Charmin | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a clip of Plaza Mall] [Cut to Aidy Bryant showing a commercial to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, and that was Charmin Toilet Paper [Cut to AidyBryant] Super Bowl commercial. Hut, hut, wipe. Now, my question for this focus group is, would the commercial you just saw make you want to go with Charmin?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [Kyle Mooney raises his hand]

Kyle Mooney: I just got to say, that commercial was incredible. I’m blown away.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, [Cut to Aidy Bryant] well we’re happy to hear that.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: So like, how’d you get them to do that?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Who?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Well, the bears, of course. Are they like actors or a real family?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, the bears aren’t real. They’re animated.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Ah, animated. Cause they’re animals. Makes sense to me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Anyone else have any thoughts?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [James McAvoy raises his hand]

James McAvoy: Yeah. I thought that the commercial was actually pretty good, [Cut to James McAvoy] but what about something like this? Bear wakes up after a night of raging, right? And bathroom is completely destroyed. Like Chernobyl. And bear’s like, if that’s on the walls, then what’s the deal with my ass? He checks it. It’s totally clean. Charmin’s done its job. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, wow! Very… Just very. Okay, but we aren’t looking for new commercial pitches, just your thoughts on the commercial you just saw. So yes, you sir?

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Well bravo, but perhaps one of the bears is an educated type. Leather bound book, such and so forth. Ladies panties steamed for him?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, we will think about that. Yes. You ma’am?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, couldn’t help but notice the bears were a family of whites?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, the bears aren’t white? They have no race. They’re bears.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: I know they’re white because I’m white. And it is my greatest shame. So chew on this. If I had it my way, I would have been born a wise old Asian man.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Well, how about checking this? Girl bear and boy bear are on date. And things are getting flirty under the table. And girl bear says, meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. She walks in there but the bean burrito that she just had starts destroying her, butt-wise. Alright. And then five minutes later, boy bear walks in, starts rocking her world like he’s got no idea that his lady just deuced it, because the booty is clean. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. She is speechless.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, not in 1 million years.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: I feel like that’s kind of naughty, and also how do you even get the bears to do that, I was thinking?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. The TV screen has a picture of a Charmin bear.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is an image from the commercial, so why don’t you tell me one word comes to mind? Just one word?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Privilege. White. Generational wealth. Cape cod.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Again, one word. Just one word.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay that’s actually very good.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy deuce. Came out clean like an angel. She doesn’t even need to wipe, but she still does as a victory lap, Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Well, I don’t know, honey, it’s yous guy’s bear.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Um, perhaps one of the bears is a captain in the new world, [Cut to Kenan Thompson] and he meets a young native woman, and he teachers her the gentle tongue, and in return she does the forbidden dance of her people. Ooh la, la, la. Ooh la, la, la.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Okay, no. My turn. Alright, bear sits down on a public toilet, right. And the automatic flush goes off while he’s still got his ass on the seat. Alright? So bear gets sucked down into the underworld. Full of pee pee and poo poo creatures. Hideouts things, right? And he has to fight his way back up into the surface world, because it’s his wedding right? And bear finally makes it out, runs to the alter, sees his wife, but check this, she’s one of them, a doo doo creature. Sick body though. They kiss. Charmin.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [Everyone claps]

Kenan Thompson: Incredible man. Great job, dude.

James McAvoy: Thank you.

Kyle Mooney: That should be the commercial.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m going to go ahead, and cut this thing short because it’s been bad and very unhelpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: When do we get our free Charmins, because I needed it like yesterday.

[Ends with a clip of Plaza Mall]

Weekend Update Vatican App | Season 44 Episode 11

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘praying app’ at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: The Vatican has released a new app called Click to pray that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with the Pope Francis, replacing the current app for catholic prayers, [The picture changes to Grinder app] Grinder.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of University of Oklahoma logo at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using the racial slur. What these kids need more than anything is more school, right? I mean, if you hurt somebody in jail, they don’t send you home, they give you more jail. Same idea. Every time these kids do something racist, they should have to spend another year in an even blacker school. They might not like black people after that, but they will be respectful.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of valentines heart shaped candies at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A company that creates the traditional valentine’s day sweetheart candies has gone out of business and will not make them this year. But they had to know they weren’t going to survive long in the #metoo era with candy that says ‘let’s get busy’, ‘squeeze me’ and then all caps demand for consent. [The picture changes to a heart shaped candy saying ‘Say Yes’]

A volunteer at a zoo [The picture changes to Orangutan] in Ohio had his thumb ripped off by an orangutan. So who loves bananas and had three thumbs? This guy.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Beer Spa at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A bar in Iceland opened a beer spa, it includes hot tubs filled with beer. The owners came up with the idea when they thought, there has to be faster way to get a yeast infection.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of UK flag, picture of a woman on skirt and a mobile phone at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Lawmakers in the UK have passed the law banning people from taking upskirt pics of people of people without their knowledge. Great news for [Picture of James McAvoy on his monologue wearing a kilt] tonight’s host.