Weekend Update Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” With Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

According to a Fox News poll 51% of Americans support impeaching president Trump. You know it’s bad because Fox News barely talks about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News they were decorating cakes. Meanwhile, CNN I saw this headline. “Trump loses five court cases in one day distancing himself from Giuliani” and then I couldn’t read anymore. It’s never good and there’s so much bad news, CNN has to switch to a smaller font to fit it all. And it’s definitely about to get worse for Trump [Picture changes to Guiliani’s associates Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas] because of these two shreks. Two Soviet born associates of Rudy Giuliani, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas who were somehow not killed by John Wick, were arrested in Dulles airport in Washington for allegedly funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign, which as you might have guessed is very illegal. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]And before Trump says, “I don’t even know these guys”, here’s a quick slide show put together.

[Cut to slideshow of pictures of Donald trump, Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas] [Music playing]

The boys are back in town the boys are back in town

I said the boys are back in town God,

[Cut to Colin Jost]

They photograph well. Giuliani’s two associates are also very successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And then Lev, the shy one, I swear to you owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee. So, my guarantee is Trump is about to lose court case number six.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, bravo to the casting agency that found these two thumb breakers. They look like they use vodka as cologne. These guys have definitely worn track suits to their daughter’s wedding. I know these are easy jokes but I’m just surprised these guys were helping the president and not,  I don’t know, helping George Costanza get a frogger machine across the street.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And, how is Trump handling this impeachment? Well, I would say not great based on what he did at his emotional support rally on Thursday. This is an actual headline about the rally. “Trump appears to do impression of FBI agents having sex.” I thought ,”Well, that’s got to be an exaggeration, right?”  Then I saw the clip.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I love you, Peter. I love you, too, Lisa. Lisa, I—Lisa, Lisa, oh, god. I love you, Lisa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First of all, he’s killing. Like, the audience loves it. I’m actually jealous. The rally was like “Showtime at the Apollo” except, you know. Opposite. Also, the crowd is laughing along like they have any idea who these FBI agents are. I bet Trump’s impression of those two agents are about as accurate as my impression of Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats are calling president Trump’s behavior unconstitutional to which Trump responded, [Picture changes to Donald Trump] “You’re right. I had no idea. And I’m sorry.” I’m just kidding. You know that ain’t right. Do you think after the whole impeachment thing is over we can just take a year off from presidents? Just to clear our heads a little. You know, not rush into someone else horrible? Right now my standards are so low, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, “Maybe him! He seems tough.” I mean we can afford a break. Right? As a country. Why don’t we take some of that old free cotton money and coast for a year until we get our groove back?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump–

Michael Che: [Laughing] Can’t say cotton money on NBC.

Colin Jost: [Laughing] Trump then explained withdrawing troops from Northern Syria saying that we didn’t need to defend our Kurdish allies because “They didn’t help us in World War II.” But with World War II, it’s kind of hard to know who Trump means by ‘Us’. In other foreign news, after being asked about the wife of the US diplomat in Britain striking and killing a teenager while driving on the wrong side of the road, president Trump said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: And the woman was driving on the wrong side of the road and that can happen. Those are the opposite roads. It happens. I won’t say it ever happened to me, but it did.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, it did happen to you? I’m not sure what’s crazier, that the president straight up admitted to vehicular manslaughter on live TV? Or that he is pretending that he ever drove a car?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of CNN logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: CNN held an equality town hall with nine of the democratic presidential candidates answering questions about their views on LGBTQ issues. And I thought it was really cool. [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] Mayor Pete did exceptionally well. I’ve heard people ask him, “Is America ready to have their first gay president?” But there’s no way we haven’t already our first gay president. We’ve picked 45 guys in a row. The better question is, which one? My guess is Abraham Lincoln. What? He got shot at the theater. That’s a pretty gay way to go. I bet John Wilkes Booth was like, “I know where that bitch is. He’s probably watching “Kinky Boots” again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Joe Biden—Joe Biden for the first time called for president Trump to be impeached and removed for office after he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking was him.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: According to the CDC, cases of the sexually transmitted diseases as chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhea are all at all-time highs because of dating apps. With more on this obviously is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thank you very much. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Undeserved, all of this. Yeah, I don’t—I don’t really see the problem.

Colin Jost: What do you mean, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I don’t see the problem, Colin. These are all things you can cure with a shot. I don’t know how this is even news, really.

[Cut to Pete Davidson] I understand, you know, people can be worried about STDs. I get tested all the time because I look like I have all of them. Yeah, and I might have created my own, but every single time I pray I only get the ones you just mentioned because you can just take a pill and keep rolling the dice. You know? The flu can last like a month, but syphilis, it’s like four days. Bring it on.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] The flu is like our syphilises.

Colin Jost: Well, I guess that’s a really optimistic way of looking at it.

Pete Davidson: It’s the only way, Colin. No. So, I reckon a number of people have curable STDs.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

You know what I hear, way to go science. All right? There’s already a cure? We don’t even need to have a race for it? Like, I read online dating is actually like desegregating American online. Like helping. Way more people are dating outside their race and their social class and religion. You’re going to risk all that ethnic harmony to stop a few busted pipes from dripping? I don’t think that’s fair.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete!

Pete Davidson: What? Fine. Penis. You child. No, they don’t let us say any of the fun words. You think busted pipes dripping was my first choice?

Colin Jost: I’m worried you may be giving people bad advice.

Pete Davidson: Definitely. [Cut to Pete Davidson] But obviously, it’s a bad thing all of these diseases are back after so many years. Gonorrhea. Does everything in my generation have to be a reboot? Like, the clap and Rambo came back in the same year. And neither of them were wanted. That guy’s like, green. Anyway, crazy. Sorry to get a little off topic. So, no. Don’t get me wrong. I’m saying to people you should wear you know, wear a condom, but since you won’t, you know—call your doctor and get antibiotics. That’s all.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s all you wanted to say?

Pete Davidson: Yes. It really is. You know? So I did hear your little joke about me last week. Your gentle little ribbing calling me that guy who lost his car at a music festival for a week, which I looked up, it was not me. And by the way, Colin, I don’t know if you’ve seen “The Joker” but I think you should start being way nicer to me.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I’m serious.

Colin Jost: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.