with the monkeys?

Lieutenant Sussman: [Sussman stands into the screen] Yes, they all froze.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, Ki Chi?

Lieutenant Sussman: Yeah, Ki Chi hit a wall and shattered.

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, and the cat?

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, the cat is weird. The pressure change caused its face to kind of like suck into itself. Good news is though; he’s alive.

Captain Ed McGovern: That’s not good news! There’s a cat with no face floating around! How bad is it down there?

Lieutenant Sussman: Come, look. [Ed and Sussman go down][Cat with the face looking like a butt hole floats into the screen]

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears on the screen] Cat ain’t got no damn face. [Becker leaves]

Lieutenant Sussman: [Ed and Sussman come again] So what do you want me to do?

Captain Ed McGovern: Just go seal off node three and try to find Svetlana.

Lieutenant Sussman: Yes, sir. [Sussman leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Oh, god! Be aware of your feet, please. Your shoes touched my mouth. Okay. Welcome back. Hey, here’s a fun fact. We are 234 miles above the Earth’s surface. And the view isn’t half bad. Come closer here. Look at that beautiful blue marble Coldef. Isn’t that spect—[Frozon human floats outside of the space ship] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Svetlana! Oh, hey kids, don’t worry. That cosmonaut is fine. The Russians are used to being cold. Sussman, get on the crane. [Sussman comes and controls the arm of the spaceship]

Lieutenant Sussman: She’s so frozen, she might break.

Captain Ed McGovern: So don’t say that, please. Now, kids, what Lieutenant Sussman is doing is trying to give her just a little nudge back towards the hatch.

Lieutenant Sussman: If I do bring her in, it’ll be in pieces.

Captain Ed McGovern: Try harder, and please don’t say that.

Lieutenant Becker: [Becker appears nodding her head] I’m sorry, kids, this is a bad day for space. [Becker leaves]

Captain Ed McGovern: Okay. Who wants to hear a space joke? What is an astronaut’s favorite drink? A root beer float!

Lieutenant Sussman: Oh, my god, she’s breaking like a saltine.

Captain Ed McGovern: Will you cut the god damn feed!

RV Life | Season 44 Episode 6

Dad….Steve Carell

Mom….Heidi Gardner

Son….Mikey Day

Daughter….Aidy Bryant

 

[There’s a place full of RV vans]

Dad: Honey, I just heard [Cut to husband and wife inside an RV van] the kids pull up.

Mom: Oh, my babies!

Dad: Hey, there they are! [Kids open the door and dad welcomes them in] You found us!

Daughter: Dad. Mom.

Dad: How are you?

Son: Good to see you. [Kids are getting in very uncomfortably] How are you?

Daughter: Wow, mom and dad. [dad and mom sit on the seat while the kids stay standing]

Son: Wow, you weren’t kidding. [Cut to the kids looking around] This is definitely an RV.

Daughter: Yeah, yeah. They’re all so similar, we found you by your license plate, ex-banker.

Mom:  [Cut to dad and mom] Yeah, ex-banker. Ex-interior designer.

Dad: Current RVers. It’s hard to believe.

Mom: Yeah, it’s pretty cool.

Dad: Six months ago, I came home, and I told your mom, I don’t want to work anymore and she said okay.

Son: [Cut to the kids] You were cool with that, mom?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies with squeaky voice] Oh, yeah, I love it.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Really?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies with more squeaky voice] Yeah. Yeah.

Dad: You know, it’s so freeing to purge your possessions. You know, it just feels great.

Mom: [Mom talking in squeaky voice] Yeah. Oh, yeah. I- I- I love it.

Dad: She loves it. She loves it so much I almost so much I forget whose idea it was.

Mom: It was yours.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Yeah, dad. You really look like you’re in your element.

Dad: [Cut to dad and mom] Oh, I sure am. Today I jogged butt naked around the lake: just socks and crocs, real man stuff.

Son: [Cut to the kids] And you’re having fun, mom?

Mom: : [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies looking the other way] Oh, sure. Yes. I love it.

Son: Mom, can- can you [Cut to the kids] look at us when you say that?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies facing the kids but closing her eyes] I love it.

Daughter: [Cut to the kids] Okay. Can you open your eyes when you say it?

Mom: [Cut to dad and mom] [Mom replies opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling] I love it. I just love sitting back here.

Daughter: Oh, you don’t sit up front?

Dad: No, no, no. [Cut to the kids looking around being confused] That’s where lady gray sits.

Son: [Cut to dad and mom] Who is lady gray?

Dad: Well, the love of our life. Our great dane, lady gray. [Cut to everybody in the RV van] [Dad opens the door, and the dog comes in] Lady gray, come on in here! Come on in here lady gray!

Daughter: Jesus!

Dad: Oh!

Mom: That’s a good girl. Yeah.

Dad: Lady gray sits up front because she gets carsick back here.

Mom: I get carsick too, but I love it. [Cut to dad and mom] Come here, lady gray! [Cut to everybody in the RV van] [Mom goes up to the dog to play with her] Hi, girl. Hi! Did you know a dog can punch you? [Cut to dad and mom]

Son: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] Where does the dog sleep?

Dad: Oh, your mom’s bed.

Mom: Yeah, and I sleep here. [Cut to mom, leaning on the table to show how she sleeps]

Daughter: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] I’m sorry, where did you get a great dane?

Dad: Well, from our new RV friend, Jibs. [Jibs opens the door and comes inside]

Jibs: I’m coming. You called me?

Mom: Well, we said your name, so yeah.

Dad: Yeah, Jibs here showed us how to work the dump station.

Jibs: Let’s just say I’m well versed. I showed my little robin egg here how to take the upper hose from the RV dump tank to the vice clamp and the community receptor tank.

Dad: Yes, well, your mom does that stuff. She likes it. It’s the only thing I really don’t like.

Son: I don’t think mom likes any of this.

Daughter: Yeah, mom, you hate dogs.

Mom: I love it. [Cut to mom caressing the dog]

Daughter: I don’t think you do.

Dad: [Cut to everybody in the RV van] Oh, she does love it, right honey?

Mom: Yeah, I love it! I love it!

Dad: [Cut to mom and dad] Honey look at me in the face. Honey–

Mom: [mom nodding her head here and there] I love it.

Dad: Look, look at me in the– look at me in the eyes.

Mom: [Mom looks dad in his eyes] This is hell! You’re awful! And I hate it! I couldn’t hate it more. It’s horrible. It’s horrible!

Dad: What are you trying to say?

Mom: I don’t love any of it.

Jibs: [Jibs comes in the middle of dad and mom] Is this a bad time to tell you all lady gray is pregnant.

RBG Rap | Season 44 Episode 6

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Yo, this countryman or woman. It’s crazy. (Crazy)

[Cut to someone coming out of the car showing the shoes] You know there’s only like one lady holding [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] the whole damn thing together right?

[Cut to a lady walking towards the court] And you think some broke ribs are going to keep her down? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] Hell no, and hell no. This is for you, RBG.

[Cut to shots of attorneys in front of the court]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Live Ginsburg and I …

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping with RBG]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

LLive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburgive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd start to rap]

Her name’s RBG and she born in BK

running the Supreme Court killing it since 33.

She went to law school she was first in her class

If she ever wants a date, I plead the court on that ass

she was out there on the strip okay,

telling Trump “Delete your account!”

Fighting for women’s rights, equal right, she [beep]

she work for presidents, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton,

she’s experienced as she should be president

because Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg, where Brooklyn at?

The court is the stage write dissent that throws shade

tell Trump stay out her way, don’t [beep] with my Roe V Wade (precedents)

Supreme courts a boys club she holds it down no cares given

who else got six movies about them and still living

she’s brass knuckles tough her scared got to be kidding me

pour one out for my retired homie Anthony Kennedy

survived the depression and Twitter attacks from Trump

broken rib cage stop her before she eats that for lunch

(Live Ginsburg )

Now you know who I am.

I just snapped on these bars like the gins at a bar exam

Ya Putx

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Now you know we love RBG. Yo, tell them your favorite RBG decision dog. I don’t know. Come on.

Message from Jeff Bezos | Season 44 Episode 6

Jeff Bezos…Steve Carell

[Narrator speaking, Amazon company logo on the left side and ‘A MESSAGE FROM JEFF BEZOS’ written on the right side of the screen.] And now a message from Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos.

[Cut to Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking in front of the Amazon company’s backdrop]

Jeff Bezos: Hi everyone. As you know, Amazon just announced the location of it’s two new headquarters in [Cut to short clip of New York and Vircinia] New York and Virginia. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] And everyone, except or the people who live there and the people who live in all of the places we didn’t choose, is thrilled. Some folks have speculated that I was somehow trolling president trump by building one headquarters in his hometown of [Cut to Short clip of Queens] Queens and the other in his current residence of [Cut to Short clip of White House], Washington D.C. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] thereby overshadowing or humiliating him. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and moving forward slowly in an Amazon warehouse] But that’s simply not true. Sure, he attacked me repeatedly on twitter [Cut to showing screenshots of President Trump’s tweets], but I chose our new locations because they were ideal for a growing business, not just to make Donald Trump think about how I’m literally 100 times richer than he is.

[Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] We needed access to a young, educated workforce, which is why we set up a [Cut to Picture of a map showing Florida] satellite office in Palm Beach, Florida, across the street from Mar-A-Lago. [Cut to Jeff Bezos sitting on a sofa, speaking with a newspaper in his hand, showing the news] And did I purchase “The Washington Post”? Sure. But it was just to run headlines like the White House is in a meltdown or [Cut to Close shot of the news] immigration lawyers suing “The Apprentice” for president Trump’s use of the N-word. I also like the style section. [Cut to Close shot of style section of the newspaper where there is a picture of Donald Trump playing tennis].

[Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and speaking] But the real reason I wanted to talk to you today has nothing to do with Donald Trump, who publicly attacked our company [Cut to Screenshot of President Trump’s tweet appears on the screen] for exploiting the post office. I’m here to announce a brand-new delivery option that doesn’t involve the post office at all, Amazon Caravan. Any package going to Trump’s building will get delivered by hundreds of Honduran and Mexican immigrants, and I will pick up the bill. Unless you order “The Art Of The Deal,” [Cut to The book ‘The Art Of The Deal’ written by Donald Trump appears on the screen] that costs more to ship because it’s heavier. I guess it’s the only book with four chapter 11s.

[Cut to Clip of Drone with Amazon branding taking off] We’re ready to launch drone deliveries too [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking], but testing has shown the customers find drones scary and impersonal. That’s why I’m outfitting each and every drone with human hair. [Cut to A drone with a wig that looks like President Trump’s hair] The style of the hair was completely random. I just wanted something that looked so silly, and everybody knew it was fake, and the drove should just give up and shave his head like a real man would. [Cut to Jeff Bezos walking and the pictures hung behind him are a picture of him with Kanye West and a picture of him and Kim Jong-Un] And I want to make sure to give back to the new communities for joining. That’s why I’m purchasing a building in Queens that used to be the crown jewel of Fred Trump’s real estate empire and converting it into [Cut to Picture of public urinals] public urinals. [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] And in Virginia, we’ll be very close to [Cut to cartoon map of Amazon office across the street from Arlington National Cemetery] Arlington National Cemetery [Cut to Jeff Bezos speaking] so we can pay our respect to fallen veterans even when it’s raining outside. Thanks to Mr. Trump, Amazon’s future is brighter than ever. [Cut to Jeff Bezos turns on the switch, and it turns on the light that says ‘Amazon’ on the White House building] [Cut to Branding logo of Amazon SickBurn] This has been a sick burn by Jeff Bezos.

GP Yass | Season 44 Episode 6

Husband….Steve Carell

Wife….Heidi Gardner

GPS Voice (American Male)….Kenan Thompson

[A car is driving on a highway][Cut to husband and wife inside the car, husband driving]

Normal GPS voice: You will reach your destination [Cut to GPS device] in six hours.

Husband: This is the worst, [Cut to husband and wife] miles of gray highway with this [Cut to husband] monotone lady giving directions.

Wife: How about [Cut to wife] we switch modes on the GPS?

Husband:  [Cut to husband] Switch modes?

Wife: [Cut to wife] Yeah, look, there’s American male, American female, and [Cut to GPS device] this one, drag entertainer.

Husband: [Cut to husband and wife] Well, that sounds unusual and fun. [Cut to GPS device][Wife turns on drag entertainer][Disco lights and music starts inside the car]

Speaker 4: Yes, queen, [Cut to husband surprised] [Cut to wife enjoying] I’m gagging on this scenic byway I’m giving you. [Cut to GPS device]

Speaker 5: [Cut to GP-YAS commercial] Introducing GP-YAS, with the popularity of RuPaul’s drag race, Garmen has extended our voice options to include drag entertainers. Let GP-YAS [Cut to husband and wife] turn your unstimulating trip into a sickening one.

Wife: Look, honey, the icon for the car is a [Cut to GPS device] glamour link fingernail.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three characters of GP-YAS] Entering school zone!

Speaker 4: Bitch, slow your ass down [Cut to husband and wife], so you don’t squash a child flat like a squirrel. [Cut to husband surprised]

Wife: [Cut to wife] Even the warnings are enjoyable.

Husband: [Cut to husband] I can’t see the map, but don’t care.

Speaker 5: [Cut to three male strippers dancing] GP-YAS keeps updated on traffic alerts [Cut to wife enjoying] and disaster areas.

Speaker 6: [Cut to three GP-YAS characters] Disaster area up ahead!

Speaker 7: It’s a damn mess.

Wife: [Cut to husband and wife] Oh, honey, I think you missed the exit.

Speaker 4: [Cut to GPS device] Turn around. Turn around!

Husband: [Cut to husband] You go, girl. What did I say?

Speaker 7: You arrived!

Speaker 8: [Cut to the stage of SNL, a singer is performing]Just make it fun and free [husband and wife get out of the car and joins in the stage dancing] you’re gonna live forever, follow me to the ends of the earth we’re going it together. Yes, yes. G to my P to my YAS!

Speaker 5: [GP-YAS commercial playing] GP-YAS, Sold in any town where there’s still a circuit city.

Friends-giving | Season 44 Episode 6

Charles…Kenan Thompson

Beth….Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a house in a peaceful neighborhood]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my goodness, the food looks [Cut to everybody having thanksgiving] and smells amazing.

Leslie Jones: Charles, you made it. Stop fishing for compliments.

Beck Bennett: Well it does look great!

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, what are we waiting for? Let’s eat.

Cecily Strong: Oh guys. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Thanks again for letting your new neighbor tag along to your Friendsgiving.

Steve Carell: Hey, I’m a straggler too.

Cecily Strong: Oh, cool.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] That’s what neighbors are for.

Steve Carell: Yeah, [Cut to Cecily and Steve] I’m secretly happy that my flight was canceled because I’m afraid of my parent’s dog. It’s like a poodle wolf, it knocks me down, and dominates me.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] That’s weird. You know what I’ve been thinking about, there are no thanksgiving songs.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] Are there none?

Kenan Thompson: No, there are some. I mean what about “Coming around the mountain”?

Beck Bennett: Oh, [Cut to Kate and Beck] it’s not really a thanksgiving song.

Cecily Strong: No, [Cut to Cecily and Steve] what about the [Cecily starts humming the song]

Steve Carell: Oh yeah, like the rock song. [Steve starts humming]

Cecily Strong: Yeah [dug dug dug…]

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Cecily and Beck] I guess that proves there’s no famous thanks giving songs.

Cecily Strong: No, no. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] This one’s famous. You know it.

Caught his eye on turkey day as we both bake pumpkin pie

Steve Carell: She flashed a little smile my way can she tell I am shy.

Cecily Strong: Yes, that’s it, yes! [Cut to Leslie and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. No, I definitely don’t know that one. Why don’t we just eat?

Steve Carell: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Oh no, you know it. Hey, you know what? Why don’t you sing the girl’s parts, and I’ll sing the guy’s parts.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, great, we’ll sing it and then they’ll know it.

Steve Carell: Yeah.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] You guys don’t have to do this. We don’t have to know.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] I took his hand

Steve Carell: She took my hand

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: We walked into the shed

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] And you two don’t know each other?

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] No.

Our clothes came off we never said a word

Steve Carell: My thing got scared and my face got red

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] This is not a thanksgiving song.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Why, what do you mean?

Steve Carell: No, well, it takes place on turkey day, it’s actually kind of a—

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: Cool, sad story.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] His thing got scared?

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] Yeah, cause he’s shy.

Beck Bennett: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Okay, we trust you, yeah, it’s a famous thanksgiving rock song.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] You know it if you’d heard the music.

Steve Carell: Oh, you know what? I saw a synthesizer in the closet when I was hanging up my coat. Okay.

Kenan Thompson: You know what, [Cut to Cecily, Steve, Leslie and Kenan] I don’t think that has any batteries actually.

Cecily Strong: I have double As right here.

Steve Carell: Oh, perfect. [Cut to Cecily and Steve] You ready?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, yeah.

Cecily Strong: Side my side in the nude

That’s how we spent our night

Steve Carell: Never touching sometimes crying
pretending we’re all right

Cecily Strong: His thing woke up

Steve Carell: For just a sec

Together Cecily Strong and Steve Carell: But then got scared again [Cut to Leslie and Kenan]

Cecily Strong: The sun came up [Cut to Cecily and Steve] the squirrel walked in

Steve Carell: We laughed and cried again

Cecily Strong: Wait, then there’s a spoken part.

Steve Carell: Oh yeah.

Cecily Strong: “It’s morning, I have to go.”

Steve Carell: “But I’m embarrassed. I failed you!”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Are they German?

Kenan Thompson: [Cut to Leslie and Kenan] Yeah, they don’t even have thanksgiving there.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Steve] “You didn’t fail me. You tried your best, and I love you. Goodbye!”

Steve Carell: “Wait, what’s your name? Wow! What a turkey day night!”

I never saw her face again

Cecily Strong: And she never saw his thing

Steve Carell: Now every turkey day that comes

Together Cecily Strong, Steve Carell and Leslie Jones: [Leslie joins Cecily and Steve] They have this cool rock song to sing.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, so you know this?

Leslie Jones: Yes, I guess I do!

Beck Bennett: [Cut to Kate and Beck] Oh, wait, is it this? [Kate and Beck standing up]

Now every turkey day that comes

Kate McKinnon: They think of how they missed their chance

Kenan Thompson: [Cut to Kenan] Our lives are short, our love is real

Everybody: [Cut to everybody singing and dancing] Now we do the turkey dance

Our lives are short and love is real

Now we do the turkey dance.

Kenan Thompson: Wow, man I can’t believe we all knew that song.

Steve Carell: [Cut to Steve] Or maybe it was just the magic of thanksgiving. [Cut to everybody. Cecily is missing] Wait, where did she go? She’s gone. Just like the song.

Kenan Thompson: Where did you friend go Beth?

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Beth and Beck] She wasn’t with me. I thought you knew her.

Beck Bennett: No.

Steve Carell: She was the love of my life.

Leslie Jones: Well, our car keys are gone.

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate and Beck] And didn’t you have a TV there?

Beck Bennett: I think she stabbed me! Does that look like a stab?

Steve Carell: [Cut to Steve] Life is short and love is rare [Cut to everybody]

Leslie Jones: Stop singing, call the police!

Steve Carell: Now we do the turkey dance.

Beck Bennett: I’m bleeding real bad. I’m bleeding bad. Oh.

Disney | Season 44 Episode 6

Dad….Steve Carell

Son 1….Mikey Day

Daughter 1….Melissa Villaseñor

Son 2….Pete Davidson

Daughter 2….Aidy Bryant

[Four kids are sleeping. Dad turns on the light and wakes them up.]

Dad: Kids, kids, wake up. I have a big news.

Son 1: Dad, it’s in five o’clock in the morning.

Daughter 1: Why is dad in here?

Dad: [Cut to dad] Because it’s time for you to pack your bags. We’re going to Disney World.

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Disney world?

Daughter 2: Yes, that’s so nice, but you don’t have to cheer us up. We already know that mom’s leaving you.

Dad: [Cut to dad] She what?

Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] Don’t worry.

Son 1: Yeah, we’re fine with it.

Dad: What are you talking about?

Son 1: [Cut to son 1] My god, does he not know?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] No, no, no. He has to know.

Son 2: [Cut to dad and two sons] He’d be idiot if he didn’t know.

Daughter 1: The whole town knows. [Cut to Daughter 1] It’s in the newspaper.

Son 1: The messed-up part is dad is the one who introduced each of them to one another?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Introduced who? What’s happening? [Cut to everybody in the room]

Son 1: No, is our dad dumb?

Son 2: Yeah.

Daughter 2: He didn’t even notice when the cat ran away, we replaced it with a dog.

Dad: You what? My cat?

Daughter 1: What is wrong with him?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Okay, enough. Have some respect. I am your father.

Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] I mean, not technically.

Dad: What does that mean?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I mean, how can we know all of this and our dad has no idea.

Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] You mean your dad!

Dad: [Cut to Dad] All right, how about this. Why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on here and I will still take you to Disney world.

Son 1: [Cut to Son 1]We were just at Disney world.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] You were?

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2]Yeah, for Jeremy’s birthday.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Jeremy?

Son 2: [Cut to Jeremy] Me. Does he not know our names?

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Wait, wait, if you were at Disney, where was I?

Son 2: [Cut to Dad and two sons] We assumed you were coming but then we realized mom didn’t invite you.

Daughter 2: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, and we were like why are we at Disney World with dad’s boss?

Son 2: Yeah, is dad as boss, [Cut to Son 2] Ron going to be with us the whole trip?

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] It was pretty clear he and mom were sleeping together.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’m so confused, I can scream right now.

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Actually, why are we whispering?

Dad: I don’t want to [Cut to Dad] wake up your mother.

Son 1: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Dad, she’s definitely not here.

Dad: What?

Daughter 1: [Cut to two daughters] Yeah, she’s been gone or a month. She lives in Arizona with Ron and in four days, so will we.

Dad: [Cut to Dad] Oh, I’d love to go too, Arizona. I’ve never seen the ocean.

[Cut to Son 1 looking confused]

Son 1: Dad, and I mean this, what the hell is wrong with you?

Dad: [Cut to Dad and two sons] Okay, okay. Listen, [Dad walks up to Jeremy and sits beside him] I have something, I want to tell you guys. Things haven’t been going well with your mom.

Son 2: Jesus, dad.

Dad: I think she might be cheating on me.

Daughter 2: [Cut to Daughter 2] I can’t do this again.

Dad: [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Maybe with my friend Dave.

Son 2: It’s [Cut to everybody in the room] Ron!

Dad: But I’m giving up because you kids are four miracles. You’re my miracles. [Cut to Dad and Jeremy] Especially since your mother and I have only done it twice.

Son 2: All right, dad, I think that’s enough.

Dad: Okay, you’re right. All right. [Cut to everybody in the room] I’m going to bed. I have a big day today. Gonna surprise my kids with a trip to Disney.