Beauty and the Beast | Season 44 Episode 20


Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson

Beauty… Cecily Strong

Beast… Beck Bennett

Dumbbell…Kyle Mooney

Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson

Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor

Chafe… Pete Davidson

Shake weight… Mikey Day

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.

[Cut to a scene from Beauty and the Beast dancing and Mrs. Potts is singing.]

Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time

true as it can be

barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]

Beauty: Just a little change

small to say the least

Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared

[Cut to Beauty, Beast and Mrs. Potts]

Everybody: Beauty and the beast

Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]

Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.

Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?

Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?

Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?

Beauty: Because you’re a beast.

Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight] Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle?

[Cut to Everybody]

Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.

Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.

[cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: The workout song?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No idea what that is.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.

[Music stars playing]

Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell: 

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop.

Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.

[Mrs. Potts joins]

Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.

Beauty: Your son chip?

Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.

[Chafe joins]

Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.

Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?

Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?

Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!

Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?

Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?

Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?

Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.] Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out?

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?

[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.

Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.

[Beauty leaves]

Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.

Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.

Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.

[Chafe leaves]

Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.

[Cut to Swing weight]

Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime

[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]

a thing you can’t unsee

Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk

I brushed against his junk accidentally

[Cut to Everybody]

Barbell: how would they even mate

strange to say the least

Beast: Don goes in the spout

baby cup comes out

teapot and the beast

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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asher callahan
asher callahan
1 year ago

this is fucking hilarious

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