A Journey Through Time | Season 44 Episode 21


Dr. Markowitz… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Handly … Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Dex … Paul Rudd

Miss Rafferty … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Markowitztalking in a meeting]

Dr. Markowitz: Thank you all for coming. I’m Dr. Markowitzwith NASA and this is Dr. Handly with the institute for temporal anomalies.

Dr. Handly: We’re obviously very interested in your story as you were the first three people to have experienced a verified time travel event.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Cecily Strong: This is bananas. I mean, we were just three buds watching TV and now, we’re quantum pioneers.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Now please tell us how this time portal appeared.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Well, I got a free one month trial to the Showtime channel. We was watching Ray Donovan, and I’m a fan, I’m a sucker for conflicted heroes, good person, bad deeds, that dichotomy is very rich to me.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Yes, wonderful sir. But if you could focus on the time travel.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Uh, right, yeah, well, me and her, we was on the couch when this glowing majestic gateway appeared and we drifted into it and we found ourselves in a gorgeous city made entirely of crystal or something.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, and we were welcomed by a group of people made up for just all the races of the world and they said, “We are the council of humanity, this is the future.” It was so beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: And you, miss Rafferty?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Miss Rafferty:  Yeah, a little different for me. I must have been on the wrong side of the portal or something, because I wasn’t so much welcomed to the future as I was violently sucked a million years into the past. I went to caveman times, man. Got yanked so hard, my sweats and my sneaks stayed in the present. So I land ass up face down in the mud with my cooter and tooter on full display. And I’m thinking, “Last time I was in this position, I got kicked out of Woodstock 99.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: And were there people there to welcome you as well?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: ‘People’ is such a strong word. You know on the evolution chart where you see how the monkeys became human? These guys hadn’t hit the halfway mark yet.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Let’s focus on what happened in the future.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: Well, the Council of Humanity showed us their city.

Dex: Yeah, it was beautiful. I would have wept but I was all cried out from watching ‘Nurse Jackie’ on showtime.

Cecily Strong: It’s probably enough of Showtime stuff Dex.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: You know, these two are walking around Wakanda, meanwhile, where I’m at, it’s the rise of the planet of the apes. [Cut to Miss Rafferty] Because all 50 of these hairy naked monkey people are swarming at me and they start rubbing me with their butts. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the business end of 50 balloon knots, but it ain’t exactly a Tuscan sunset.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Perhaps this was some sort of primitive religious ritual?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Buddy, god had no part in this. They were marking me with their scent. And these guys weren’t exactly zestfully clean. They zebra striped my T-shirt so much, I looked like a foot locker employee. But hey, it’s never easy making new friends, right?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Noted. And what happened next in the future?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: We was taken to this place called the Oculus and inside was all these gateways to other solar systems.

Dex: Yeah, yeah. And in each one was a planet they had colonized. I couldn’t believe I was chosen to witness this.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Well, I too was chosen. Chosen by the alpha female to be her new girlfriend. She comes at me like a silverback, right? Ragdolls me. And look, I really ain’t into ladies but if nothing else is open, I’ll eat at a taco bell. You smell what I’m saying?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz:  Yes, I think I do.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Right, all right. So anyway, this gal wants to bond, right?

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty] [Miss Rafferty stand up and goes behind Dex]

Do you mind, Dex? She climbs on my back, right, she starts picking at me, looking for stuff to eat. [Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.] And unfortunately she’s finding a buffet. So, I guess the snack got her in the mood because then she starts like grinding into my head. Trying to mate with my hair, I guess. She’s using my face for like a handhold. Then she goes back to eating, climbs around the front and sees my ear, which I guess she thinks is some kind of vending machine because she’s just—[Miss Rafferty starts licking and sucking Dex’s ear] She’s candling but there ain’t no wax. Okay. Then for the grand finale she reaches down, she pops a finger up her keester like it’s her second date or something. And I’m like, “Hey, curious Georgina, last person to try that never saw his wedding ring again.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Yes. Thank you for that.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.]

Miss Rafferty: No problem. And thank you, Dex.

Dex: Your jeans rug burned my neck.

Miss Rafferty: Oh yeah? Poor you, I got bushed, smushed by a cave woman. You’ll live.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Now, how were you all brought back to the present?

Cecily Strong: Umm, well, the portal opened up beside us and the council said, “When fear is replaced by trust, your world will begin to change.” Then we were home.

Dex: Yeah. It was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Right up there with getting that email that said you’ve been selected for a free month of the Showtime channel.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: See, that’s piss in my porridge because when I dove in the portal to get home, still pantsless, mind you, I landed downward dog in a grand Hyatt bar room with my Casino with my bean burrito right up in Barry Levine’s face.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Who is Barry Levine?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: A young man who’s never going to forget his Bar Mitzvah. That’s who.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: All right. We would like to take you all for a medical exam.

[Cut to everybody]

Miss Rafferty: Hey, it might be a problem. I got a zero health insurance]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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