Percocet… Mikey Day
Black Puma… Kenan Thompson
Jaguar… Ego Nwodim
Krissy Knox… Emma Stone
Mad Dog Dugan… Beck Bennett
Brandy Knox… Emma Stone[Starts with Pete stressing over his essay in his room. He has few posters on his wall.]
Pete: This is impossible. I can’t write a six page essay about the revolutionary war. But if I don’t pass this class, I’m going to get kicked out of the school. Wish history weren’t so boring.[Percocet from one of his posters calls Pete out]
Percocet: Yo, wake up, homey.
Pete: What the— Wow, Percocet? How are you talking? You’re a poster.
Percocet: Yah, coz you dreaming brah. [Cut to Percocet] But you also tripping saying no one cares about history. Yo, you know my song, atomic ass. The part that’s like, “Baby, put the ass on me, drop it like a Nagasaki“, that’s a historical reference, brah.[Cut to Percocet and Pete]
Pete: Whoa, my favorite rapper, like, cares about history.[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar talking from the poster]
Black Puma: So do your favorite superheroes.[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Black Puma and Jaguar. You care about history too?[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]
Jaguar: Oh, yes. History is very important.
Black Puma: As I say in our blockbuster movie, to know the past is to see the future.[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Are you guys saying that like history actually matters?[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox. Krissy Knox is talking from the poster]
Krissy Knox: Hell yeah.
Pete: Oh, Krissy Knox. You’re one of maxim magazines 50 hottest girls from rural areas. You like history as well?[Cut to Krissy Knox]
Krissy Knox: Yeah.[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan talking from the poster]
Mad Dog Dugan: And so does WME superstar Mad Dog Dugan. My whole story line for wrestle fest 17 came straight from the Iliad.
Pete: Wow, so history, like, influences wrestling.[Cut to Percocet]
Percocet: Um-hmm. And music.[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]
Black Puma: And movies.[Cut to Krissy Knox]
Krissy Knox: And my long fat garden hose that I’m drinking from like a dumb, silly doggy.[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]
Black Puma: Hey, Krissy, please. Less about your hose and more about history. This boy must pass his class.
Pete: Yeah, for real. When I read about the American Revolution, I get so bored. How am I supposed to write an essay I care nothing about?[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]
Mad Dog Dugan: It’s all in how you look at it, brother. For instance, when my former tag team partner, Peter Party Hardy, betrayed me at super slam nine. That’s exactly what Benedict Arnold did to George Washington.[Cut to Krissy Knox]
Krissy Knox: Or when I bent down and picked up this wet, squeaky garden hose and drank from it with my dirty, thirsty mouth, that’s math.[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]
Percocet: Yo, it’s not math. It’s history.
Krissy Knox: Right. And history is just yesterday’s tomorrow.
Pete: Isn’t that just today?
Krissy Knox: Oh, hell yeah.[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]
Black Puma: Krissy, no more of this.
Jaguar: Brother, let me go over there, slap this foolish girl.
Black Puma: No, no, sister. That is not the way of the Puma. Krissy, do not lead his mind down the porno path. Do you have anything in mind that can help this boy pass his class?
Krissy Knox: Look at my dumb old belly button.[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]
Pete: Yeah, I like it.
Percocet: Knock that noise off, yo.[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]
Black Puma: Young man, just take that poster down. You will never learn with her around.[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox]
Pete: Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Krissy, but I need to focus on this paper.[Pete walks to Krissy Knox poster and tears it down. There’s another picture of a girl that looks just like her] [Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]
Mad Dog Dugan: What the hell? You have another poster of this Knox lady?[Cut to Pete standing in front of that poster]
Pete: Oh no, that’s Brandy Knox. Krissy’s Twin sister. I don’t like her as much. [Pete takes his seat] Anyway, we got to talk about this essay. Like what am I going to write about?[Cut to Percocet]
Percocet: All right, so check it, yo. You got to find the reasons why American Revolution happened. You feel me? Yo, you heard my song, Bitch Na featuring Dj Fat Ass, right? It’s like the colonists with Britain. The war was them saying, “Bitch, nah, that ass ain’t worth it”.[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Oh, I get it because Americans wanted to control their own destiny.[Cut to Brandy and Pete. Brandy is dancing with a burger on one hand and beer on the other]
Brandy Knox: Hell yeah.[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]
Mad Dog Dugan: Perfect. Anyway, that’s your thesis broheim.[Cut to Pete]
Pete: What’s a thesis?[Cut to Brandy]
Brandy Knox: Thesis. This is my fat greasy burger. And this is my hugs, stupid beer. Thesis.[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]
Jaguar: Shut up about your stupid burger and your beer. We are close.
Black Puma: Boy, listen to me. That thesis is your opening argument.[Cut to Brandy and Pete]
Pete: Okay. That’s like one sentence. What’s the rest?
Brandy Knox: What’s more?[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]
Mad Dog Dugan: Oh, my god. The rest of the essay is proving your thesis. That’s the body.[Cut to Brandy]
Brandy Knox: Yeah, my body is going to feel nasty after I scarf that fat, mushy, stinky burger and wash it down with this frosty dumb ass beer.[Cut to Percocet and Pete]
Percocet: Stop, y’all. This kid’s going to fail.
Pete: Not a chance. My days are getting ’F’s are in the past.[Cut to everybody]
Percocet: Oh, in the past. Yo, I think you mean those days are history.[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Well, thanks everyone, now I’m going to wake up and write an A+ history paper.[Cut to Brandy]
Brandy Knox: Oh yeah![Cut to an essay graded F with “See me” written on it]