New Orleans Vacation | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Phil…Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dierdre… Heidi Gardner

Raynolds… James McAvoy

Beck Bennett

Waitress… Ego Nwodim

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]

Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.

Phil: Should we just call it a night?

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.

Dierdre: Hey.

[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]

Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.

John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.

[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]

Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.

Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.

Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. N’orleans, no.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum

Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Aidy: He just said he was from there.

Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.

Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.

[Cut to everyone]

John: Can we get the check?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.

Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Is that true Phil?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.

[Cut to everyone]

Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?

Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?

Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.

Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: Up? Straight up?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.

Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.

Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: A trash bag?

Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?

Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I lived there.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: Jumbo?

Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.

Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.

[Cut to everyone.]

Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave] [A waitress walks]

Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?

Waitress: No.

Mr. H | Season 44 Episode 8

Marcus… Chris Redd

Mr. H… James McAvoy

Craig… Pete Davidson

Tunee… Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with intro with written message, ‘What does a teacher make? A difference. –Taylor Mali’] [Cut to guys in street corner]

Marcus: Who this?

[Cut to Mr. H stopping by the car]

Tunee: Look at this dude.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Is that Mr. H? [Cut to Mr. H coming out of the car] That’s my teacher from school. [Cut to Marcus] What he doing out here?

[Cut to Mr. H and Marcus walk up to each other]

Mr. H: Hey, I thought I might find you here. Haven’t seen you in school much lately.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yeah. Let me guess. You came all the way down here to bring me back. Right? What’s the point, Mr. H? You think I’m going to be some big college success story?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Is that so crazy?

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: You’re watching too many movies. Dude. Brave teacher comes down to the hood to save his gifted student from the streets, right? What. Next I’m going to hear, Marcus. You’ve got potential.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: You do.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Right, and next, Marcus you’re smart?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: You are smart.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Then it’s like, Marcus, you’re a genius. [Cut to Mr. H with expression of disagreement] [Cut to Marcus expecting Mr. H to repeat what he says] Marcus, you’re a genius.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Ahh.

[Cut to Marcus expecting Mr. H to repeat what he says]

Marcus: Why can’t you see you’re a genius, Marcus?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Genius is thrown around a little too much these days. But I will say you are very bright and [Mr. H takes an envelope out] I brought you this. It’s your S.A.T. results.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Man, I threw that in the trash.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: And I took them out. [Cut to Mr. H and Marcus] I think you owe it to yourself to see how you did.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Man, you open it. You’re the only one that cares.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: All right, well, you got an 880.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Out of 900? Here you go. Oh, Marcus, what you doing in these streets when you got a basically perfect S.A.T score?

Craig: No, you didn’t.

Marcus: What do you know about it, Craig?

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I know it’s scored out of 1600, and an 880 is, like, pretty bad.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Shut up, Craig. When you gonna face it, Mr. H? I’m not your hood to Harvard success story, all right?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: No, Harvard is definitely out of the question. But I think with a little studying, you can get it up to 1100.

[Cut to Tunee]

Tunee: That’s still not that good.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yes, it is, Tunee. It’s better than anybody else got out here.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: I actually got like a 1260.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Well, you are buying weed right now. So you can leave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: I’m just waiting for my change. I gave you $100 10 minutes ago. And you still haven’t given me change.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: All right, I got it, man. [Marcus starts calculating on his phone] $60 of weed—

Mikey Day: Are you using a calculator for that?

Marcus: Take away a hundred—

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: It’s 40.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Go smoke your weed, man.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Come on, Marcus.

[Cut to Mr. H and Marcus]

Marcus: No, enough of this bull snaps, bro. I made up my mind. Mr. H. I don’t know why you brought your tie and your shirt down here, man. What more do you want for me?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: I was actually hoping to score some shrooms.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: What?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: I got a bachelor party. I promised my buddies I’d pick up some shrooms. If poss, maybe get them before next Friday?

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: Yeah, I think we could do business.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Nah. This is a test, right? You’re trying to make me learn?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H:  No, it’s definitely not that. I want to try and buy some shrooms. Either from you or somebody you know.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: Yeah, man. Come through tomorrow.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: All right. Marcus, hope to see you in class sometime soon. [Mr. H leaves] [Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yo, Mr. H. Yeah? What did the guidance counselor say?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: About what?

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: After you showed him my essay. He said something to you. What did he say.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: He said that it was a little all over the place.

[Cut to Marcus. Marcus smiles.]

Marcus: Just like me.

The U.E.S. | Season 44 Episode 11

Leslie Jones

James McAvoy

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip, written ‘A message from Leslie Jones’] [Cut to Leslie Jones rapping]

Leslie Jones: In my live, I’ve lived in some of the hardest neighborhoods in America. Comption, Spanish-Harlem. Bed-Stuy. But the neighborhood where I live now, you all don’t know it like I do. This is the Upper East Side, bitches.

It’s the UES where the players play,[Cut to white men standing in front of the Fairway store] White men standing right up the Fairway,
I used to be basic but that was long ago
Now I’m moving on up like the Jefferson show

You think you got a subway? Bitch, we got a Q, [Cut to Leslie rapping in the Q train] The only train longer than World War II,
Always got a seat and it’s clean as hell,
Got that nobody peed in here subway smell.

Aint no drama the car’s strictly mellow
just some working folks and their kids with a cello
Some think it’s sleezy well [bleep] the haters
your train’s got stairs we got excalators

This ain’t harlem ya’ll I got seamless for days [Cut to cab coming to pick up] and a cab outside that comes right away
I order where I want ya’ll can’t stop me
two in the morning bring me salmon and broccoli

think there ain’t no black folks, you mistaken
there’s nannies and nurses and a doorman whose Jamaican
You all thought that at 50 I’d be broke or dead
now I’m a lady from Comption inline for fresh bread

Man, everybody’s balling on the Upper East Side. People from all over the world come to live the UES life. Like the German dude who bakes my bread, [Leslie walks to the door of the bakery and walks in to the baker] hit him up one time.

[Cut to James McAvoy rapping in German accent, with Leslie Jones]

James McAvoy : It’s the UES and I know what you want
got a line out the door for $12 croissant
Five stars on yelp, yeah, you know the sitch
I bake a cherry streudel make zaga my bitch

My father baked bread and my father’s father
you get bread some where else don’t even bother
Ladies got the hookup just ask for Mika (Michael)
I’ll take her to heaven before you had your soul-cycle

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s that East side life.

[Cut to split screen. Leslie Jones is speaking to Kate McKinnon on the phone] Yo, Kate, you think West side is poppin? Come over to UES where it’s all going on.

We could hit the met gala stay

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat

[Cut to the door of café Carlyle]

Leslie Jones: Go to café Carlyle

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat

[Cut to the door of restaurant Daniel]

Leslie Jones: Dine at Daniel

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat
home with my cat
home with my cat
It’s going to be a party when I’m home with my cat
cause I got Netflix and I got a warm cat
Got a warm cat
Got a warm cat
I got a cozy blanket and I got a warm cat

[Cut to Leslie rapping outside the German bakery]

Leslie Jones: It’s the UES where the players play
We got nail salons and diners for days
I used to be basic but that was long ago
Now I’m moving on up like the Jefferson show

There it is. Ues for life. Son. We can’t go back. They say, “Leslie, you forgot where you came from”. Bitch, I live here, because I remember where I came from. Upper East side.

James McAvoy Monologue | Season 44 Episode 11

[Starts with monologue intro of the SNL stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen. James McAvoy.

[James walks in the door and front to the stage, he is wearing a kilt]

James McAvoy: Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am James McAvoy and I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] I’m in the same building as Steve Martin and it truly makes me feel like I’ve made it. I don’t know, some of the more eagle eyed may have noticed I’m wearing a kilt. It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt. And it’s actually very masculine. It’s here to signify our family, and I wear it because my calves are shredded. Plus I’m Scottish. In our country or in this country even, people seem to recognize me from movies like “Star Wars”, like “Christopher Robin”and “Trainspotting”. But those people would be wrong. Because that’s Ewan McGregor. He’s the other Scottish actor. I think it’s actually easy to tell us apart. My eyes are blue. And he’s got more money than me. This might be the first time you heard my native accident. Because in most of my movies my accident is either English crumpet or American hot dog. I’m actually very proud to be from Scotland. For anybody who’s not familiar with my homeland, I thought I’d give you a quick little primer. Scotland is a part of Great Britain, located north of the wall. That’s where the original wildlings came from. Lots of great inventors are from Scotland. The telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, Scottish. The television invented by John Yoeg By Bear, Scottish. And the deep fried mars bar invented by Wee Patrick from down the road who is stoned out of his nut, Scottish. I hope you all have learned something about my beloved Scotland. And before—yeah, I totally lost my place. Thanks very much. Messing up gets a laugh. Thank you. I’ll be doing that all night. And for anybody who’s watching back home, go to bed, it’s six in the morning. We have a brilliant show for you lined up. [Cheers and applause] Meek Mill is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Mr. Tumnus | Season 44 Episode 11

Mr. Tumnus… James McAvoy

Christine… Cecily Strong

Tova… Aidy Bryant

Rebecca… Kate McKinnon

Edmond… Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of the show]

Narrator: And now the chronicles of Narnia, return to Narnia.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus playing flute in his house] [Door knocks]

Mr. Tumnus: Oh, my goodness, who could that be?

[Mr. Tumnus walks to the door and opens it] [There’s Christine outside the door]

Christine: Oh, my god, Mr. Tumnus, is this real? I’m in freaking Narnia meeting Mr. Tumnus.

[Christine slowly walks in]

Mr. Tumnus: Surprise visitor. Very nice. Please sit.

Christine: Okay, this is happening.

Mr. Tumnus: I’m sorry. Have we met before?

[Mr. Tumnus and Christine both sit down]

Christine: No. I mean yes. Okay. Re-do. [Cut to Christine] Hi, I’m Christine. Big fan. I’m staying at an Air B&B and I guess I went through wardrobe and I walked for five hours until I found you. Mr. Tumnus, I watched “The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” in the seventh grade and you’ve become my Back Street boy.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: I see. I was your girlhood crush, correct? Let me guess, it was my nonthreatening masculinity. I’m sort of jacked but still, in a little bit of a British way.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus]

Christine: Yes. I would draw you and I would take liberties. Does that make sense?

Mr. Tumnus: Yes. That tracks, actually. So, tell me about yourself.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, I run a tea shop that sells vaginal teas. But not my career. Look at your hairy legs. [Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus] Who are you? Me? Because I stopped trying years ago? This is going well, I can tell.

[The door knocks] [Mr. Tumnus stands and walks towards the door]

Tova: Christine? Christine?

Mr. Tumnus: Someone’s at the door. They must be looking for you Christine.

[Mr. Tumnus opens the door. Tova and Rebecca walk in.]

Tova: Oh, my god.

Rebecca: Hang on. It’s like, him.

Tova: The Tumnus.

Mr. Tumnus: Friends of your’s, Christine?

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Oh, Mr. Tumnus. I’m Tova.

Rebecca: And I’m Rebecca’s, with, and I just say like, congrats on this.

Mr. Tumnus: Well, would you like to join your friend?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: Wait, wait, wait, up guys are into Tumnus too?

Tova: Oh, full body, yes.

Mr. Tumnus: Christine, don’t be so surprised. [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] You see, hundreds of your kind that visit me here every year, because I suppose in a way  I’ve become an unlikely sex symbol for a very specific sort of woman. Sort of a lazy hermine if you will.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Tova: Oh yes. That is us to a “T”.

Rebecca: Frizzy hair, no cell.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: And to you, I am the perfect combination of man, animal, scarf and flute music.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Okay, I feel seen.

Tova: So, how we do this? All at once? One at a time?

Rebecca: This might be too forward but like, Mr. Tumnus, I want to put my thumbnus in your bumnus.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Please tell me, what brought you to England in the first place.

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Well, we all love old wet history. So we’re doing a girls trip, one last before we all freeze our eggs.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, but I’m not freezing mine because I have to. It’s because I want to. We can try and you wouldn’t have to take care of it, but — Christine shut up– I’m sorry. I might be in a lot right now, today I’ll cry.

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Tumnus: No, seriously, you are lovely [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] but if that is what you truly desire, I must break it to you, that I’m not human.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Yes, we know, and that’s what we like. Mama wants a boyfriend she can pet.

Tova: So goat peeing, what does that look like? I can google it but I’m very scared.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Ladies, ladies, you flatter me with your persistence, but please, I must let you know that I am in fact spoken for. Edmond? Oh, Eddo.

[Cut to everybody] [Edmond walks in]

Edmond: Ah, yes? Does my Tum tum want more Turkish delights?

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Christine: Oh, my god, he’s gay. No wonder he’s my type.

Tova: And this is officially a pattern for me.

[Cut to Edmond]

Edmond: Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re having shakshouka.

[Cut to everybody] [Ladies stand up and leave]

Christine: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. Just cherish each other, okay.

Rebecca: Gals, let’s find ourselves a rebound. Neville longbottom?

Tova: Yes, Neville was the hot one.

Narrator: This has been “The Chronicles of Narnia”

[Ends with an outro]

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray] [Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]

Rachel Brosnahan Solves an SNL Mystery | Season 44 Episode 10

[Black and white video. Starts with Rachel Brosnahan sitting on a chair, thinking and smoking a cigarette]

Rachel Brosnahan: I have seen it many times before. [Cut to Rachel walking down the hall of Saturday Night Live. No one else is there.] Here I was, Saturday Night Live, [She looks at the empty stage] where it all went down. Something was different. [Cut to Rachel is standing on the tage alone] Where was the cast? [Cut to Rachel walks back stage] It felt a little too dead.

[Cut to Rachel sitting on a chair. Kenan runs into her.]

Kenan Thompson: What’s up Rachel? Why are you here on Sunday?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Oh! Sunday. I got to ream my emails more carefully. Why are you here?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, I only get Froosday off.

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Did you just say Froosday?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Exactly. Later!

[Kenan leaves] [Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Case closed.

Rachel Brosnahan Offends Aidy Bryant | Season 44 Episode 10

[Starts with Rachel Brosnahan, Aidy Bryant and the band Greata Van Fleet on stage]

Rachel Brosnahan: Hi, I am Rachel Brosnahan and I am hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guests Greta Van Fleet.

Aidy Bryant: I will also be here too.

Rachel Brosnahan: Aren’t you here every week Aidy?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but that doesn’t make it any less special.

[Cut and retake]

Rachel Brosnahan: Hi, I am Rachel Brosnahan and I am hosting SNL with Greta Van Fleet.

Aidy Bryant: Oh my god. You are so funny on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

Rachel Brosnahan: Oh, thanks Aidy.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m waiting.

Rachel Brosnahan: For what?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe I am funny on this show? [Aidy leaves the stage] [Cut and retake]

Rachel Brosnahan: Hi, I am Rachel Brosnahan and I am hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guests Greta Van Fleet.

Greta Van Fleet: Our best friend is Aidy Bryant.

Aidy Bryant: Nice. That was really good you guys. Rachel, do you want to say it too or–?

Rachel Brosnahan’s New Year’s Monologue | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with intro of SNL monologue]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Brosnahan.

[Rachel walks in the door to the stage] [Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Thank you, thank you very much. You guys, I am so excited to be here. You may know me as “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on the TV show called “West World”. But if you haven’t seen “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”, it’s available on Amazon. Customers who like this bought a meat thermometer and D batteries. You guys, being here is insane. I am so thrilled to be hosting the first “Saturday Night Live” of the new year. [Cheers and applause] We can all agree that last year was not easy, but I for one am looking forward to having fun in 2019.

[Cecily Strong joins Rachel on the stage]

Cecily Strong: Yeah, this year is going to be great. I can feel it.

Rachel Brosnahan: Thanks Cecily. Happy new year.

Cecily Strong: Hey, Rachel. Same to you. Did you make a New Year’s resolution?

Rachel Brosnahan: Actually mine was to host SNL. I’m doing pretty well. What was your’s?

Cecily Strong: To find the killer [Cut to Cecily acting serious] and this year, I will.

[Cut to Cecily and Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re having fun this year.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun in 2019
let’s have fun
out here living the dream
Let’s have fun only smiles no frowns
Let’s have fun 2018 is shut down.♪

Rachel Brosnahan: Shut down.

Cecily Strong: Oh, the government shutdown.

Rachel Brosnahan: And thousands of government employees are not being paid.

Cecily Strong: Neither are we.

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Yes. Lauren told me I wasn’t getting paid this week.

Rachel Brosnahan: Maybe you should call your agent.

Cecily Strong: My who?

[Kenan Thompson joins Rachel and Cecily on the stage]

Kenan Thompson: What’s up? Happy new year! What we doing?

Rachel Brosnahan: What does it look like? We are having fun!

Cecily Strong: Yeah. So much fun.

Kenan Thompson:  Okay. Because I heard a lot of concerned whispering.

Cecily Strong: Nope, not from us.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun a brand new year
let’s have fun it’s a party in here♪
♪Let’s have fun and tonight we’re going to play
we’ll have fun like the ain’t no school today.

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, the teacher’s strike.

Rachel Brosnahan:  Yeah, what is going on with that?

Kenan Thompson: You know what? Teachers don’t get paid enough. Class sizes are too big.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is anything functioning? I mean, you guys,

Cecily Strong:  Brexit. Oh, yeah. Is Europe like over?

Kenan Thompson: You know, I never got to go. And now it’s like closed, I guess.

[Kyle Moony joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Kyle Mooney: What up squad? What are you guys talking about?

Rachel Brosnahan: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Rachel.

Rachel Brosnahan: Can you go back out, and bring out someone who can sing?

Kyle Mooney: Sure, [Kyle tries singing the line] Even though I actually can sing. Hey Aidy.

[Kyle leaves the stage] [Aidy joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, what’s up my dude? I hear you’re having some fun.

Rachel Brosnahan: Yeah, you know it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun I’m giving out free hugs.
Let’s have fun and dancing to my new drug

Cecily Strong: Oh my, speaking of new drugs, have you heard of Krokodil?

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, Krokodil. That’s the Russian prison drug.

Kenan Thompson: Do not google it.

Cecily Strong: Oh, I just did it.

Rachel Brosnahan: I want to see. No! What is that?

Kenan Thompson: You melt.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is that bone?

Cecily Strong: Yeah. that’s bone.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, we got to move. The breaks on the Krokodil. We have to stop focusing on this bad stuff. It’s making us crazy.

Rachel Brosnahan: You’re right, the world is full of great things. We have to remember that.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Babies with glasses and free ice cream
cancelling plans and when dogs have dreams

Cecily Strong: And Krokodil

Aidy Bryant: No.

Cecily Strong: Just to try it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: Let’s have fun

Rachel Brosnahan: This is going to be a great new year and a great show. Guys, Greata Van Fleet is here. Stick around cause we will be right back.

Earthquake News Report | Season 44 Episode 10

Carol Kumdungeon… Kate McKinnon

Randall Fields… Mikey Day

Donald McRonald… Kenan Thompson

Mark Peanus… Kyle Mooney

Dr. Shayna Steele… Rachel Brosnahan

Firefighter… Pete Davidson

Nurse… Aidy Bryant

Julia N… Heidi Gardner

Dr. Donna Diddadog… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9, News at five intro]

Narrator: Action 9, news at five, Nor Cal’s number one choice for news.

[Cut to Carol in her news set]

Carol Kumdungeon: Good afternoon. Our top story, a 4.3 magnitude earthquake rattled Downtown Sacramento this morning, causing some structural damage. Our own Randall Fields is in Capital Plaza. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, besides the ground, what’s shaking over there?

Randall Fields: Well, lots, Carol. And given the severity of the situation, I found that earthquake pun in very poor taste. [Cut to Randall] I’m here at the social security administration building where a proportion of the second floor caved in, trapping several people who are in the legal change of name office below. I’m told the building was especially busy as due to the partial government shutdown, office hours have been limited. Joining me are two gentlemen [Donald and Mark join Randall] who were inside the building, waiting to change their names when the earthquake struck. Please, tell us who you are and what you remember.

Donald McRonald: Yeah, my name is Donald McRonald. And I’m trying to change my last name to Johnson, finally stop all the dumbass childish jokes, when everything just started shaking.

Mark Peanus: Yeah, I don’t even know how I got out. But I’m feeling—very lucky right now.

Randall Fields: And your name sir?

Mark Peanus: Mark Peanus.

Randall Fields: Oh my goodness.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, Im’ sorry. [Cut to Carol] I’m going to have to cut Mr. Peanus here, as we have an update from search and rescue officials at the scene.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a nurse and a firefighter]

Dr. Shayna Steele: I’m Dr. Shayna Steele, triage coordinator for family members. Worried about relatives who were in the change of name office. Here is a list of rescued individuals taken to St. Joseph’s memorial hospital. Lisa Simpson, Bill Kosbie, Mario Pardi, Ty Neadik, Morgan Mindy.

Firefighter: Nanu Nanu. Sorry.

Dr. Shayna Steele: The following people are at Sacramento general. Siblings Gary, Larry and Mary Potter. Tadd Kobell, Ivan Jerganov.

Nurse: You have? That was gross. And I am sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Dr. Shayna Steele: Pete Ophelia and Keith– um… how would you say that?

Firefighter: Ka’weaf. Keith Ka’weaf.

Dr. Shayna Steele: I should mention that we did not know Mr. Ka’weaf was inside so when he came out it was delightful surprise. We will update you as we learn more. Thank you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Okay. Thank you. Let’s check back in with Randall Fields. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, with this earthquake. Any idea who’s at fault?

Randall Fields: Again Carol. I find your earthquake jokes very inappropriate. [Cut to Randall] I am standing here with a civilian [Beck Bennett joins Randall] who helped get lots of folks out safely. Some are even calling him a hero. Mr. Alan Hitler.

Alan Hitler: Oh, please don’t say hero, and please don’t say my last name. Just use an initial.

Randall Fields: Well, [The name tag in the news sayd “A. Hitler, hailed as a hero”] based on your actions today, the only thing you share with the other Hitler is the last name.

Alan Hitler: And unfortunately, some DNA. He’s my great uncle. But everyone’s got that embarrassing relative, right?

Randall Fields: Kind of.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, [Cut to Carol] I am sorry. I hate to interrupt Mr. Hitler who we admire so much, but Dr. Steel has some new information.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a young boy]

Dr. Shayna Steele: Moments ago a search team rescued this young boy who came to the change of name office by himself and didn’t tell his parents because he thought they would be mad. Mom, dad, rest easy. Holden Tudiks is safe. And mind I add, he is a great kid. Holdin Tuiks has got us all laughing down here. [Firefighter walks behind them laughing and clapping] [Cut to Randall and two women victims]

Randall Fields: What a relief for those parents as I am sure they love Holden Tudiks more than anything else in the world. I’m here with two more folks able to get out, thanks to Mr. Hitler. This is Julia and I am not going to say her last name as it sounds very close to the N word.

Julia N: Yes. I should just say that well, it is spelled the same way, it’s actually pronounced like cigar.

Dr. Donna Diddadog: Right, but then it would sound like he’s saying the N word with a British accent.

Randall Fields: I do agree. Sound advice from–

Carol Kumdungeon0: Dr. Donna Diddadog.

Randall Fields: Alright. More with Julia N and Dr. Donna Diddadog, after the break. Carol, back to you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Thank you Randall. Coming up, more on the Situation Downtown where the mayor is scheduled to speak. Stay with us, for Action 9 news, I’m Carol Kumdungeon.