Christine… Cecily Strong
Mr. Willis… Kit Harrington
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha… Leslie Jones
Marcus… Pete Davidson[Starts with Christine and Mr. Willis in Operation room of clinic]
Christine: So, you must be Mr. Willis. Are you here for your examination?
Mr. Willis: Yeah. Honestly I’m a little nervous. It’s not my favorite thing to do.
Christine: I don’t blame you. But as we say around the office, you can’t put a price tag on colorectal health.
Mr. Willis: Oh, that’s true. Where would you hang it?
Christine: Oh, that’s really true. And you’re comfortable with a female doctor, right?
Mr. Willis: Yea, I’ll be facing the other way so I guess it doesn’t matter.
Christine: You’re funny. That’s refreshing.
Mr. Willis: Yeah! Well, thanks for making me feel more comfortable. Hey, would you want to go out sometime?[Cut to Christine]
Christine: You mean after your anal exam? Sure. I mean, if we don’t find anything serious.[Cut to Christine and Mr. Willis]
Mr. Willis: Wow, I guess knock on wood, right? So how do you need me?
Christine: Oh, no, I’m not the doctor.
Mr. Willis: What? You’re not?[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha walks in]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Hello. I’m Dr. Yvonne De Marsha.
Mr. Willis: Oh! Dr. De Marsha?
Christine: Yes, Dr. De Marsha is one of the leading colorectal surgeons in all of Arizona, excluding Phoenix.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Uh-huh. There’s a few in Phoenix that blow me out of the water.
Mr. Willis: So, do you need me to bend over?
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Baby, I just need a clear view of the sugar bowl.[Cut to Yvonne De Marsha an Mr. Willis]
Mr. Willis: I couldn’t help but notice your nails. [Her nails are very long and have shiny stones attached to them]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, you like these?
Mr. Willis: Yes, but how does that work? You just pop them off before the exam?
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Excuse me, do these look like press-on nails? I grew these, you looking at six years of my life.
Mr. Willis: I’m not questioning you, I’m just not picturing how this is going to work.
Christine: Look, outside of Phoenix, Dr. De Marsha is the best.[Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha dropped a tool because she can’t grab it because of her nails.]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You’re going to have to sterilize that, Christine.[Cut to Christine]
Christine: It’s like we always say around the office, a great driver can drive a bus through Shanghai without knocking over a single Chinese lantern. [Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha is trying to open a can of Fanta.] Do you need help opening that pineapple Fanta, Dr. De Marsha?
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, I got it, girl. [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha hits the can with her nail and opens it] [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha takes a sip of Fanta and starts dancing] [Singing] Fanta, Fanta. All right. [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Mr. Willis] Okay, let’s get down to the gritty and your nitty.
Mr. Willis: Whoa, whoa. I’m just worried you’re going to lose one of those crystals.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Crystals? Are you insane? [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha] These are diamonds. Mama don’t do crystals. Almost got 20 carats on all my hands. What you think, I’m a foot doctor? Can you believe that, Christine? He said crystals.[Cut to everybody]
Christine: I guess he’s trippin’. You need your gloves?[Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: And ruin my nails? Oh, no thank you.
Mr. Willis: Yeah, I should go. [Mr. Willis tries to leave]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Look, look, you need this. Let me get your legs.[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine are trying to make Mr. Willis stay forcefully]
Mr. Willis: No, no!
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, this will be over in a minute.
Christine: I’m going to hold your hand.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Relax! Marcus get here![Marcus comes in and tries to hold Mr. Willis]
Marcus: Dude, give up!
Mr. Willis: I have to tell you something![Everybody leaves Mr. Willis]
Marcus: You’re strong.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You are so strong.
Mr. Willis: I am your boss.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: What?
Christine: What did you say?
Mr. Willis: I am the Chief Executive Officer of this clinic’s chain.
Christine: Eric Fordman?
Mr. Willis: You’re on Undercover Boss. [The camera comes to confront]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, my god!
Mr. Willis: I just wanted to commend you on all your exemplary work. Dr. De Marsha, you weren’t going to let me leave the office because you knew how vital colorectal health is.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Yes, I did.
Mr. Willis: Christine, you flirted with me just enough to make me want to stay. You’re a good nurse. And Marcus, and you twisted my body into the entry position, good job.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Good job!
Mr. Willis: My only note is for this kind of exam, you don’t need to push the patient’s legs over their head.
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: That is a good note. That is a good note.
Mr. Willis: Now, how about we do that exam?[Mr. Willis gets ready for the exam himself]
Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Woo!