Dr. Markowitz… Aidy Bryant
Dr. Handly … Mikey Day
Dex … Paul Rudd
Miss Rafferty … Kate McKinnon[Starts with Dr. Markowitztalking in a meeting]
Dr. Markowitz: Thank you all for coming. I’m Dr. Markowitzwith NASA and this is Dr. Handly with the institute for temporal anomalies.
Dr. Handly: We’re obviously very interested in your story as you were the first three people to have experienced a verified time travel event.[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]
Cecily Strong: This is bananas. I mean, we were just three buds watching TV and now, we’re quantum pioneers.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Handly: Now please tell us how this time portal appeared.
Dex: Well, I got a free one month trial to the Showtime channel. We was watching Ray Donovan, and I’m a fan, I’m a sucker for conflicted heroes, good person, bad deeds, that dichotomy is very rich to me.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Handly: Yes, wonderful sir. But if you could focus on the time travel.[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]
Dex: Uh, right, yeah, well, me and her, we was on the couch when this glowing majestic gateway appeared and we drifted into it and we found ourselves in a gorgeous city made entirely of crystal or something.
Cecily Strong: Yeah, and we were welcomed by a group of people made up for just all the races of the world and they said, “We are the council of humanity, this is the future.” It was so beautiful.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Handly: And you, miss Rafferty?[Cut to Miss Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]
Miss Rafferty: Yeah, a little different for me. I must have been on the wrong side of the portal or something, because I wasn’t so much welcomed to the future as I was violently sucked a million years into the past. I went to caveman times, man. Got yanked so hard, my sweats and my sneaks stayed in the present. So I land ass up face down in the mud with my cooter and tooter on full display. And I’m thinking, “Last time I was in this position, I got kicked out of Woodstock 99.”
Dr. Markowitz: And were there people there to welcome you as well?[Cut to Miss Rafferty]
Miss Rafferty: ‘People’ is such a strong word. You know on the evolution chart where you see how the monkeys became human? These guys hadn’t hit the halfway mark yet.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Markowitz: Let’s focus on what happened in the future.[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]
Cecily Strong: Well, the Council of Humanity showed us their city.
Dex: Yeah, it was beautiful. I would have wept but I was all cried out from watching ‘Nurse Jackie’ on showtime.
Cecily Strong: It’s probably enough of Showtime stuff Dex.
Miss Rafferty: You know, these two are walking around Wakanda, meanwhile, where I’m at, it’s the rise of the planet of the apes. [Cut to Miss Rafferty] Because all 50 of these hairy naked monkey people are swarming at me and they start rubbing me with their butts. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the business end of 50 balloon knots, but it ain’t exactly a Tuscan sunset.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Handly: Perhaps this was some sort of primitive religious ritual?[Cut to Miss Rafferty]
Miss Rafferty: Buddy, god had no part in this. They were marking me with their scent. And these guys weren’t exactly zestfully clean. They zebra striped my T-shirt so much, I looked like a foot locker employee. But hey, it’s never easy making new friends, right?[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Markowitz: Noted. And what happened next in the future?[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]
Cecily Strong: We was taken to this place called the Oculus and inside was all these gateways to other solar systems.
Dex: Yeah, yeah. And in each one was a planet they had colonized. I couldn’t believe I was chosen to witness this.[Cut to Miss Rafferty]
Miss Rafferty: Well, I too was chosen. Chosen by the alpha female to be her new girlfriend. She comes at me like a silverback, right? Ragdolls me. And look, I really ain’t into ladies but if nothing else is open, I’ll eat at a taco bell. You smell what I’m saying?[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Markowitz: Yes, I think I do.[Cut to Miss Rafferty]
Miss Rafferty: Right, all right. So anyway, this gal wants to bond, right?[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty] [Miss Rafferty stand up and goes behind Dex]
Do you mind, Dex? She climbs on my back, right, she starts picking at me, looking for stuff to eat. [Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.] And unfortunately she’s finding a buffet. So, I guess the snack got her in the mood because then she starts like grinding into my head. Trying to mate with my hair, I guess. She’s using my face for like a handhold. Then she goes back to eating, climbs around the front and sees my ear, which I guess she thinks is some kind of vending machine because she’s just—[Miss Rafferty starts licking and sucking Dex’s ear] She’s candling but there ain’t no wax. Okay. Then for the grand finale she reaches down, she pops a finger up her keester like it’s her second date or something. And I’m like, “Hey, curious Georgina, last person to try that never saw his wedding ring again.”
Dr. Markowitz: Yes. Thank you for that.[Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.]
Miss Rafferty: No problem. And thank you, Dex.
Dex: Your jeans rug burned my neck.
Miss Rafferty: Oh yeah? Poor you, I got bushed, smushed by a cave woman. You’ll live.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Markowitz: Now, how were you all brought back to the present?
Cecily Strong: Umm, well, the portal opened up beside us and the council said, “When fear is replaced by trust, your world will begin to change.” Then we were home.
Dex: Yeah. It was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Right up there with getting that email that said you’ve been selected for a free month of the Showtime channel.[Cut to Miss Rafferty]
Miss Rafferty: See, that’s piss in my porridge because when I dove in the portal to get home, still pantsless, mind you, I landed downward dog in a grand Hyatt bar room with my Casino with my bean burrito right up in Barry Levine’s face.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Handly: Who is Barry Levine?[Cut to Miss Rafferty]
Miss Rafferty: A young man who’s never going to forget his Bar Mitzvah. That’s who.[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]
Dr. Markowitz: All right. We would like to take you all for a medical exam.[Cut to everybody]
Miss Rafferty: Hey, it might be a problem. I got a zero health insurance]