Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson
Beauty… Cecily Strong
Beast… Beck Bennett
Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson
Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor
Chafe… Pete Davidson
Shake weight… Mikey Day[Starts with an intro]
Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.
Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time
true as it can be
barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]
Beauty: Just a little change
small to say the least
Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared
Everybody: Beauty and the beast
Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.[Cut to Mrs. Potts]
Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]
Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.
Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?
Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?
Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?
Beauty: Because you’re a beast.
Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight] Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle? [Cut to Everybody]
Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.
Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.[Cut to Mrs. Potts]
Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?[Cut to Beauty and the beast]
Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]
Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.
Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.
Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]
Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”[Cut to Beauty and the beast]
Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]
Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.[cut to Mrs. Potts]
Mrs. Potts: The workout song?
Beast: No idea what that is.[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]
Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.[Music stars playing]
Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell:
I’ll take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollipop.
Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.[Mrs. Potts joins]
Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.
Beauty: Your son chip?
Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.[Chafe joins]
Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.
Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?
Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?
Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!
Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]
Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?
Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]
Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?
Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?
Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.] Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out? [Cut to Mrs. Potts]
Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]
Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.
Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]
Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.[Beauty leaves]
Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.
Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.
Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.[Chafe leaves]
Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.[Cut to Swing weight]
Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]
a thing you can’t unsee
Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk
I brushed against his junk accidentally[Cut to Everybody]
Barbell: how would they even mate
strange to say the least
Beast: Don goes in the spout
baby cup comes out
teapot and the beast
this is fucking hilarious