Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks] [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]

HSN | Season 44 Episode 7

Male host… Kenan Thompson

Becky… Claire Foy

Tamara VanBurke… Cecily Strong

Charlene VanBurke… Aidy Bryant

[Intro of HSN playing] [Cut to HSN hosts in their show set]

Kenan: Well, Becky, bad news, we have officially sold out of the Candace Cameron Bure [Cut to the book male host is holding] Full Body shape wear sets.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: I knew that would happen. They were too good to last.

Kenan: And you know who got the last pair? Me. I got ‘em on right now.

Becky: Oh, you little stinker. You look dynamite.

Kenan: They’re smashing my wiener. But I like the feeling, and I love the look.

Becky: All right. [Kenan throws the book away] Now, we are moving on to a brand new vendor here at “HSN.” Her name is Tamara VanBurke, and she’s going to be showing us her ‘Teeny Adorables.’

Kenan: Well, that’s right. Let’s get it out here.

[Tamara comes in]

Becky: Hi Tamara.

Kenan: Hey Tamara.

Becky: Good to have you.

Tamara VanBurke: Can I just say I’m having like a real fangirl moment. [Cut to Tamara] I watch you guys every day. Don’t be scared but I know like, everything about you.

[Cut to everbody]

Becky: Oh you are too sweet.

Kenan: Yeah, why don’t you tell us about your Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: OKay. They’re very small. [Cut to Tamara] Just a little bigger than a tiny grain of rice. Sorry, my heart is beating so fast. They’re one of a kind, ceramic gifts. Guaranteed to be unique since I make only one of each kind. And there are over 800.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: And you’re a one-woman operation? Amazing.

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, yes, [Cut to Tamara] it’s just me with tiny tweezers, little magnifying glasses, all night long for hours.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Wow, and you brought them all with you today?

Tamara VanBurke: Yes, I did. They’re right in my case. [Tamara looks behind and starts looking for her case] Where is—[Cut to Tamara] my god. Oh, no, oh, god. Oh god, I was– I was so excited about being here that I left them in the flipping Uber! I’m stinking idiot.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: Okay. Okay, just hang on sweety.

Kenan: Yeah, maybe sounds like maybe you forgot those Teeny Adorables?

Tamara VanBurke: Maybe? No. I left them in the tea bag [Cut to Tamara. Tamara is pissed off] in Uber because I’m a stupid butthole bitch.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Okay, sweetie. Think you might be being a little hard on yourself.

Becky: If they’re in the Uber, maybe we can just give him a call.

Tamara VanBurke: No. No, [Cut to Tamara] I’m sure he’s got them. Because for some freaking reason I had to open my fat mouth and brag and tell him they were over $100,000. Why Hubris god, eat my ass to hell!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Okay, well, [Cut to everybody] you know what sweetheart, I’ve seen these collectibles.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara leans her head on the table] Oh, bitch!

Becky:  And I think I can just tell everybody what they look like.

Tamara VanBurke: [Tamara losing control] Oh my brain sucks.

Becky: There’s one that looks like a tiny circle of camels just like for Jerusalem times.

Tamara VanBurke: God sucking loser!

Becky: And they’re just having the nicest little conversation.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: Okay, all right, I think you’re starting to scare me a little bit.

Becky: Maybe we just need to—

Tamara VanBurke: Need to what, kill me? Oh, please, you know what? [Cut to Tamara] That would actually be a favor because frankly, I am too much of a little chicken dump to do it myself.

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Becky: Our phones are lighting up like crazy but remember folks, there’s nothing to buy.

Tamara VanBurke: Chicken dump loser!

[Charlene, Tamara’s mother, comes in on her wheelchair]

Charlene VanBurke: What the hell are you doing out here?

Tamara VanBurke: No, please mother, [Cut to everybody] do not pile on right now.

Kenan: So, this is your mother?

Becky: Well, that’s fine, isn’t it?

Charlene VanBurke: Well I told her she was incapable of [Cut to Charlene] handling stuff like this–

Tamara VanBurke: Mother get out of here.

Charlene VanBurke: [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] She can’t focus because she has no concentration.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh god, crack ass.

Charlene VanBurke: Her thoughts don’t connect to anything.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh my dumb ass, lie.

Charlene VanBurke: Now, did she tell you about her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: Mother, stop!

Becky:  [[Cut to Kenan and Becky] What’s wrong with her eyes?

Tamara VanBurke: I can only [Cut to Tamara] see shadows!

Charlene VanBurke: Yes. [Cut to everybody] Yes, you ruined them making those dumb tiny things.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, my dog balls, lie!

Charlene VanBurke: Yeah, [Cut to Tamara and Charlene] I sat behind her every night as she bent over those little Dodads.

Tamara VanBurke: Oh, crack my ass!

Charlene VanBurke: And I said, no one is ever, ever going to buy one of those little clowns. [Cut to everybody] And now she needs surgery, ‘cause her eyes are junk’.

Tamara VanBurke: Out! Get out! No! Don’t back up! Out! You out! Out! Out!

[Cut to Kenan and Becky]

Kenan: Well, this was great.

Becky: It sure was. [Cut to Kenan, Becky, and Tamara]And we wish you luck with your surgery.

Tamara VanBurke: No, no surgery! I was going to pay for it with the money I got from here.

Becky: Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Tamara VanBurke: Ass.

Kenan: All right, we’ll stick around because our next hour we’ll have Charlene VanBurke her big old adorables.

[Charlene comes in again with a toy that looks like snowman]

Tamara VanBurke: What? Mother!

Charlene VanBurke: My big adorables are cute and Christmasy, and I didn’t forget them.

[Cut to everybody]

Becky: So stay tuned right here to HSN, the homosexual shopping network.

Kenan: It’s home shopping network.

Becky: Is it? Okay. If you say so. We’ll be right back.

[HSN outro plays]