English Kevin… Will Ferrell[Starts with SNL stage]
Announcer: Last week’s episode featured host and musical guest Harry Styles. As usual, there were several sketches cut for time, including one scene that was particularly heartbreaking because only Harry Styles could have played the part. Or so we thought. Will Ferrell, always competitive, said, “If Harry Styles can do it, so can I. After all, I was doing sketch comedy when Harry was just a fetus in his mom’s butt.” Thus, the sketch was rescued and given a second life. This… is that sketch.[Cut to three girls talking in a school canteen]
Aidy: Hey, girlfriends. Did you hear about this new hottie boom-body who transferred to our school from England?
Cecily: Wow, a hot English teen? Sign me up.
Kate: Sign me up as well. If he’s half as hot and teenage as you say he is, I’m going to be sliding right off this small chair.
Aidy: Oh, trust me. He is. His body is smooth and young like a baby seal, but with abs.
Cecily: But, can he sing? I need a boy who can sing.
Kate: Yeah, and if he sings, he better dance too.
Aidy: Girlfriends, you are in luck. He sings like an angel and he dances like the devil himself.
Kate: Oh-oh! Clean up on aisle my pants.
Aidy: Shh! Girlfriends, here he comes.[music playing] [English Kevin walks in]
English Kevin: Hello, hey. It’s me, the new kid.
Cecily: Oh, my god. He’s the ultimate dream machine.
Kate: You weren’t kidding about his body.[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Who, me? Don’t look at me. I’m shy.[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: I can’t believe he’s still in school and not modeling full time.
Kate: Wait, someone say something before I get pregnant just looking at him.[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: Hey, what’s your name?
English Kevin: English Kevin. I’m from London. England that is.
Kate: I love exotic men.
Cecily: I know, his hot English accent is driving me crazy.
Aidy: Okay, quick, say, “Fancy a cup of tea my sweet.”[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Fancy a tea of sweet you cup?
Kate: Wow, sexy and smart.[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Um, this many.[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: I think he means 17.
Kate: Wow, which means he’s legal. Okay, jackpot![Cut to English Kevin licking ice-cream]
English Kevin: Don’t look at me. Let me eat my soft, soft ice-cream.
Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! That’s good.
Aidy: Yeah, very hot! And good.
Kate: Is Gwyneth Paltrow operating a website in my pants? Because they’re full of goop.[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Oops! Did I make a little mess?[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: Um, and I love all his sexy tattoos. Tell us about them English Kevin.
English Kevin: This one’s a dolphin which is a friendly shark. This one’s a horse with a sword on his head. These are extinct except in my dreams. And this is a Chinese character meaning tattoo.[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: Wow, are we at a sea food restaurant? Because I’ve got a steamed clam.
Kate: English Kevin, will you do a cool skateboard trick for us?[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Um, I don’t think I should because English Kevin just had knee surgery. And his kids– I mean friends are worried about him.[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: Ooh! Is that a text message from one of your thousands of girlfriends?[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Nope. That’s just a reminder for English Kevin to take his lip to talk.[Cut to the three girls]
Kate: Then, sing us a song and do us a dance.
Cecily: Yeah, we know you have something prepared.[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Yeah, sure. I’m just having a little trouble breathing because my hip clothes are so tight. But, here it goes. Two, three, four.[Cut to everybody] [dancing and singing horribly]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know, oh oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful
Ah! My fashion jeans! Oh! F-ing S-word! You all see my D-word, and my B-spot![Cut to the three girls pretending they’re closing their eyes]
Aidy: Oh, but don’ worry. We won’t look.[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Please, nobody look at my D-word. I brought it from England with me. And I call it Big-Ben.[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: Oh! Because it’s big like the clock tower?[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: No, because it’s pretty messed up like Ben Roethlisberger.[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: English Kevin, I think you’re gonna fit in just fine just around here.[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Cheeky! But seriously, this is Will talking. I need help getting up and my thing is out.