Fred Chalmers… Kenan Thompson
Leezan Chalmers… Cecily Strong
Emma Stone[Starts with an intro video] [Cut to Fred and Leezan in their set. They have wine bottle in front of them, and wine glasses in their hands.]
Fred Chalmers: Hi, I’m Fred Chalmers.
Leezan Chalmers: And I’m Leezan Chalmers. You may recognize us from our reality show ‘The Nastiest Summer Renters In Sag Harbor’.
Fred Chalmers: It’s the show that won spectrum cable’s award for unhappiest group.
Leezan Chalmers: It’s been canceled already.
Fred Chalmers: Unlike our brand new wine, Chalmer’s reserve event wine. An affordable wine that, unlike our show, won’t receive any complaints.
Leezan Chalmers: Because Chalmer’s reserve is 72% golden grain alcohol.
Fred Chalmers: After the first sip, guests will be like, “This can’t be right. I must have misstated this.”
Leezan Chalmers: By the second sip, they won’t know a great wine from leftover hotdog water.
Fred Chalmers: They’ll be more concerned about, “How did I get in the pool?” Or, “Why am I being chased in this wig?”
Leezan Chalmers: And, hey, it may even usher in your first lesbian experience.
Fred Chalmers: That goes for the men as well.
Leezan Chalmers: Let out winemakers tell you how we’re able to make such a wonderful wine for under $1 a bottle.[Kyle and Emma join them]
Kyle Mooney: The process is what we call [Cut to Kyle and Emma] “Vino Kativo Sapore”.[Kyle and Emma are speaking in horrible Italian accent]
Emma Stone: This means the wine is made from the grapes that didn’t make the cut for the better wine.
Kyle Mooney: The ones that I got to pull off the conveyor belt because they were flat on one side or had a mole on the top.
Emma Stone: We also use the twigs and the trash that were sorted away from the premium grapes.
Kyle Mooney: And of course the distilled yellow corn.
Emma Stone: It’s the corn that covers up the taste of the grape.
Kyle Mooney: Because the grape, it’s no good.[Cut to Fred and Leezan]
Leezan Chalmers: Thank you.
Fred Chalmers: Go back to the motel now.[Cut to Kyle and Emma]
Emma Stone: I ask them, “Is this like a wine for dogs or something?” They laugh, and they say, “Ha-ha, kinda.”
Fred Chalmers: You’re overwhelming them with the details.
Leezan Chalmers: It was fun learning about the process from you to, so bye.[Cut to Kyle and Emma]
Emma Stone: Also, this is the only wine you got to put in a tooth guard before you drink it because it stains your teeth, and it don’t ever come out.
Kyle Mooney: Because we’ve got to use the dye. The grapes for this wine aren’t even red.
Emma Stone: Before color, the wine is brown.
Kyle Mooney: That is why we think it is for the dog because it smells like the chicken bone too.[Cut to Fred and Leezan]
Fred Chalmers: Hey, man, don’t be giving away our secrets.
Leezan Chalmers: I think we all understand how the wine is made now. Please go.[Cut to Kyle and Emma]
Emma Stone: We are not proud of this wine.
Kyle Mooney: We go to hell maybe for making this wine.
Emma Stone: We’re not even Italian.
Kyle Mooney: We sign a contract say we got to talk like this for a year.
Emma Stone: And our Italian accents are no good.[Cut to everybody]
Leezan Chalmers: Please leave. You’re done.
Emma Stone: You still owe us a half.
Leezan Chalmers: Keep checking your mailbox, dummy!
Fred Chalmers: Yes, you two can take your whole world Charmin and get on the loser train.
Emma Stone: You haven’t heard the last of us.[Kyle and Emma leave]
Leezan Chalmers: Whoa, baby, you told their Italian asses off.
Fred Chalmers: Damn right.[Fred takes a sip of wine]
Leezan Chalmers: Fred, good lord, no! [Fred spits it out behind Leezan. Something burns from the wine so there is fire behind Leezan.] I think my hair is on fire.[Emm and Kyle join them again]
Emma Stone: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Leezan Chalmers: Get out of here Italian bitch!
Kyle Mooney: What about me?
Fred Chalmers: You are beautiful woman, and so am I. [Fred starts to touch Kyle]
Leezan Chalmers: Oh, god! He’s already there. It just touched his tongue.[Cut to video bumper]
Narrator: Chalmers reserve event wine. Mmm-mmm.