Court Show

Judge Connie Schaumberg… Cecily Strong

Police… Chris Redd

Bandit… David Harbour

Mary Schmidt… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Dog Court’s intro]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Did another dog run off with your dog’s ball? Did another dog wiz on your dog’s head? Is a dog pushing it’s political beliefs onto your dog? Don’t take justice into your own hands. Take them to dog court with me. Judge Connie Schaumberg.

Police: All rise. Welcome the honorable Judge Connie of the 110th and Amsterdam dog court.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay everyone, sit. Ah, sit. We got a lot on the docket today. Ah. You brought Miss Jesse to work?

Police: Yeah. Sorry, judge. It’s take your daughter to work day.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Oh no, it’s not. It’s in April, but you know what? That’s still cute. All right, first case.

[Cut to a man and a woman walks in with their dogs]

Police: This case number 328, Mary Schmidt vs. Bandit.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: State your case.

Bandit: All right, look. It’s very simple, your honor. All right? In my opinion, this woman and her dog, they are insane.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: No, Schitles and I are as sound as bells. His dog is however is a sociopath who will do anything for a cheap laugh. Look at the eyes, its totally dead.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Just tell me what happened.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: Simply put, I offered his dog my hand to sniff as is customary and his dog started jumping up on my body, biting both paws against my neck and pulling down my v-neck t-shirt revealing both of my bosoms.

[Cut to the dogs barking as the jury]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Order, order!

[Cut to the judge]

Courtroom, not a kennel!

[Cut to Bandit]

Bandit: Your honor, your honor, maybe you want to ask her why she came to the dog park with no bra.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I got one good bra and it was in the wash, your honor. You know hot it is.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, I do know how that goes. Yeah. [Cut to the judge] What evidence do you have to support your case?

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I have 20 eyewitnesses and I wore the t-shirt here.

[Cut to the judge] Judge Connie Schaumberg: You put the lipstick back in the holster. All right, I’m ready to roll. I order you to switch dogs. See how the other half lives.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit]

Mary Schmidt: What? Switch dogs.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Do it!

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: There you go. All right. Good luck. Mine barks at poor people and only goes into a human toilet.

Bandit: And my dog has violent night tearers and screams like a human.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Whew. The dog court is a place for fun and tolerance. I should be so lucky to bring my dog—to the park, but I can’t because she’s crippled because I won’t let her walk. I don’t like – now – she rides around in a little football helmet. Okay? Think about that.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: Wow! You’re right, your honor.

Bandit: I’m sorry, your honor.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Sketch artist, did you get everything? Okay. Looks not like me, but, yeah, you’re a dog.

[Cut to the break video]

Announcer: Coming up on the next dog court –

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay, tell me what’s what. Make it snappy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Your honor, her dog is too big to be in the little dog park area.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Melissa Villaseñor: You don’t even have a dog. You’re a lookie-loo and everyone knows it.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Is that true sir? Get off it. Walking in the park seeing other people’s dogs?

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Is that a crime?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: No, it’s up to the jury. The verdict, please?

[Cut to the dogs as jury passing the verdict envelope] [Cut to the judge receiving and opening the envelope]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Ooh, Yep, I knew it. Sorry to say the jury has sentenced you to death.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: What?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, it seems extreme but this is dog court.

[Cut to Dog Court outro]