Heidi Gardner
Michael… Bowen Yang
Scarlett Johansson
Bartender… Beck Bennett
Fan… Kate McKinnon
Nick… Mikey Day
[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]
Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.
Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.
Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.
Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.
Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.
[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]
Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?
Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]
Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.
Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?
Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.
Bartender: Uh… the fans?
[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]
Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.
Michael: Babe, he was joking.
[Cut to everybody]
Bartender: I wasn’t.
[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]
Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.
Michael: Okay, you’re right.
Scarlett: Miss!
Hostess: How can I help you?
[Hostess walks in]
Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.
Hostess: Um, okay.
Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.
[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen]
[Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]
Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.
[The Chef walks in]
Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.
Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?
Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?
Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.
[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking]
[Chef takes a selfie]
Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.
Scarlett: It’s amazing.
Michael: That’s so sweet.
[Another fan walks in]
Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?
Michael: Yeah. No problem.
Nick: I’m Nick by the way.
Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.
Nick: Thank you. So awesome.
Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?
Michael: I don’t know.
[Another fan walks in]
Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.
Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.
Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.
[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]
Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?
Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?
Chris: Would you do the pose?
Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?
Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.
Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!
Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?
Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.
[Michael starts choking]
Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.
Fan: Do something.
Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.
[The Chef runs in]
Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.
[Michael spits out the gum]
Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.
Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?
Chef: I would like another selfie.
Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.
Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.
Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.
