Airline Pilots

Captain Hitnart… Mikey Day

First Officer Newton… Harry Styles

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane] [Cut to the cockpit]

Hitnart: Good afternoon folks. This is captain Hitnart in the flight Deck, joined by first officer Newton.

Newton: Howdy, folks.

Hitnart: We reached our cruising altitude, so I’m going to go head and turn off the fasten the seat-belt sign. Computer saying we’ll have you in San Francisco just a hair past 3. For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. Thanks for flying, Jet Blue. [Captain turns off the mic and they start talking to each other.] So, as I was saying, I need to get laid. I’m very backed up.

Newton: Me too. These pipes be clogged sir. I saw an old Scooby Do episode on the airport TV and Daphne was getting me hot.

Hitnart: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’ll bet Velma had a tight little body under that big sweater, right?

Newton: You bet she does.

[Cut to the passengers listening to their conversation]

Hitnart: You know Velma and Shaggy were banging. Imagine Scooby at the end of the bed watching. [Speaking like Scooby-Doo] “Raggy, what are rooing?” [Speaking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo] “Uh, nothing, Scoob. Me and Velma are just wrestling.”

Newton: God, I need to get laid.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: What the hell are they talking about?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: Yeah, hi, please stop talking. Your intercom button’s still on and the passengers heard all of that.

Hitnart: Oh, thank you. Dammit! Uh, hey, folks. On behalf of Jet Blue, I’d like to apologize for the adult chat you just heard. A button on our intercom broke. Just one of the many small electronic problems you run into on a very old plane like this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: A very old plane?

[Cut to the cockpit. Bowen Yang comes in.]

Bowen: All right, calling the plane old didn’t go over well with the passengers. You might want to settle their nerves.

Newton: Oh, man, thanks. You’re an A+ flight attendant.

Bowen: I’m not a flight attendant, I’m a sky liaison.

Hitnart: Okay.

Newton: Here, I’ll take this one.

Hitnart: Okay.

Hitnart: Howdy, gang. First officer Newton here. This plane is just fine. We spoke with an engineer at the Apple Bees Bar right before the flight, and he said this plane is good for a few more trips.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: They were at the bar? These perverts were drinking?

Aidy: Hey, not as much as me, ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Hey, folks, just realized that bar comment might have made you think we were drinking before the flight. No, sir-ree. I do not drink. It messes with all the medications I’m on.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Oh, my god. We’re going to die. And you, [Taling to the puppy] you are doing jack ass to make me feel better.

Aidy: Hey, lady, you’re freaking screaming.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: How are you not freaking out right now?

Kenan: Because I took xanax baby, I’m hakuna matata.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: Anyway, we want to tell you about Jet Blue’s featured in flight movie.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: Why do they keep saying Jet Blue? This is not Jet Blue flight. B

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: This month’s featured movie is Teen Comedy Book Smart. Fun for the whole family.

Newton: Maybe not the whole family. There’s some lesbian stuff in there, but I don’t think you see them going down on each other or anything. Whoa, whoa! I shouldn’t have said going down, cause it might make you think of the plane going down. Which it won’t, until we land safely in San Diego.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: But, this plane is supposed to go to San Francisco. Baby, give me a Xanax.

Kenan: I wish I could, but no.

[Cut to cockpit]

Hitnart: All right, that’s it from the flight deck. So, sit back, relax and sit back. Sit black? What dows that mean? Sit black. Sit there and start rapping in your seat or something like—[Cut to Kenan and Ego acting confused] Sorry if that was racially insensitive. I did not mean it that way. [Cut to cockpit] You know what, from now until Christmas, nonwhites fly free on Jet Blue. That’s not real. I just made that up. So, sit black—Whoa, said it again. Book smart! Enjoy the flight. Oh, okay. Looks like we’ve got some choppy air. [Cut to the passengers] Go ahead and turn on the fasten the seatbelt sign. Yep, there you go.

[The plane is facing turbulence] [Cut to the passengers]

Ego: Oh, my god!

Kenan: Hakuna matata, baby!

Baby Faye and Her Newsboys

Baby Faye… Cecily Strong

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Baby Faye and Her Newsboys intro]

Announcer: Presenting 10 year old sensation Baby Faye and her News Boys. Come and see the hit of the 1921 Vaudeville circuit. Get your tickets now for one nickel.

[Cut to another poster of the show]

Calling all the guys of 1931, yes, it’s 10 years later and these 20 years old are still playing 6. Tickets are going nowhere fast. Baby Faye and the News Guys.

[Cut to another poster of the show]

Extra, extra! It’s 1956 and Baby Faye has sold out—her dignity. Please welcome Baby Faye and the grown-up male news guys.

[Music starts playing] [Cut to the show. The guys dancers are dancing on the stage.]

Everybody: Mister, mister!

Harry: Get a log of this headline

Mikey: Page!

Everybody: Mister, mister!

Beck: Did you hear the news yet? Baby Faye is ‘bout to hit the stage.

Mikey: Presenting!

Beck: In person!

Harry: That 5’8”.

Mikey: 45-year-old!

Harry: Unwed, full childless woman in toddler’s clothes.

[Music starts and drum rolls]

Beck: That 150-pound bundle of joy, Baby Faye!

[Baby Faye enters the stage]

Baby Faye: Hello, everyone. My name’s Baby Faye. What’s your name?

[Music starts playing]

The guys: La-la-la-la.

Baby Faye: No, no, no, no. Don’t go into the song. I’m obviously stuck in the G.D. splits.

Harry: Those aren’t the splits. I can see daybreak between your crotch and the floor.

Baby Faye: Shut up! Introduce me some more while I get up.

Mikey: Okay. Drum roll, please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Reintroducing the woman we’re looking at.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Heavy smoker and worrisome drinker.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: She’s stuck in the jazz splits somehow. Probably due to her lifestyle.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: She may sound slow, but she isn’t.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: She binds her chest, thinking that’s the issue here.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: They weren’t that big to begin with?

Baby Faye: Hey! [Cut to Baby Faye] Stop that’s not my intro.

[Cut to the guys]

Mikey: What do you expect? You made us vamp. Just sing.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: All right, what is your name?

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everybody dancing]

Let me make you happy

Let me put on a show

I can do some high kicks

Ow, Damnit! Oh, I pulled something!

Faye’s mom: Faye!

[Faye’s mom enters the stage]

Baby Faye: Mama!

[Cut to Faye’s mom]

Faye’s mom: No, no, no, no. There’s five people out there and they paid for a good show. You’re giving them the kind of hot junk you can find in the toilet.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: Mama!

[Cut to Faye’s mom]

Faye’s mom: And you need to mind your breasts.

[Cut to Baby Faye and her mom]

Baby Faye: I binded them, mama!

Faye’s mom: It’s bound, you dummy!

Baby Faye: Mama! It’s my birthday.

Faye’s mom:I don’t care. [Cut to Faye’s mom] I don’t care. I need you to be a dependent a little bit longer. Mama needs that, now do your damn duet.

[Faye’s mom leaves] [Music starts playing] [Baby Faye and Harry are holding hands and dancing]

Baby Faye: How did this happen

I’m in love with a boy who’s five

Harry: Five, five, five, five!

and I’m in love with a girl who’s six,

Baby Faye: Six, six, six, six.

Both: What do we do with a love like this

[A half moon comes behind them]

I say we ride on a moonbeam

and dance our way back down

[Baby Faye sits on the half moon]

Lift me!

[Cut to Beck trying to lift the moon with a handle bar back stage]

Beck: Ugh, I can’t do it. I think my hernia popped out.

[Cut to Baby Faye]

Baby Faye: Dammit! Let’s just go to the big finish. Tap break, fellas. Hit it!

[Cut to Baby Faye, Mikey and Beck. They are tap dancing.] [Faye’s mom enters the stage]

Faye’s mom: Don’t bother. I just went out there and there’s only four men in the audience and they’re all jackabating with girlie mags. I guess it’s something about doing it in public. Oh, well. Everything’s coming up, wrong.

[Faye’s mom falls off the stage] [Cut to the show poster]

Announcer: Yes, they strip now. She just introduces them and then she leaves. That’s Show Biz!