Month: August 2019

Beauty and the Beast | Season 44 Episode 20

Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson

Beauty… Cecily Strong

Beast… Beck Bennett

Dumbbell…Kyle Mooney

Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson

Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor

Chafe… Pete Davidson

Shake weight… Mikey Day

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.

[Cut to a scene from Beauty and the Beast dancing and Mrs. Potts is singing.]

Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time

true as it can be

barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]

Beauty: Just a little change

small to say the least

Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared

[Cut to Beauty, Beast and Mrs. Potts]

Everybody: Beauty and the beast

Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]

Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.

Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?

Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?

Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?

Beauty: Because you’re a beast.

Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight] Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle?

[Cut to Everybody]

Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.

Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.

[cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: The workout song?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No idea what that is.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.

[Music stars playing]

Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell: 

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop.

Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.

[Mrs. Potts joins]

Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.

Beauty: Your son chip?

Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.

[Chafe joins]

Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.

Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?

Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?

Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!

Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?

Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?

Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?

Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.] Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out?

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?

[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.

Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.

[Beauty leaves]

Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.

Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.

Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.

[Chafe leaves]

Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.

[Cut to Swing weight]

Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime

[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]

a thing you can’t unsee

Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk

I brushed against his junk accidentally

[Cut to Everybody]

Barbell: how would they even mate

strange to say the least

Beast: Don goes in the spout

baby cup comes out

teapot and the beast

Weekend Update: Mother’s Day – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar with May 12 marked at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Sunday is mother’s day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make [The picture changes to an article that says ‘Georgia passes six-week ban.] mandatory.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeff Bezos and his blue moon ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos introduced a new Lunar Lander which he plans to use to send people to the moon by 2024. So to answer your question, no, he isn’t handling the divorce well. [The picture changes to baby names] A new report from the social security administration shows that in 2018 the most popular baby names were Emma and Liam, as in “No, we will not be vaccinating Emma and Liam.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an airport at left top corner.] Colin Jost: A new poll has listed the worst airport in the US as Newark airport. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. You should be very proud. The worst was Newark airport which came in just below [Picture changes to a drowning airplane] the Hudson river.

[Picture changes to the Facebook logo]

Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called ‘The Facebook Murders.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Costco at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole 24 bottles of Hennessey from a local costo. And no need to Google it. He’s black. [Colin coughs while laughing. Michael looks at Colin.] Laughing a little too hard over there.

[The picture changes to a picture of a news article that says ‘Pornstar has sex in self driving car’.]

A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of New Jersey flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Jersey’s governor has ordered liberty state part to remove a Mississippi state flag because it features a confederate symbol. And to better reflect New Jersey’s values they’re replacing it with a flag of Tony Soprano Curb-Stomping the Philly Phanatic.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of ‘I eat ass’ sticker at the back of the truck at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Shortly after a Florida man was arrested for having an “I eat ass” Sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it.

Weekend Update: Trump Lost Over $1 Billion – SNL | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of an article that says ‘Trump tax figures show over $1 billion in business loss’ at left side.]

Well, guys, it turns out that Donald Trump may not be the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump appears to have lost “More money than any other American taxpayer”. Now, I love that during that period when he was losing a billion dollars he had the audacity to write a book [The picture changes to Donald Trump’s book ‘ The art of the deal’] about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now R. Kelly wrote a book on baby-sitting.

[The picture changes to Donald trump]

But somehow there are still Trump supporters who are trying to spin this as a good thing. Look at this clip from Fox and Friends.

[Cut to a video clip of Fox News]

Speaker 3: If anything, you read this and you’re like, “Wow, it’s pretty impressive all the things that he’s done in his life.” It’s beyond what most of us could ever achieve.

[Cut to Colin]

Colin Jost: Come on, Blonde lady. Even you don’t believe that. I mean, you said the last part into your hand. It would be like if I said, “Oh, Donald Trump, he’s such a hard-working president.”

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Trump airlines at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than spirit.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Mitch McConnell at top left corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, who always looks he’s watching a man slowly drown, he said that the Mueller investigation is over and that democrats should shop endlessly re-litigating the 2016 election. Then he went back to trying to repeal Obamacare for literally the 55th time. Because McConnell always does [Colin covers his mouth with his palm] what’s best for the country.

[The picture changes to Donald Trump JR.]

The republican-led senate intelligence committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. to testify about his meeting with Russian officials. And so that he didn’t feel left out, [The picture changes to Eric and detective Pikachu.] Eric got a subpoena from detective Pikachu.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of Donald Trump and China’s country outline at right top corner]

Michael Che: President Trump escalated his trade war with China on Friday. And as a proud father of over 500 pairs of sneakers this really worries me. China makes everything I need to survive. Shoes, hoodies, fake Louis Vuitton, beef and broccoli. Rush hour. Even when I see a tag on something that says made in America, that tag was probably made in China.

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump held a rally in the Florida Panhandle this week and it was exactly what you’re imagining.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Who’s coming the United States? So these countries put people in a basket like little—who is it? Who is it? Big strong rivers, it’s snake country. You’ve got to like snakes a lot. Young man buttigieg. Boot-edge-edge. They say edge-edge. So, always keep your eyes open. Be careful. And let law enforcement know when you see a Kook.

[Cut to Colin. He is on his phone.]

Hello, Kook squad?

[Colin puts his phone down]

I know that speech didn’t sound very eloquent, but for the Florida Panhandle it was basically Gettysburg address. And if you think that’s harsh about the Panhandle, just listen to this fun exchange about migrants at the border.

[Cut to a clip of Dona’d Trump’s speech]

But how do you stop these people? You can’t. [Someone in the crowd screams “Shoot them”.] There’s not—that’s only in the Panhandle you can get away with that statement.

[Cut to Colin]

Trump’s just like I love you guys in the Panhandle. Y’all murderous snake freaks.

[The picture changes to Melania Trump]

This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s be best anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends.

[Cut to Michael. There is a picture of White House honoring ceremony at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump welcomed the Boston Rex Sox to the White House in honor of their world series win. However, most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said trump, “Perfect.”

[Cut to Colin. There is a picture of Cory Booker and a LinkedIn logo at left top corner.] Cory Booker will attend a fund-raiser hosted by the founder of LinkedIn, making Booker the first person to actually accept an invitation [The picture changes to email spam from LinkedIn] from LinkedIn.

Weekend Update: Bailey Gismert on Summer 2019 Movies | Season 44 Episode 20

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Avenger’s Endgame has made over $2.4 billion worldwide. A strong kickoff for summer blockbusters. Here to comment is teen movie critic and star of her very own youtube channel Bailey at the movies, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey joins Michael]

Hi, Bailey.

Bailey Gismert: Okay.

Michael Che: Bailey, are you going to look at me?

Bailey Gismert: Okay. Hi, Michael. How are you? Are you fed now?

Michael Che: All right, Bailey. So I heard you got to preview a lot of summer movies. That’s pretty cool.

Bailey Gismert: Yeah. Like so I got to see the live action remake of ‘Aladdin’.

[Cut to Bailey. There is a picture of Aladdin movie’s poster at the right side. And to be honest, I thought it was random. Like, I’ve never seen any of that happen in real life. No. Like, okay, first of all, that’s not what a lamp looks like. It’s not. It’s not. And like also you’re like rubbing it? Ew, Aladdin, you’re so random.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: All right. Well, why don’t you tell me about a movie you actually liked?

Bailey Gismert: Okay, yeah. [Cut to Bailey. There is a picture of Detective Pikachu movie’s poster.] I guess ‘Detective Pikachu’ was like lit. Like, because like that movie makes sense to me like, right? Because Pikachu was so good at pokemon. But now he’s working up the ranks to detective. Like I don’t know. Like, Pikachu can get it.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Wait, Baily, do you like Pikachu?

Bailey Gismert: Yeah, like as a detective.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like you have a crush on him.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, stop. Don’t—[Cut to Bailey] Michael, don’t. Don’t. I’m serious. Okay? Yes, he’s smart. He’s hot. He has a good job. And yeah, like short guys are usually funny. But if you say I like Pikachu he’s going to find out because he’s like a really good detective.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Bailey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: No—I’m fine. [Bailey is breathing heavy] I’m just like—running on fumes. And I know like know that it’s kind of an easy week for you because like the Jonas Brothers wrote most of the show. [Cut to Bailey] But I actually do like everything for myself. Like spirit club. And comb my horse. And like on top of those two things, like at some point this week I have to like walk an old woman.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Walk an old woman? Why?

Bailey Gismert: For my service project. Michael, God. [Cut to Bailey. Bailey is very upset.] And like on top of all that the senior lock-in ended early because like a girl slept on the bleachers and fell through a crack. She didn’t die but she’s like not going to college.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Yeah. Well, Bailey, I think it’ll all work out. You’ve got a bright future.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, suck-up. If you’re thirsty for me as Michael Che is, like and subscribe below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t Youtube. This is live television.

Bailey Gismert: Oh, my god. Cool. Like a play?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Continuity Errors | Season 44 Episode 20

Frank Parisi… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Belle… Ego Nwodim

Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Matthew… Alex Moffat

Marriot… Cecily Strong 

Lady Grantham… Emma Thompson

Pizza guy… Chris Redd

[Start’s with a program’s intro]

[Cut to Frank in his set]


Frank Parisi: Hello. I’m Frank Parisi and welcome to Wait a Second, That Shouldn’t Be There. The show where we look at some of the biggest continuity errors in Hollywood history. You may have seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Where they accidentally included a shot of [Cut to a picture of Game of Thrones’ scene] Daenery’s sitting next to a modern Starbucks cup.

[Cut to Frank]

There has been even more glaring errors over the years that somehow went unnoticed. See if you can spot anything weird in this classic scene from the 2016 remake of “Roots”.

[Cut to a scene from Roots]

Kenan Thompson: You have to understand, Belle, this is just the way things are.

Belle: But it’s not how things have to be. We can change the present. And the future.

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a box of White Castle Crave case behind him] Kenan Thompson: Girl, that kind of thinking is going to get you killed, Belle. You’ve got to let go of them silly dreams.

[Cut to Belle. She is holding a ‘Big Gulo’ smoothie cup in her hand.]

Belle: If we don’t have dreams, then we have nothing. You were the one that taught me that. [Belle slurps the smoothie]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: Did you notice the Slurpee? Somehow the editor did not. And somehow, no one caught these little booboos in 1998. “Shakespeare in love” either.

[Cut to a scene from Shakespeare in love]

Thomas: Well, there’s something I need you to know. Something I’ve kept from you.

[Cut to Mikey. Mikey takes Sun chips out and eats eats.] Mikey Day: What is it, Thomas?

[Cut to Thomas]

Thomas: I’m actually not who I say I am. Would you like to see the real me? [Thomas turns around and opens his shirt]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: My stars. Thomas is a girl. Me thinks I have an idea for a new play. [Mikey opens his MacBook]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: You might ask how did they miss all those errors? Well, keep in mind, everyone was distracted because just off camera, Harvey Weinstein was masturbating into a plant. Check out this subtle screw-up from season two of ‘Downton Abbey’.

[Cut to a scene from Downton Abbey]

Matthew: Marriot, I want to stay by your side but the great war is upon us.

[Cut to Marriot. She is wearing a dinner napkin.]

Marriot: We’re all at war, Matthew. Not just the men fighting in the trenches.

[Cut to Matthew. He is wearing ‘2017’ goggles.]

Matthew: But I love you, Mary. Don’t you understand? [A woman clears her throat] Oh, lady Grantham, we didn’t hear you come in.

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is wearing a beats headphone.] Lady Grantham: Yes. I can be very quiet. Unlike most people in this house.

[Cut to Matthew]

Matthew: People forgive me, my lady. Is there anything we can help you with?

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is also wearing a soda hat now.]

Lady Grantham: Well, in order to help you’d have to have a modicum of skill, wouldn’t one?

[Pizza delivery guy walks in]

Pizza guy: I’ve got a large mushroom pie for a name Maggie Smith.

Lady Grantham: Just call me Mags. I have a coupon.

Pizza guy: Oh, I’m sorry. That promotion is over. [Pizza guy leaves with the pie]

Lady Grantham: Son of a bitch.

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: I think that pizza guy’s a star. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll look at famous scene from Jurassic Park. There’s something you might have missed. Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap] [Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.

Cut for Time: Twinings Extreme | Season 44 Episode 20

[Starts with a clip of a UK flag] [Cut to a clip of football stadium] [Cut to Alex Moffat playing as a keeper]

Alex: In England, we don’t know when to quit. [Alex couldn’t save the ball] [cut to Emma Thompson]

Emma: We don’t say enough is enough. [Emma misses the tennis shot] [Cut to Mikey Day with a cricket bat] Mikey: In England, it’s all or nothing. [Mikey misses the cricket ball hit]

Announcer: And English athlete needs and English sports drink.

[Cut to Alex drinking sports drink in a tea cup]

Introducing Twinning’s Extreme, tea for sport.

[Cut to Mikey pouring his tea in the changing room]

A brewed hot tea designed for peak performance. Available in 3 lively blends. Engineered to keep Britain’s best at the top of their game. Refuel with the English Breakfast XL.

[Cut to Emma] Emma:  And come out swinging. [Emma hits the tennis ball hard] [Cut to Alex preparing his tea]

Announcer: Replenish with Darjeeling Octane.

[Alex saves the ball from opponent’s goal] [Cut to Mikey with his cricket bat]

Announcer: Recover with with Earl Grey RX.

Mikey: So I can be my best for entire 3 to 5 days of a cricket match.

Emma: It’s ready to serve faster and so am I.

Narrator: And with our portable sport kettle, you’ll never be far from a fresh pot. Simply unscrew the base and light the sterno lamp with the attached flint. When the water in there is boiled, unscrew the cap, drop in the bag of Twinning’s Extreme and wait for it to steep, add the pouch of milk and allow ample time to incorporate. Don’t rush. Some things take time. When the tea and milk are fully blended, pop open the sport cap and  crack on like a champion. Twinning’s Extreme, tea for sport. Cool down with a hot tea.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson being burnt by hot water]

Available wherever sport teas are sold.

Emma Thompson Monologue | Season 44 Episode 20

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Emma Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Thompson!

[Emma Thompson walks in the door and to the stage]

Emma Thompson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you all so much. I am Emma Thompson. And I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s incredible to be standing here working alongside my beloved husband of 16 years, Kenan Thompson. Thanks, Doll. This is of course the mother’s day show and in fact my daughter is in the audience tonight. To her I’d just like to say sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. A blanket sorry. As she knows, sometimes it can be hard to decipher what our mothers are in fact saying. They do speak in code. So, as a mother myself I’d like to offer a little language lesson, to help you understand what we mean. With some help from other mothers. Do you want to join me, girls?

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler join Emma Thompson] [Cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hello. We are mothers.

Amy Poehler: Yes. ‘Wine Country’, hello.

Emma Thompson: Hello, then. Welcome to mother speak 101. When you ask your mother what she wants to do for mother’s day and she says–

Tina Fey: “Just to relax in the backyard. Maybe a massage.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s actually asking is—

Amy Poehler: “How does one buy weed?”

Emma Thompson: When your mother sees what you’re wearing and says–

Amy Poehler: “Oh, I like that shirt.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s trying to say is–

Tina Fey: “Oh, I think I bought you that shirt.”

Amy Poehler: When your mom tells you,

Emma Thompson: “You look tired.”

Tina Fey: what she means is–

Emma Thompson: “You look bad.” Now, a mum sometimes needs help expressing herself. When she says, —

Tina Fey: “Can we just not talk about politics?”

Emma Thompson: Shat she actually means is–

Amy Poehler:  “Please doing ruin Joe Biden for me. He’s what I picture.”

Emma Thompson: Mums contain multitudes, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “Son, you know I love you just the way you are.”

Emma Thompson: She is actually saying–

Tina Fey: “I am bored of waiting for you to tell me you’re gay. Just do it so I can buy rainbow stuff.”

Emma Thompson: When she says–

Tina Fey: “I love all my kids the same.”

Emma Thompson: She means–

Amy Poehler: “You sister is winning.”

Tina Fey: This may come as a shock, but your mother has a life outside of you, so when she says–

Emma Thompson: “I’m going to book club tonight.”

Amy Poehler: What she means is,

Emma Thompson: “I’m about to get turned at Linda’s.” She sure is. Sometimes what you mother means varies based on where she’s from. For example, if your mum asks what are you doing for mother’s day and she’s from Philadelphia, she means–

Tina Fey: “You better come down to the shore for mother’s day brunch. Pop-pop’s making Mimosas.”

Emma Thompson: But mothers from Boston could mean–

Amy Poehler: “If your car is not parked in my yard on mother’s day, I’m going to have a freaking heart attack and you can go eat at Wahlburgers.”

Emma Thompson: British mothers are a particular breed of cryptic.

Amy Poehler: When your British mum says–

Emma Thompson: “Splendid!”

Tina Fey: What she means is–

Emma Thompson: “I’m sad. I’m happy. How are you? You embarrass me. I’m crazy. You’re drunk.” Splendid is sort of our Aloha. And finally, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “You are driving me crazy.”

Tina Fey: “Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

Emma Thompson: “I could strangle you.” She means,

Amy Poehler: I love you. Archie and Abel.

Tina Fey: Allison and Penelope, you make me so happy.

Emma Thompson: Gaia and Tindy, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas brothers are here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Meet the Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 20

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Meet the Press intro] [Cut to Chuck Todd in his set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, I’m Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. [Cheers and applause] I hope you like my bangs. Something new I’m trying for the summer. With me today is the senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Overjoyed to be here.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator from Maine Susan Collins.

[Cut to Susan Collins]

Susan Collins: I’m here, and I have a lot to say. Unless someone else wants to speak.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And Senate Judiciary Chariman and the GOP’s latest badboy, Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsay Graham: I’m sorry, kids out there. But it is an f-ing honor, Chuck.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: Okay. This week President Trump has escalated his trade war with China. It’s estimated that this will coast the country $1.4 trillion in market value. Now, you all have opposed tariffs in the past. Do you all support the president’s Tariffs now some.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, Chuck, there’s a simple answer to that. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, but I’m asking you about China.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Yeah-huh. Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Let’s try Lindsey Graham. After opposing Tariffs for decades, why do you suddenly support them from president Trump?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  Chuck, listen. When you have a president who’s a financial genius and business Jesus like Donald Trump, you’ve just got to trust him. This man has lost 100 times more money than I’ve ever made.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: You’ve done a complete 180 on the president, even after calling him a jackass during the campaign?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Chuck, listen, I am a man of convictions and principles. Unless he can help me. And then it’s new Lindsey, who dis?

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, how does it make you feel to see the president just unilaterally doing what he wants?

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Chuck, I’ll be the first to admit that some of the things this administration is doing makes me want to shake my head vigorously and wag my finger once. Perhaps twice.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Which brings to us this week’s topic. What would it take for president Trump to lost your support? I’m going to give you guys some hypothetical scenarios and you tell me if any of them would be enough for the president to lose your support.

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Well, you just bring it on, Chuck, because if you think Susan Collins is a pushover, well, then you’ve got another–

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: All right, scenario one. Robert Mueller testifies before congress and says he believes Trump committed obstruction of justice. Do you still support him?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, we need a leader that’s willing to do what he’s got to do to win.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  That’s absolutely right. See, the best way to uphold the law is to be above it, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he says Trump colluded with the Russians?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Well, I’d have to write a strongly worded email and send it straight to my draft folder.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Next hypothetical. What if the president admits that he’s not as religious as he claims?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha. Well, if you don’t already know that, that’s kind of on you, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: He’s not even Christian. He’s Jewish.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Even better, that’s great for Isreal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: You know, I can think of another great man who was Jewish. Jesus Christ–

[Cut to everybody]

Susan Collins: [Interrupting] Sammy Davis Jr. What if you found out president Trump was a Muslim?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Muslim? Oh, just the thought of that makes me want to stress eat. [Takes a vegetable leaf out and takes a bite of it] [Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. You listen, you wait just a minute, Chuck. What kind of Muslim are we talking about? Are we talking about like Dr. OZ?

[Cut to Chuck and Lindsey]

Chuck Todd:  I mean like Louis Farrakhan.

Lindsay Graham: But, do we still get those tax cuts?

Chuck Todd: You do.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. Well, then I guess it’s Salam Aleikhem brother president.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, next scenario. What if Donald Trump divorced his wife Melania?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Love can be a tricky thing.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And he leaves her for Stormy Daniels.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, that would actually make more sense because that’s a hot girl.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: How about Kathy Griffin?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Kooky redhead? I get it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he leaves her for Alexandria Ocasio Cortez?

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, no.

Lindsay Graham: That fool!

Susan Collins: That’s – No.

Chuck Todd: And he also pledges to love, honor and enact her green new deal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Now, that just crosses the line. There are some things you can’t forget.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So he would lose your support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: He would not.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: I would show up to the wedding but not before I mumbled a strong rebuke quietly into my lean cuisine.

Chuck Todd: Okay, what if the president gave you’re your personal cell phone number to thousands of strangers who then harassed you and sent death threats causing you to get rid of your phone?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, Chuck, I do have to disqualify myself because back in 2015 the president actually did that to me.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Yeah, I know. I was just seeing if you remember. Okay. Let’s say Trump open hand slaps you in the face. What would you say then?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Hareder, daddy.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, you support Roe V. Wade.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Yes, I sure do. Yeah. \

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if the president declared that life begins not at conception but at erection?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Oh, please. I have been a vocal champion of women’s rights for over 30 years. That would be the most outrageous, ridiculous thing that I’d ever—I’m definitely voting for it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So, there’s absolutely nothing president Trump could do to lose you support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: No, no. I wouldn’t say that. Let’s say hypothetically, he got gay married.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Yeah. To the leader of ISIS.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: And they had matching diapers fashioned out of the original constitution.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: That may be—who are we kidding? We’ll always be ride or die bitches.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: I guess there’s nothing left to say but—Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Living with His Mom | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Amy Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his Weekend Update set]

Colin Jost: Well, Mother’s day is tomorrow. [Laughter] Here with some thoughts is our own Pete Davidson. [Cheers and applause] [Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost] Pete Davidson: Hey, man. So this is going to be a special Mother’s day for me because this year she’s not just my mom, but she’s also my roommate. [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow. That’s great. So, you’re living with your mom?

Pete Davidson: You don’t have to say it like I’m a loser like – [Cut to Pete] I know what people think. You know, they see you on TV and magazines and stuff and they think, “Wow, that guy must have his own place.” [Laughter] You know? Nope. But it’s not like I moved into her house. I just bought a house with my mom like a winner. [Laughter] [Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. I mean, I’ve heard of people buying houses for their mom.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I didn’t do that, if I buy a house, [Cut to Pete] I’m going to live in it. But I told her it’s not like a mother-son thing. Now we’re just homeys.

[Cut to Pete and Colin] Colin Jost: Homeys, okay, so she’s staying out of your business?

Pete Davidson: For the most part. But I won’t lie. It’s weird to get caught masturbating at my age. [Cut to Pete] Because when you’re like 15 and your mom catches you, it’s embarrassing. But on some level when she closes the door she’s proud. You know? She’s like, “Wow, my boy is growing up.” [Cut to Pete and Colin] [Pete looks at Colin] You know? [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know, man. I don’t know if that’s how moms feel.

[Cut to Pete] Pete Davidson: No, but when you’re 25 and your mom catches you masturbating, it’s like this should not have happened. Who just walks into the kitchen without knocking? Thankfully, that’s a lesson my mother and sister finally learned. [laughter] [Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Your sister lives there too?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and she’s 21 and still living at home. Isn’t that sad? [laughter] [Cut to Pete] It’s weird living with my mom and sister because sometimes I’ll see a strange dude in the house and I don’t know if he’s some dirt bag preying on my sister of the saint who’s going to take my mom off my hands. [laughter] But she really is the best and I put her through a lot so I’d like to bring her out. Please welcome the greatest roommate in the world, Amy Davidson, everybody.

[Amy Davidson joins Pete]

Amy Davidson: Hi everybody.

[Cut to Amy, Pete and Colin] Colin Jost: Hi, Mrs. Davidson.

Amy Davidson: Hi Colin. Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: Thank you. [laughter]

Pete Davidson: Hey man, be nice. It’s my mom.

Colin Jost: What do you guys have planned for tomorrow?

Pete Davidson: What do you mean? I put her on TV. This is it. [Cut to Amy and Pete] You never know. Jon Hamm could be single and watching.

Amy Davidson: I’d also settle for James Spader.

Pete Davidson: All right. You’d settle for a ninja turtle. I just need a new dad.

[Cut to Amy, Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: Pete and his mom, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night!