Ferguson Toddle, Scream-like killer … John Mulaney
Chad… Pete Davidson
[Starts with a house at night. Chad is watching TV alone. The phone rings. Chad answers the phone.]Chad: Hello?
Scream-like killer: Hello Chad.
Chad: Who is this?
[Cut to Scream-like killer]Scream-like killer: Ah, ah, ah. I ask the question here.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: This Matt?
Scream-like killer: No. Tell me Chad–
Chad: This Kelly?
Scream-like killer: No, do you want to play a game?
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Oh, no thanks.
[Chad hangs up the phone] [The phone rings again]Chad: Hello?
[Cut to Scream-like killer]Scream-like killer: Sorry, Chad. You can’t say no to a game [Cut to Chad] that you’re already playing.
Chad: Okay.
Scream-like killer: And Ill know if you’re cheating, Chad, because I’m watching you right now.
Chad: Okay.
[Cut to Scream-like killer]Scream-like killer: And because I’m there, I’ll let you put some shorts on before we start.
[Cut to Chad. He is naked from the bottom.]Chad: I’m good.
[Cut to Scream-like killer]Scream-like killer: I’m not asking.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Oh, okay.
Scream-like killer: Tell me Chad, what’s your biggest fear?
Chad: Dick falls off.
[Cut to Scream-like killer]Scream-like killer: But I bet you [Cut to Chad] also fear death, and if you lose my game, your pretty little throat will get slit.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Ha-ha, slit.
Scream-like killer: Turn the patio light on.
Chad: Okay.
Scream-like killer: I have something I want you to see. [Pete is trying to turn the patio lights but he keeps on using the wrong switches] That’s no. Patio lights.
Chad: Okay.
Scream-like killer: No, that turned on the hall light. The other one. Patio lights. No. Oh my god. Never mind. Your girlfriend’s head is out there.
Chad: I don’t have a girlfriend.
Scream-like killer: Then who is Ashley.
Chad: We just [Bleep].
[The doorbell rings]Scream-like killer: Ah, the pizza’s here Chad. Better answer the door.
Chad: Lit.
[Chad leaves the phone at the couch]Scream-like killer: Strange that you didn’t order pizza. Hello?
[Chat opens the door] [Chad takes the pizza from the pizza guy. The pizza guy is stabbed on stomach and dying but Chad doesn’t notice and closes the door.]Chad: Thanks.
Scream-like killer: Shame about the pizza guy, [Cut to Chad eating pizza on the couch] but now you know the game is real, and the stakes are – Chad, can you get a plate. [Cut to Scream-like killer] You’re eating pizza over your mom’s white couch and rug, [Cut to Chad] and I know you’re going to spill it. There’s one under the pizza box.
Chad: Okay. [Chad raises the pizza box to get the plate. The whole pizza falls off the box] Got it.
[Cut to Scream-like killer standing in front of Chad]Scream-like killer: Hello Chad.
Chad: [Chad not realizing it’s the same person on the phone] Hold up. Hello.
Scream-like killer: No chad, I’m the person who was on the phone.
Chad: Oh, what up? [Chat hangs up the phone] [Cut to Scream-like killer]
Scream-like killer: You might remember me Chad. We grew up together. You called me every name in the book [Cut to Chad] except my own. [Cut to Scream-like killer opens the mask. He is very angry] Ferguson Toddle.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Oh, nice to meet you.
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: We’ve met. All through middle school you tormented me. You teased me. You made my life a living hell.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Oh, my bad.
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: You slept with my girlfriend.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Oh, I’m sorry.
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: My sister.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: A word?
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: My mother.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: She good?
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: hatred towards you grew in me like a cancer, a cancer that rotted away until I—are you watching TV? [Ferguson Toddle looks at the TV] [Cut to Chad]
Chad: Ridiculousness.
[Cut to the TV]TV: Yo, this kid falls right the hell off his –
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: Chad, do you understand what’s going on?
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Safety.
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: I’m going to kill you, Chad.
[Cut to Chad]Chad: Oh, no thanks.
[Cut to Ferguson Toddle]Ferguson Toddle: Oh, I’m afraid [Ferguson raises his knife] you don’t have a choice. Ha-ha-ha. [Ferguson Toddle tries to run towards Chad but slips on the fallen pizza and stabs himself] Game over, Chad. [Ferguson Toddle dies] [Cut to Chad]
Chad: Okay.
