Senator Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Senator Dianne Feinstein sitting between kids in a classroom]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh-oh. A California Senator Dianne Feinstein. Now, recently, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein walking to the hallway] some of you may have seen a disastrous video of me lecturing school children about the green new deal. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein with kids in art class] But I want to make things right because I believe children should be heard.
[Cut to the kids]
Kid 1: Senator Feinstein, we want you to support the green new deal.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Okay, and I appreciate that honey. Now, unfortunately, that deal is not very realistic.—
[Cut to Kid 1]
Kid 1: So we’re just going to do noghing?
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: No, no. So I have a–
[Cut to Kid 1]
Kid 1: Our planet is dying.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, I see what’s happening. Okay. You’re going to tell me how to do my job. Okay, well, [Cut to Kid 1] I don’t come into your first grade classroom and [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] knock the glue out of your mouth, do I? [Cut to Kid 1 is very sad] So why don’t you stay in your lane [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] and step the fuck off. Okay, I need to do it over. I need to do that off DO. [Retake] You kids like games?
Kids: Yes!
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Yes. Okay, this one is called green new deal. Okay? I’m going to close my eyes, I’m going to hold out my hand, then you kids are going to give me $93 trillion.
[Cut to the kids, silent]
Kid 2: We don’t have any money.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, you don’t? Oh, then we all lose. Ha-ha. Do-over. DO. I need a DO.
[Retake]
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: You need to take action. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] Climate change is going to severely affect [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] my generation.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, if you’re so concerned, maybe you should run for office.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: Fine. I will.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: You know what? Let me be the first to donate to your campaign. [Senator Dianne Feinstein puts her hand in her pocket and acts as if she’s taking some money out, and then shows her middle finger] DO!
[Cut to Kid 3]
Kid 3: Senator. I made you this.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh my goodness. Is that a poster? Well I’m convinced.
[Cut to Kid 3]
Kid 3: Really?
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: No.
[Cut to Kid 4]
Kid 4: You’re mean.
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] your dad wishes you were bullied more. Tell him that you piece of [Bleep]. DO. No, don’t do that one.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein facing kids and the teachers]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: You’re the one who puts words on these [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] kid’s mouths, huh?
Heidi Gardner: You mean teaching them?
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]
Senator Dianne Feinstein: How about this? You be the senator, okay? [Senator Dianne Feinstein starts opening her jacket to give it to Heidi] I’ll give you my stupid little senator jacket. Here you go. And I’ll see you [Bleep][Bleep] You should be the senator, bitch. Sorry, DO.
[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein standing in front of the kids]
I am Dianne Feinstein.
Kids: And we approve this message.
Kid 3: I don’t.
Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, why don’t you take your ass home? Oh, no. DO. Try whole thing. [Bleep]
