Cut for Time Open Mic


Dia… Bowen Yang

Jessica Coke-Brothers… Heidi Gardner

Chastity… Kate McKinnon

Prudence… Kristen Stewart

Rachel Thompson… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnny Butter… Kyle Mooney

Missil… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a bar “Moon Jumps the Cow”] [Cut to Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers on stage]

Dia: Hello, Silver Lake. it’s open mic Night here at Moon Jumps the Cow, the Los Angeles performance space and laptop garden. I’m Dia, and this is Jessica Coke-Brothers.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: My mom is the Coke, and my dad is a Wayans Brother. Get ready to see some performances from the stars of tomorrow and the Lyft drivers of today.

Dia: Mm-hmm. I’d like to exercise my brave and start with a song I wrote about something I really fear. Hit it, Jessica.

[Music playing]

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ It’s just around the bend ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be 30 ♪

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ Why does it have to end? ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be dead ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Powerful. Powerful.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: You’re saying that about yourself?

Dia: Yes. Next up is sister duo Chastity and Prudence.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Chastity: Alright. Yeah, we just moved here from Persecution, Pennsylvania.

Prudence: We grew up on a farm, where our “dad” convinced us it was the 1800s.

Chastity: But I guess, here, you call that a cult. Now Ryan Murphy owns our life story.

Prudence: This song is about our past.

[ Rock music playing ]

Both: ♪ Something bad happened, and now we’re famous ♪

♪ Something bad happened, so we moved to L.A. ♪

♪ Told us airplanes were angels ♪

♪ The fence is the boundary ♪

♪ Don’t touch the fence ♪

♪ Or you’ll turn gay ♪

♪ Tune in to “The Fence” every Sunday ♪

On FX, FFX, and FXNOW.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.][Chastity and Prudence walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Alright! Great! Yeah, so, that happened. Anything you would like to plug?

Prudence: Oh, yeah. Actually, we manage a bunch of sketchy Airbnb properties here if you’re ever looking to feel unsafe in the loneliest city in the world.

Dia: Wow. [Chastity and Prudence walk out] Okay, I will check that out. Looks like Rachel Thompson is next.

[Rachael Thompson walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Rachael Thompson: I go by Reyna-De-La-Casa now. More castable. I had a bad year. I mean, really bad. My grandma’s friend died. This is a song I wrote about that, called “My 9/11.”

♪ Oh, Betty ♪

♪ With candy in your purse ♪

♪ You’re dead ♪

♪ But I’m sad ♪

♪ Tell me which is worse ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪Betty, I made your death about me.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Epic, Reyna. Have you booked any gigs lately?

Rachael Thompson: Actually, I am making my TV debut next week.

Dia: Amazing.

Rachael Thompson: Me and my dumb mom are going to be on “Dr. Phil.”

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Wow! Do you have any lines?

Rachael Thompson: No, but I kick her really hard.

Dia: Okay, cool. [Rachael Thompson leaves the stage] His bio says he’s got John Mayer’s face and Carrot Top’s “gutters.” It’s Johnny Butter.

[Johnny Butter walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Johnny Butter: Oh, man, I can’t believe this song was just my dumb little idea two years ago. Oh, what the hell.

[Johnny Butters starts playing guitar]

♪ These days, everything is so messed up ♪

♪ So let’s get together ♪

♪ And do it like in porn ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Okay.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: I’m going to stop you ’cause you’re hot. So you don’t have to try.

Dia: Johnny, who are your influences?

Johnny Butter: Well, black-and-white photography, for sure, and staying in and watching Pixar stuff. I guess I’m weird like that.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Yeah. That’s fire. [Johnny Butter walks out]

Dia: Okay, we are so lucky to have this next guy. He’s a Vegas musician who would like to get better at parkour. Please welcome Missile to the stage.

[Missile comes on the stage. He is jumping.] [Dance music playing]

Missil: ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Who am I, who am I? ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Where am I, where am I? ♪

♪ Life is dope ♪

Dia: Okay. Alright, we’ve heard enough, and you’ve got it.

Missil: I know.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Tell us what you’re working on.

Missil: Well, I’m writing a book based on the “Harry Potter” movies.

Dia: Mm. So happy for you, Missile. You worked so hard. Okay. And — Oh, the sisters are back for an encore performance.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Because they threatened us.

Prudence: L.A. is so overwhelming.

Chastity: A lot has changed for us. We used to have hair down to our holes. But then we cut it, and now we’re models with a story.

Prudence: This song is about our new life in Los Angeles.

[Music starts playing

Both: ♪ Tacos, Bird scooters ♪

♪ Words at the fence ♪

♪ Old milk and leggings ♪

♪ I miss the fence ♪

♪ Thin moms and jacked dads ♪

♪ I’m overwhelmed, and the devil will trick me ♪

♪ Take me back to the fence ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Thank you. Okay. Jessica, your turn.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Oh, actually, I’m on vocal rest. I have a phone call tomorrow.

Dia: Okay.  Well, then, I’ll sing us out. This is a new song I wrote about being abandoned at the ArcLight Movie Theater.

[Jessica Coke-Brothers leaves the stage] [Music starts playing]

♪ Why can’t you get here? ♪

♪ You’re already supposed to be here ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You stood my fat ass for the last time ♪

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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