Judge Connie Schaumberg… Cecily Strong
Police… Chris Redd
Bandit… David Harbour
Mary Schmidt… Kate McKinnon
Melissa Villaseñor[Starts with Dog Court’s intro]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Did another dog run off with your dog’s ball? Did another dog wiz on your dog’s head? Is a dog pushing it’s political beliefs onto your dog? Don’t take justice into your own hands. Take them to dog court with me. Judge Connie Schaumberg.
Police: All rise. Welcome the honorable Judge Connie of the 110th and Amsterdam dog court.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay everyone, sit. Ah, sit. We got a lot on the docket today. Ah. You brought Miss Jesse to work?
Police: Yeah. Sorry, judge. It’s take your daughter to work day.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Oh no, it’s not. It’s in April, but you know what? That’s still cute. All right, first case.[Cut to a man and a woman walks in with their dogs]
Police: This case number 328, Mary Schmidt vs. Bandit.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: State your case.
Bandit: All right, look. It’s very simple, your honor. All right? In my opinion, this woman and her dog, they are insane.[Cut to Mary Schmidt]
Mary Schmidt: No, Schitles and I are as sound as bells. His dog is however is a sociopath who will do anything for a cheap laugh. Look at the eyes, its totally dead.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Just tell me what happened.[Cut to Mary Schmidt]
Mary Schmidt: Simply put, I offered his dog my hand to sniff as is customary and his dog started jumping up on my body, biting both paws against my neck and pulling down my v-neck t-shirt revealing both of my bosoms.[Cut to the dogs barking as the jury]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Order, order![Cut to the judge]
Courtroom, not a kennel![Cut to Bandit]
Bandit: Your honor, your honor, maybe you want to ask her why she came to the dog park with no bra.[Cut to Mary Schmidt]
Mary Schmidt: I got one good bra and it was in the wash, your honor. You know hot it is.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, I do know how that goes. Yeah. [Cut to the judge] What evidence do you have to support your case?[Cut to Mary Schmidt]
Mary Schmidt: I have 20 eyewitnesses and I wore the t-shirt here.[Cut to the judge] Judge Connie Schaumberg: You put the lipstick back in the holster. All right, I’m ready to roll. I order you to switch dogs. See how the other half lives. [Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit]
Mary Schmidt: What? Switch dogs.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Do it!
Mary Schmidt: There you go. All right. Good luck. Mine barks at poor people and only goes into a human toilet.
Bandit: And my dog has violent night tearers and screams like a human.[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Whew. The dog court is a place for fun and tolerance. I should be so lucky to bring my dog—to the park, but I can’t because she’s crippled because I won’t let her walk. I don’t like – now – she rides around in a little football helmet. Okay? Think about that.[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]
Mary Schmidt: Wow! You’re right, your honor.
Bandit: I’m sorry, your honor.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Sketch artist, did you get everything? Okay. Looks not like me, but, yeah, you’re a dog.[Cut to the break video]
Announcer: Coming up on the next dog court –[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay, tell me what’s what. Make it snappy.[Cut to Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: Okay. Your honor, her dog is too big to be in the little dog park area.[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Melissa Villaseñor: You don’t even have a dog. You’re a lookie-loo and everyone knows it.
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Is that true sir? Get off it. Walking in the park seeing other people’s dogs?[Cut to Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: Is that a crime?[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: No, it’s up to the jury. The verdict, please?[Cut to the dogs as jury passing the verdict envelope] [Cut to the judge receiving and opening the envelope]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Ooh, Yep, I knew it. Sorry to say the jury has sentenced you to death.[Cut to Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: What?[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, it seems extreme but this is dog court.[Cut to Dog Court outro]